Am I crazy???

[Naynay18]

It’s been quite the month for me. The beginning of February I was at my externship all day and came home and immediately feel asleep in my scrubs. Around 11 pm I woke up to my phone ringing. I knew it was urgent because my little sister was calling and she never ever calls me, I can barely get her to text me and when she does she’s very dry. So of course I answer it. Her best friend picked up, he said my sister had hung herself (she’s only 18). He said they had cut her down, she was unconscious but had a pulse and paramedics were on their way. They tried to call my mom but she didn’t answer. So I hung up and called my older sister who is living with my mom and stepdad, told her what happened and every body’s freaking out trying to leave to go to her apartment. I live 30 minutes away but I got there in 10 minutes. The whole time I thought I was going to get there and she would be dead. But when I arrived the ambulance was leaving and I still had no idea if she was okay. I got to the hospital she was awake but drunk. And I ended up not being able to see her. She went inpatient for a week and I’ve only seen her once since she’s been out. When I saw her she was acting perfectly normal, said she was feeling better. Her bathroom door was torn apart because her friends had to break it down to get to her. A little more about my sister is she has always had depression and some pretty bad anger issues and has been using various types of drugs since she was 16. She mostly drinks (like a lot) and smokes meth and fentanyl. I know she’s at the very least getting shitfaced every single day but I suspect she’s back on meth and fentanyl because she is insanely skinny and will not talk to anyone and every time we try to go see her she ignores us or makes an excuse as to why we can’t come. I know there’s only so much I can do and it’s difficult now that she’s an adult and lives on her own. But the crazy part is not even close to the worst thing that’s happened this month. I need to give you a little back story about me and my stepdad first. I moved back in with my mom and stepdad when I was 17, I was living with my insanely abusive dad who just loved to torture me. Told me when I mentioned moving in with my mom that “if you ever try to leave my house again I will make your life a living hell” and also told me how he was the only one who loved me and wanted me. I was only able to leave his house after my first attempt of many. I was insanely insanely depressed, and dropped out of high school. My step dad was very nice and supportive until he wasn’t. He was the reason I had 16+ hospitalizations in the span of 2 years. He would tell me I don’t try, I’m just lazy, and berate me all day. But mostly the worst thing he would do is threaten to drive me to a homeless shelter and for a while he was trying to send me to a group home. I had so many attempts because I couldn’t bare the thought of being severely depressed AND homeless. And I went to the hospital every month because it was the only place i felt safe and could just feel a moment of peace. Something you need to know is I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, depression, anxiety, ocd, and ptsd. I self harmed religiously and was always attempting and each time I got closer. But in August 2022 I almost died. I took 200 Benadryl after my stepdad forced me to get a job or else he was gonna drive me to the homeless shelter. I was so scared to tell them that I only worked 2 hours and made up an excuse to go home and never returned the next day like they thought I did. I ended up doing 3 days in the ICU, intubated, in a coma, and 5 days on the telemetry unit. I spent 2 months inpatient after that. When I got out I did 7 months of full time group therapy, changed my medication, did individual therapy, and also did 60 sessions of TMS. And I’m a COMPLETELY different person now. Nobody could ever tell that I used to be that borderline and depressed. It’s probably been over a year since the last time I considered suicide or self harm. Shortly after I got better I went to MA school, which my stepdad said I wouldn’t be able to handle or finish school (My last day of school was yesterday and I start my job as an MA Monday ), I worked at a daycare then as a private caregiver. And was able to hold down those jobs with no issue. But my stepdad still didn’t like me and resented me for getting better. He told me himself that he was really jealous of how well I was doing and that he envied me. He was still constantly trying to kick me out said it was because “I didn’t want to have a relationship with him” said I didn’t deserve to go to school and I didn’t earn it. And even said I was the reason he was so depressed because I caused so much tension in the house??? But I never once talked back to him and he mostly ignored me and when he did talk to me he was mad at me. Now he’s in my position. Quit his job 8 months ago and hasn’t worked since, incredibly depressed, a drunk, and doesn’t do anything or take care of himself. He gets blackout drunk by 11am. Immediately has a glass of scotch first thing in the morning. And as soon as my mom gets home he’s asking her what she’s making him for dinner. When my mom asks for help around the house after working all day he says he had a hard day because he was “sick” but really he just drank himself sick the night before. So here’s the really fun part. I went over to the house one day to see my family just not my stepdad. I was kinda forced to be around him and he was very very drunk the whole night. When I was alone in the room with my sister she started telling me how he was sexually harassing her, making comments about how big his penis is and talking to her about edging. I was pretty upset already, and then he asked me if me and my best friend were having gay sex. And I was incredibly annoyed at that point. But he was very drunk and just keptttt drinking. And I was extremely uncomfortable so I told my sister I was heading home and then my stepdad just kept saying you can’t leave you can’t leave. And is literally falling over and stumbling trying to chase me to the door because he thought I was drinking and was trying to drive. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t like it, it gives me anxiety so I don’t even know why he was thinking that. But he ended up following me to my car. Asking me over and over why are you leaving just stay here please just stay. The energy I got from him was the same energy that I got from my dad. Pedophile energy. I have no doubt in my mind that if I would’ve stayed the night he would’ve assaulted me. After that I went over February 17th, the night before my 21st birthday, I came over (reluctantly) to see my mom, sister and nephew. When I walked in my sister whispered brads already shitfaced. My mom told me later that night that Brad felt really uncomfortable with me being there and that he feels like everyone hates him. I didn’t stay long but as soon as I get home my sister FaceTimes me. Tells me Brad is unresponsive. They tried pouring water on his face, slapping him, rubbing his chest, shaking him, and zero reaction. They said he drank half a bottle of scotch and probably had beer on top of that. But they ended up finding BENADRYL every where in the bathroom. So he took a handful of that. And I ended up coming straight back to my moms to watch my nephew (he’s two and saw this entire thing go down so that’s great) because my sister works nights and my mom was gonna go to the hospital with Brad. So I ended up getting a few hours of sleep that night and woke up at 5am and drove 30 minutes to my house to get ready for my birthday. Basically my stepdad was playing the victim and was intentionally trying to ruin my birthday, and the fact that he overdosed on BENADRYL out of all the prescriptions and meds they had is really telling.

