Am I normal? Will i ever be Normal?

[Dhenn]

I am very new to the online community. I was raised in a family that sharing feelings, frustrations, and concerns were never taken seriously, and always taught to believe that they are not real. I am a gay man, and am looking for some help, support. I do see a psychiatrist, but often times I feel he is dismissive. I am presently looking for a new practitioner and that is causing anxiety.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression approx 11 years ago. I reluctantly sought the help, as I have always struggled with expressing my feelings, and always very cognizant to appear okay, when the majority of the time I am crying inside. I have tried CBT and have been taking paxil for 10 years, a small dose.

I recently became separated from my Husband, which logically I know is the right thing, but my heart is completley broken. Particularly the way he did it. He was premiscuous, lied, stole money from myself, became addicted to drugs, used sex as a weapon, constantly belittled me, made me feel worthless. After 14 years, he texted me the break up. Only communication that has occurred has been through text and email. He has taken my furniture, my rent money, continues to charge things on cards. I have since changed them. I have moved half way across the country, am completely isolated, I know absolutely no one, no outlets. I have reached to some friends and they are "busy" all the time. I cry daily, i cannot eat, I feel sick when I even think about food. I have lost weight, I feel used and stupid. My separated partner gave me STI's, I was always monogomist to him, I was the bred winner, and always made sure that he had anything he wanted. I feel stupid and pathetic that I allowed this to happen to me.

I wish that he would just want me like I want him. I know that I should not, but there was a time that I was happy with him and was okay with mistakes. I am a stubborn person, and assertive and often times he would use that and make me feel like shit. I am here alone, I talk to my sister and have conversations with her, but she recently told me that my emotions and crying is getting to her and she does not want to hear it anymore. I recently opened up to a brother about all of this and he says that I should be angry enough that I would not want to be with him.

2 years ago my mom died. She was my best friend. She was my everything. Yes I am a mommy's boy. She always had this ability to just look me in the eye and tell me that everything will be okay. A hug from her would bring me right out of what ever funk I was in. My father was an amzing provider and always made sure that I never went with out. I find myself even as I right this I bawl. I am a regstered nurse, and I palliated them both at home. My siblings would always give the decision making to myself, and I would have to make arrangements. I even had to be a nurse to my mom when she was dying. To this day I have so many regrets and anxities wondering if I did the right thing. I pray that she would come and visit me, at this moment I just wish she would just come and hug me. I have often thought about suicide since, but am afraid that I would not go to heaven where my mom and dad are.

I use to be a really big boy and for so many years I was bullied and taunted for being over weight. 15 years ago changed my eating habits, started exercising and over time I lost 108 lbs. When I look in the mirror I still see the same big person I once was. I am very uncomfortable in my skin.

I feel so stupid typing this, I feel weak, pathetic, that I am a loser. I do not know who to turn to as I do not want to put burdens on to people. I am very emotionally weak, and have so many emotions during the day. My biggest thing is that I am not sleeping, and am using alcohol to get myself to sleep. I know that is not a help, but lately when I have those drinks, the shitty thoughts go away and I can actually get a couple hours of sleep.

I am now going to be homeless as I want to move back, but the ex has gotten rid of the apartment that we shared, took my dogs, and all the furniture that he never even help buy. I do not know what todo.... one thing I do know.... I am sick of not feeling normal.

[LazyXrayEyes2255]

Concentrate on you, what you truly want to do and if you can get a job with reference you have. After that you can make decisions, where you are going to live. Love yourself, and respect your time. Don't use any of your time on others as you need to be priority for mental health and health. Focus on goal to look after yourself. Try being your own best friend and do what is takes to get back in the world of the living. Don't give up and keep going till you can be proud of yourself and the effort you make will be well worth it. Believe in yourself again, nurse job or carer job is good profession. You will make it, just give yourself a chance

[Weatherwoman in reply to LazyXrayEyes2255]

Excellent reply -- my heart goes out to "LaxyxrayEyes2255. Not that I have the same issues, but it's such a struggle that you are going through. I lost my Sig, Other two years ago, and & cry everyday --lost my Mom, & friends. Hugs & Healing sent your way

[LazyXrayEyes2255 in reply to Weatherwoman]

Sorry for your loss

Hugs and prayers xxxxx

[Weatherwoman in reply to LazyXrayEyes2255]

Thank you.

