... the only person I've ever loved in this life, and I lost her forever.
She cheated on me, too, sure. But I don't care. She was the one soul who saw the real me and said, "I love and embrace you." Hell, I wouldn't blame her, necessarily, for needing to find some support elsewhere, because she certainly couldn't get it from me all the time.
But I cheated on her when I had her love and understanding. It was a gross betrayal, and I did it, anyway. She didn't deserve that. We met in high school, and it was all over with. We got engaged eventually, and we both moved to Nashville to pursue different, but similar, career paths.
During that period I was sexually abused by a powerful mogul in the country music industry, and she graduated university and went on to work on Music Row. She went there for the right reasons, and I went there to chase stardom. Her motivations were altruistic and attainable; my motives were selfish, short-sighted, and altogether ignorant.
After I cheated, she took me back. It didn't last much longer, but we both knew we had to try again. We were the other half of one another, after all. It turns out not to have been meant to be, but I'm convinced that's my fault.
I'm the one who has an entire book coming out about my own victimization at the hands of another in the Nashville scene, but the love of my life deserves her own volume on all the ways I dismissed, used, and took our bond for granted.
Does this mean it wasn't love? Absolutely not. Love is messy. Love is elusive. Love doesn't care about the trivial things.
I love her to this day, and I don't think that'll ever change. I love her with all my heart. She isn't the one that got away, but rather the one I didn't appreciate and watched walk away. Even if I wanted to love another, I wouldn't be able to. She is inside of me, and, eighteen years later, she is always with me.
... and I deserve everything that has happened to me since.
-B-
Written by
Beaujie
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
-B-, you got a ton on your plate. Your situation is so complicated, I think you should consider finding a special friend, a confidante whose judgement you trust, to meet with in person and sort this over time. That's the first point. The second point is that what you describe is "normal" for lots and lots of folks. There are tons of people in the world who have similar experiences to yours, however painful and complicated. Welcome to the human race! It can be hell. You need to decide if you are experiencing "normal hell" or "psychiatrically disturbed hell." If the former, maybe a special friend will help along with the nostrum "Time heals all wounds." If the latter, time for a consult with the doc. Hope this helps. Tell me what you think.
Thanks for the insights! Oh, I'm pretty far, like a decade, past the point of making that decision, and have been in psychiatric care for years. Sometimes just writing out (as best as possible) the emotions, and especially in a community as supportive as this, takes some of the edge off. I'm thinking you probably haven't read anything else I've posted at this point, but if you do you'll find that I have no "real-world" friends I can seek out. I talk with the members here quite a bit lately about that burning solitude, which is sometimes the most cutting of any symptoms, in my experience. Thanks for your input - I appreciate you very much.
Well, depending on how things go there is potential for me to be your "real world" friend. You are very articulate and I think we could have good conversation. I'm 71 and I've been "around the block," both with respect to psychiatry and mental illness and with respect to messy and complicated "normal life" relationship problems. That being said, a majority of my life relationships have been very healthy and very solid and that includes my present relationship of 12 years. Feel free, whenever the mood hits you, to PM here and I'll be happy to converse with you and be of whatever help I can be. It's an open question as to whether at some future date we could communicate outside of HU but it is something I'd be interested in we if have compatibility . . .
We all make mistakes, and have regrets and guilt over it....but at some point....we are just human and have to get unstuck from all that stuff....we cannot change the past, and we cannot change people, places, and events....so.... we have to stop the blame and shame....everyone F's up sometime. Acceptance....and getting some therapy as needed, sharing is good, and then we just do our best to move forward. Best wishes on your book, and your career. Hang in there.
Thanks for these reminders, Fauxartist. All things I know, but that put up a sizable resistance mentally! I feel like most reasons for going to therapy have this trait ... we think we get clear of some obstacle, but months or years later we find out we're right back in the "feels" about something from the past and need to revisit it to straighten ourselves back out again. At least, that's what happens to me.