Now here’s where I’m caught up. My mom WILL NOT leave him. Anytime there’s a huge fight or incident which is very often, she threatens to divorce him but never does. He wins every argument. He is the rudest and most inconsiderate person I have ever met. He expects everyone to be perfect but he’s allowed to make as many mistakes as he wants. She justifies the arguing, the sexual harassment, the verbal abuse and the manipulating. The thing with my mom is that she’s only ever been in abusive and toxic relationships. And she’s been married 3 times. And she never stays single. At. All. She is extremely codependent and I see that in my sisters as well. She thinks she can fix these men. It’s like she gets into these relationships thinking she can change them. But you cannot convince a narcissist to be better. It just doesn’t work that way. And I have a lot of resentment towards my mom because her second husband was extremely emotionally and physically abusive to me and my sisters. BEFORE they got married. And she still married him AND he was already cheating on her AND she knew. I am not trying to victim blame, but she does have a duty as a mom to protect and do what’s best for her kids and she completely failed us and is continuing to do so into adulthood. I sent my mom a lengthy text and told her how I felt and that we shouldn’t speak for the time being because I’m not okay with her choosing a shitty relationship over her kids safety AGAIN. My sister told me she felt like he gave her Chris Watts vibes, like one day he’s going to snap and seriously hurt someone. And I 100% agree. Im worried for everyone’s safety at this point and I agreed to meet up with her and I want to help her come up with a plan to leave him. But I’m not feeling confident she will listen to me.

I’m sorry this post was extremely long. I just needed to get my thoughts out. But I’m doing really good mentally!!! Mostly because I don’t live at home anymore and I have a really peaceful home environment and I’m very good at coping now and I only focus and worry about the things I have control of.

If you read this far I would just like advice on what to say to my mom and how to approach her. She’s just very much in denial

[Cooper-Sophie]

Bless your heart sweetie! First off, congratulations and I'm very proud of how you've turned everything around! I'm pushing 50 and grew up in a similar situation and it took me many many years to get to the point you're at. I actually had sexual molestation from my father and resentment toward my mother for staying with with him to deal with. I would like to start off giving you some VERY important advice. You have to take care of you 1st and foremost above everyone else including your sisters. As women we are caregivers and protectors by nature (most of us) so it's a hard thing to do. Also it makes us feel good, important and have a purpose in life to help people and give back. Which isn't always a bad thing. But when you've gone through what you have and also have the medical diagnosis that I think we both share, its a slippery slope. You seem to be doing extremely well like you say but just like addicts we tend to have slips and relapses and are given zero warning when we'll have them. Life changes, situations change from day to day, things happen, meds don't work as well anymore, etc. Life is hard and stressful enough for "normal" people without our past issues and mental health problems. My situations and experiences are different from yours so you may be one of those very lucky people who stay on top of your mental health and not have any future issues but I'd still rather you be prepared and keep this in mind with the way you handle this situation. My advice is for you to take a quick step back and set up some boundaries and rules for yourself. It's by no means being selfish or unsympathetic. It's in yours and everyone else's best interests. I would meet up with her and see what she says. If she really wants help getting out then do whst you can and set her up with resources and people to do that. But if you get the vibe that its going to be the same old situation then set those boundaries. You are NOT going to be able to convince her at this point in her life. Some examples may be telling your mom and sister you will not see them or come over if Brad is around no matter the occasion. Protect yourself above all. 2nd, no matter what you say your mom isn't going to change her circumstances until she's ready and hit her own bottom herself. It sounds like if she was going to leave him and put herself and safety of her children 1st just on the advice of other people she already would have. You may have to tell her that you won't see her anymore either until she leaves him but that's a hard one to do. She is your mother and always will be. I believe she is doing the only thing she is capable of doing at this time. Which is denial so she can survive one moment at a time. I would 100% concentrate on getting your sister and nephew out of that house. The longer they both stay the more mental damage is occurring. You know that yourself. Do it know before it's too late. I don't know everyone else's living situations but maybe someone can take them in temporarily or you can come up with another situation. It definitely might not be wise for you to take them in yourself. It may be too stressful and a trigger for yourself but only you know that. And it's perfectly okay if you don't. If you don't take care of yourself, you aren't going to be able to take care of anyone else. If your sister is underage you are going to have to report the sexual harassment, which is definitely sexual abuse and just as damaging. Especially if you are a childcare provider yourself. In most states you are required by law to report it whether you like it or not. The verbal abuse is very damaging as well as being reportable itself in most situations. If your sister is over 18 you can still report the sexual harassment. To the police if nothing else. If the 2 year old is living in that house you must get him out! Yes, he's a boy and little still but he'll get older, not to mention just the damage of him being around and in that toxic environment. Those are learned behaviors and I'm sure already affecting him at that age. Kids are very intelligent and pick up on what's going on more than you know. Maybe just the threat or knowledge of the reporting will kick your mom into gear and get her serious about leaving. Only you know that answer really and you may want to stay anonymous about it.