[CalicoKi]

💕 (((hugs))) and healing vines sent your way. You seem like you are a very empathetic person and you should believe in yourself, you are in a healing profession and help others.I am sorry you were taken advantage of and for the loss of your parents.

[optimismrus]

I'm glad you found this site, Dhenn. LazyX gave some sound advice. It's good you're looking for a new practitioner. Often, Psychiatrists just want to prescribe and follow your progress with the drug. At least that's my experience in California. You're also grieving the end of your relationship. I hope that you'll reach a point where you say, "thank you, God, for getting me out of it". You have a lot on your plate, but I hope that writing it all down and sharing it with us helps. We're good listeners. 🥰

[Starrlight]

sending ❤️love and light ✨

[SayNOtoPanic]

Lifting you in prayer Dhenn. You’re going through it but you are accomplished and strong. It is apparent in your words and emotions. Just focus on one thing at a time. Hope u find a good provider soon. May your guardian angel mother guide you. (Hugs)

[lilymg]

Of course you are normal Dhen! you are going through a grieving process and that is 100% 'NORMAL' this is quite normal in break-ups. You will come through it a stronger and wiser person💪...Just think of what your dear mum would be saying to you now "it will be alright" and it will! It will take a bit of time but you do have a happy and bright future to look forward to👌

[Mohammad-341]

Your story is very painful . As of now focus on Sti and ur mental health everything will be ok.

[JP8810]

Dhenn, my heart goes out to you. You sound like a very caring person who has been there for many people and treated poorly You have been through very trying times and you have avery right to feel hurt, sad and scared. Know that you are a good person and deserving of love. You are a child of God and have a purpose in this life. I have found in my own life that the best way to feel better about my lot in life was to reach out to those less fortunate than me. Volunteering was a real blessing to me and allowed me to get out of my own head. Stay strong! I lift you up in prayer.

[bipolarsunshine99]

Hey, I just want to say that I hear you, and I’m really sorry for everything you’re going through. You are not stupid or pathetic for feeling this way—anyone in your situation would be struggling. You’ve been through so much, and it makes complete sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed.

First of all, you are not alone, even if it feels that way right now. What your ex did to you was awful, unfair, and cruel. That’s not a reflection of you or something you “allowed”—it’s on him. You gave love, loyalty, and support, and he took advantage of that. That says everything about him, not you.

I know it’s hard to see it now, but you are so much stronger than you feel. You’ve survived bullying, loss, heartbreak, and still, you keep going. That takes an incredible amount of strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I also want to say: please don’t keep this all to yourself. I know it’s hard to reach out when you feel like a burden, but you deserve support. If your current psychiatrist isn’t helping, I really hope you find one who actually listens and takes you seriously. You don’t have to go through this alone.

And about your mom… I can only imagine how much you miss her. It’s clear how much she meant to you, and I know she would want you to take care of yourself, to keep pushing forward. You are not weak for grieving. You are not weak for hurting. And you are definitely not weak for needing help.

Please, please hold on. This moment, as painful as it is, won’t last forever. You will get through this. And even if we don’t know each other, I’m rooting for you.

[StainedGlass101]

Dhenn, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. A painful separation brings grief, and it doesn’t sound like you have a lot of support right now, and you’re in “survival mode”, because your unsure of what your financial and living situation is going to look like. That situation would be so much for anyone, let alone a lot for someone with anxiety and depression. It makes sense that you’d want to numb out with alcohol.

Please know that you are normal for struggling with all of this. I encourage you to find some sort of support network, maybe AA or an LGBT support group where you can get help from similar individuals. It’s also very important for you to accept that these are not normal circumstances you’re under, and that doesn’t make you abnormal or less than. There is no “normal” when you have anxiety and depression; we’re taught that people who don’t struggle with these things are “normal”, but so many people struggle with these things. It also means that you might need some extra support or work with managing the depression and anxiety. Instead of wishing you were normal, it’s important to accept that anxiety and depression, grief, low-self image, etc. are parts of you right now. It’s painful, but denial won’t make them go away, and acceptance will let you face them head on.

I know it’s not always accessible for folks, but I really think you should try to get a therapist. They can help you accept this and navigate this time, as well as find you more resources like support groups or even legal counsel for the separation. This time sounds incredibly hard, but with some acceptance and support I know you will find a path forward. Give yourself some grace right now and know that anyone would be having trouble coping with what you’re going through. Sending you so much love and try to stay hopeful.