It's kind of like oiling your car....eventually you have to do it again, kind of an on going maintenance thing. Abuse is trauma....and it sticks deep into the recesses of your mind, there's no real total cure for it...it's more about just learning coping mechanisms and having check-ups if you will, or check-ins with your therapist as needed after some initial ground setting stuff in the beginning of therapy.....trauma never completely goes away, kind of like a scar that nobody else see's, but you feel it.
Faux, I couldn't have ever said that better. Now I'm going to think about the oily car from now on, lol! Seriously though, you're right - without being vigilant about maintenance those scars can open back up. I actually just began with a new therapist. As you and others probably know, when insurance plans change or other financial barriers pop up, you sometimes get shifted around to a lot of therapists. And they're all well-meaning and want to help, but without working on building a rapport with any one of them, nothing ever seems like it improves. Not their fault, not our fault, but just the reality of the situation. I hope I can manage to keep this one for a good period of time. Have an awesome day.
It's hard to get a good fit with a therapist, but your paying them, and it's their job to make sure they are helping you, so it's really okay if your not feeling a connection with a current therapist at any time to ask them if they wouldn't mind giving you a referral to someone who may be more tuned into your issues....a good therapist would completely understand and agree with that. Best Wishes moving forward.
They do say it’s not what happens to us in life but how we react to it, which I think is so true, whatever we decide it’s up to us really, if a partner has an affair, we either can accept it and try to work things out together , or give up and walk away , it’s our choice , it’s making that choice is the difficult thing, good luck
That hit home hard!! I did not have the trauma you had, I am sorry for that. However, our romances are just about dead on. My wife and I were also HS sweethearts, we got married at 18. It has been a tops curvy road for nearly 32 years coming up here on the 8th, both of us have had affairs, for sure. We have grown and matured with each other. Anyways, I am here if you'd ever like to chat
First, you aren't wrong ... loving and dedicating everything at 18, which we ALSO thought we wanted to do at the time, is a wonderful, but gigantic personal commitment to one another. I mean, I'm glad, in hindsight, that things panned out the way they did for us, and before we tied the knot, but at the same time, I dream about her almost every night only to wake to the realization that I destroyed that ... I tore it all up. And it's one thing to say "we can't change the past, etc.," but at the same time with that being true, there needs to be an efficient way to change the present in a way that allows us to continue living our lives without the weight and dread caused by thoughts of "what could've been." Apologies; I get kinda emotional just thinking about it, and especially since I'm awake.
I'm so happy for yours and your wife's anniversary coming up in a few days! Huge congratulations. I don't think I, or many others who haven't gone though it, can really understand how much sacrifice, forgiveness, understanding, LOVE, and determination it has probably taken each of you to stick together, just like the vows usually say, and to remember that, at the end of the day, we're all human and the two of you are two parts of a whole.
I respect you so much for your 32 years together, whether up or down or anywhere in-between. I think that at the end of the day, I would have liked to share a story similar to yours rather than live each day regretting the decisions I thought were so tiny back then, but that I now see for what they were - the kind you can't come back from.
Wishing you and your wife the very best. Hit me up anytime.
I still regret everything, every second of the day. However, I am now living in the day forward, that's all I can do. My hour glass is emptying quick, no time to waste
That's my challenge - or one of them - living in the moment. Getting it into my head that we don't get any of the time back, so the more I "stay back there" in my mind, the less I'm living now.
May I ask your age? I'm getting toward 40 soon, and I was listening to a comedian the other night when they said that 40 is the age where you realize that everyone you're looking at is younger than you, lol. I know what you mean about the time seeming to run out. I mean, 38 years seem like they flew by in a few seconds. "Where did the time go" is such a true one.
Well, I guess we can try and make the best decisions now and moving forward that we can, and always hope for the best ... at least now we have the benefit of hindsight to help guide us.
I am 50, soon to be 51. Sometimes I do regret marriage. The problem is we don't change as much as I think more as we mature. I personally don't believe in monogamy, but too late now. I think trying to fit in society's "box" kills our individuality. That's what I'm trying to do now.