Anyway, I know it's not the advice you were probably wanting and it's going to be extremely hard but so was what you did to change your life. You're very strong and capable! So forget trying to convince your mom and give her advice. Be there for her and do what you can without damaging your progress and success. Your only priority has to be setting and keeping boundaries and helping your little sister and the 2 year old get out of that toxic situation before it's too late if you know what I mean. All just my opinion and advice and of course I don't know the entire situation. I also have gone through some of the same situations you have as well as being a retired RN that worked in a psychiatric treatment center for years. Best of luck to you but above all put yourself and mental health 1st no matter what the situation. Don't feel or let anyone make you feel guilty about doing it. Its not sselfish and in the long run you will be capable of helping people out all the more!

[Naynay18 in reply to Cooper-Sophie]

Thank you so much for your reply. I know I have to put myself first, but I’m also trying really hard to make sure my sister and nephew are safe. I was thinking the same thing as far as setting boundaries. I’m gonna tell my mom I’m not telling you you have to choose me or Brad but if you stay with him I’m going to keep the same boundaries and keep my distance from you. I think she knows deep down Brad isn’t going to change and is just lossed at what to do. She doesn’t understand how dangerous he is and I just know he’s going to relapse and they will argue and something big will happen again. Especially because he was supposed to go to a 21 day inpatient substance abuse program and start going to AA and get a sponsor but he has yet to do any of those things. And he’s definitely not gonna just “snap out of it” or just get better if he doesn’t work through his issues and seek help himself nothings ever going to change. She thinks she needs to stay and help him because she’s his wife, but it’s not her duty to save him when he’s a grown man. He’s not going to change for her because if he wanted to he would. And it would’ve never gotten this bad in the first place. They been together 11 years and he’s ALWAYS been this way, he needs to be on his own to figure his shit out. These are things I plan on telling my mom. I feel like she’s not very receptive when I’m upset so the hard part will be trying to keep my cool. I wanted to try one last time to talk some sense into her. But like you said until she’s ready or hits her own rock bottom.

As far as the sexual harassment I don’t think I should report it. My sister is 24, so not a minor. But my feeling is it will trigger him when he finds out and I worry for my safety and my families safety.

My sister had just moved in with my mom because she had been in two domestic violence/ abusive relationships in the span of two or three months. And I hate that she’s just going from situation to situation. She does not deserve that at all. And I’ve been able to have conversations about her codependency and how it’s linked to our childhood. And she completely understands now and just wants to be single and raise my nephew in a good environment. She’s a very good mom so I always volunteer to help her with childcare because it’s one less thing she has to worry about.

[Midori]

Wow! Your Stepfather is a classical narcissist, and it's worrying that your mother and sister are in that house with an abuser. As a carer, you need to get yourself out of that dysfunctional situation, because it could come back to bite you if you don't report it. You could lose your licence to practice.

I also hope you have somewhere else to live as it is unhealthy.

Can you blow the whistle on him and at least try to get your sister out of there if she is not yet adult, She needs help especially as you said he was becoming sexually abusive to her. If your mother won't act You need to. NOW!

Cheers, Midori

[Naynay18 in reply to Midori]

Hi, thank you for your reply! I don’t live there anymore and my sister is 24. Out plan is for me and my sister to move out by next month.

[Midori]

I am pleased you have plans to escape.

Cheers, Midori