Ok, gotcha. I bet here's a whole host of things in about/of life you hadn't even come to consider yet when you got married at 18. But you did what felt right at your core then, and you're speaking from within here, even still today. I really admire that.
Oh, no doubt; you're right on. I don't feel like any of us really enjoy all that much "individuality," if you will, in todays age, because we're all either chasing the "Jones" and trying to fit into that box, or we say "F it" and become outcasts of society for that decision, as well.
Do you think your wife knows you feel this way about your relationship with her and about things at large? Or maybe I'm way behind the curve here and this is something you've talked about lots of times?
So by the way my name is David. About the last 5 years we have become way more open in communication. Which has been both positive and negative. I was able to share my desires to have other women and she agreed to an open marriage,but everytime I would start talking with someone jealousy would arise. She would saying was good but was stalking my communications. So anyways, I've just kind of put that on a back burner because at my age it's hard to attract the younger women I'm interested in( way younger). I have a legitimate explanation on why we desire younger women and it's not unnatural or perverted or just sexual. Anyways, not trying to make excuses but did you know that an effect of ADD is hypersexuality? My Dr. Shared that with me. Any how sorry if I'm talking too much. It'sjust good to have someone that you have stuff in common with to talk to. I have literally no friends
Wow - thank you for being so candid about the relationship. Did your wife ever pursue another partner at all? And if so, did you ask her about it or just were like, "whatever, I'm doing the same thing?" How did her jealously manifest? It sounds almost like she was spying on you. Is it also possible she only said she was okay with you seeing other people because she was too afraid to lose you? If that were the case, it ight explain why she would be trying to look at your phone, etc., to see what you were up to.
I'm sorry; I ask too many questions without waiting for you to reply.
It seems like it would make sense, what you're saying about our attraction to people younger than we are - if you ever feel like explaining, I'd love to learn about it. You have ADD? I know a few folks with it, and I can promise you I agree about the hyper sexuality because I've seen it in action, lol.
Dude, I appreciate you being on here so much. I think we are both benefitting from chatting, and I hope we can keep it going, no doubt. I'm in the same boat with you as far as the friends are concerned.
Take it easy on yourself today, and just let things be as they are. I find that helps me recenter myself.
I appreciate our conversations, It frees me to talk . For one thing I guess you'd say she sowed her wild oats in HS before marriage. I never did, had horrible self esteem and anxiety, never done any " normal" teenage things. Then because she was my first, that meant something to me although right after that she kept seeing other people in fact got mad at me over the summer and didn't even talk to me our entire senior year. She finally did talk to me at our graduation and hinted at a future for us, so I didn't pursue my military career and she drug me and two other guys along all that summer. Then she came to me one morning crying telling me that one of the dudes she was dating forced her into sex and she could be pregnant. Turned out she wasn't, but of course that led to a fight between me and him. The second dude got in trouble with the law. So after that she decided she was awake and only wanted me. I purposed and we got married the following January. She got mad the following Christmas and left me for three days. She did come back on her own. Then within a year or two I started cheating. It started with a few co workers, then her brother's 15 yo gf. Of course we'd fight and reconcile, this pattern was most of our marriage until about 10 years ago, commuciation improved and I felt like I could be a bit more open. Then she cheated on me, then I got involved with a Teacher that she knew and the Teacher and I even talked to the wife in person about our relationship. Wife said she was good with it but it did dissolve by the choice of the Teacher who was unhappily married but her Christianity led to too much guilt. So I'd suck it up, do the porn thing and online talking behind her back. Then she'd bring up the open marriage thing. We agreed to couple date but that was unsuccessful, she's less outgoing and honestly a bit judgmental so this never was successful or she said if she tried talking to another guy, he was only interested in sending dick pics or wanting to fuck. We wanted more of a fwb thing. So she told me she was done but I could continue, I did some online talking even met a girl from NC that came here for a few days. Wife was cool with it at first, I even spent the night with the girl at the hotel. The next night we all went to dinner, went back to hot tub, went back to room. NC girl went to check on her kId's and Mom, so Wife and I got things started, NC came back and said I'll give you guys the room and left, so that made my wife feel unattractive and rejected. So we left and went home and things went to shit there. N c also had a younger gf that the three of us were going to be together as well later on when they all moved here. So both NC and gf kept messaging me and wife was not for it, so I just gave it all up because honestly, I was just bagging NC to get to other gf. NC wasn't attractive or my type at all but fuck it was exciting. Sorry, I blab too much.
No man, you don't need to apologize. You're sharing details with me and I know that can't be easy on any level. Correct me if not, but to me it seems like you almost might be a "thrill of the chase" kind of person. Not with your wife, so much, because it seems the two of you certainly have a bond, for better or worse, which keeps you together through the ups and downs of other characters coming in and out of the relationship(s). etc. I'm not here to judge you for anything, so please no apologies. Did you feel alive when you were chasing the gf via NC? I bet it did. And it seems like, based on what you typed above, they might have been getting the same thrills you were.
How would you say your relationship with your long-term wife is today, as we chat? What does she think about you using this support group to gain perspective and help? Or does she even know about it? You said she is less outgoing than you are. Could you still function if you were out in the world today, either working or shopping/running errands, etc.? I'm asking because I'm curious whether or not you think you've had any improvement while and since going through these relationships and coming out the other side of them, leading you to now?
In a way I'm super jealous of you because I would give anything still to have my high school sweetheart here at my side, but alas my own decisions (coupled with hers, of course) led to her being off and happily married and me sitting here thinking about whether life is still worth living. Two polar opposite results. So, what is your overall thought process on your marriage of so many years and how it seems to have survived so many threats to its viability ... because I tend to think that mine and my ex-fianceé's lives could also have withstood the trials and tribulations similar to how yours has. Or, is it the case that you wish you weren't married any longer and/or wishes you had never made that choice in the first place?
You're not "blabbing," you're helping. And thank you for that.
She does know that I am involved in this group. I function pretty well in society by upholding my front in the public eye, but I'm dead on the inside. Yes my extra curricular are a thrill in my otherwise dull routine, unfulfilled life. I do love her very much, and am grateful we are still bonded, but my other side is never satisfied. I try and try. I swear I do but it seems I just can't ever love just one woman. I feel guilty and shame every second for it. I promise. I know I have what most men would die for yet here I an I know I'm no good but I try to be a good human and care and help others but the other beast is always there
I think there might be a lot of ways we're alike. Except I don't know if I ever feel love, per se, but more so, lust. I did love my ex-fianceé, to a fault. But it's like it wasn't even me in control when I betrayed her trust. So maybe it's that way with you - could it be that the beast causes you to operate without YOUR consent or control? Like a second set of urges surfaces at times, and they are so powerful you can't deny their existence? It wouldn't be the first time it's been observed in people. I think you ARE a good person - one who is trying to navigate some tricky-ass intricacies that life has in store for us, and for some more than others. Thank you so much for being open about all this with me. I don't think I've ever known of someone else going through some of the same hurt and confusions I am on this front.
Same here. In fact, not to be cheesy but I do have JekylandHyde tatted on my forearm for a reason. What's your thoughts on re incarnation? Sometimes I feel like people from the past may be involved from within
I hope this doesn't upset you, but I'm actually an atheist. So, as far as believing in literal reincarnation, it's a "no" for me, BUT I think there are a lot of ways through which we sort of learn from/evolve based on having the hindsight of our ancestors' lives and decisions such that we don't wind up falling into the same pitfalls they did. Not in all circumstances, but in a lot of them. In a way, I feel like those from the past are always and everywhere in our lives in that way. If that makes sense?
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Need opinions on a cause of my anxiety - my girlfriend
I'm scared...
So I’m posting too much probably. It’s my first day being on here. Guess I just have a lot of thoughts. 
my bf cheated on me today
