Update on marriage depression and anxiety

Here is an update to what is going on in my life right now. I am still taking my medication like I'm supposed to and I actually feel pretty good. My anxiety acts up every now and then but I'm able to control better than I ever have. I'm a little more depressed than normal right now because my wife cheated on me last week. Well I decided to forgive her and trry to make our marriage work. Last night we talked and I found out she lied to me a few times and was still talking to the guy she cheated on me with. So I ended our relationship.

I will be moving hopefully at the end of the month and be able to start over fresh. I know it's going to take awhile to possibly get back to my old self.

One question I have for the women here is why do women cheat on their husbands? Why do people cheat in general. I don't believe in it and the reason I ask is both of my marriages have ended with both of my wives cheating on me.

I'm just trying to understand better I guess cause it baffles me. I know I'm not perfect by any means and every relationship has their ups and downs.

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a year ago

Oh, our hero, can't believe what I am reading. Was wondering about you just today. One question: why are you moving out instead of your wife?

I have no idea why people cheat. Sometimes I think it's just because they can and don't think they'll be found out or that there would be consequences. Once not too long ago I actually had an aquaintance say, "Guys are just like that." I guess if it was woman, he might say she is a whore. (I don't think either one is really the answer.)

I don't know your wife, but have seen sometimes where a man or woman, just think they want a little of something else, because the idea of an affair seems somehow exciting. Rather selfish and shallow, or maybe they just have situational ethics.

You don't deserve this, but really think she should move and not you. There are a number of legal reasons for that, but basically, if it is uncomfortable enough for her, she'll leave. Or you will both occupy the same home until the courts decide otherwise and or the divorce is over.

You most likely not be able to afford two households. Not certain what Oklahoma law is in this matter, but if you leave, I think maybe the courts will assume you can afford two households and that's not the case. But some type of support may be granted to her. Know it will be tough on you and your anxiety, but I know the strength you have as a man, and respect you for it.

Do you own a home or rent? Do you have the money to pay for a divorce now, or will she have a legal option of you paying for her legal fees too?

You just can't imagine how badly I'm hurting for you now.

in reply to Royal777

Her explanation was rather vague and no help at all to you if you were going to try to save your marriages. Guess if you pinned them down to specifics, they would have just gotten angry or blamed you.

I am going to share something with you....sometimes we actually pick the wrong person to be with because we assume the way they act before we are married is the way they will be after marriage, not think they would have undisclosed motives, because we didn't.

My brother was married three times, and our family was always surprised and wary of the women he married.

He had underestimated himself and his value as a straight forward decent human being who worked hard everyday. (This is my older brother who used to beat the kill out of me when we were kids...lol)

The first and second wives turned out just to be lazy, and had expected him to earn more money than he did so they would not have too. He even took care of one's children. I don't know if they had affairs, but told him they had different life styles.

The third one was younger than he, they had the two little girls he was so excited to have....then the wife's true colors showed...the house wasn't good enough (The rest of my brothers and sisters and I had more upscale homes, but it because all of us had worked our asses off for years getting an education on our own and so had most of the spouses and had been married for a number of years. For some reason, she thought I must have some money of my brother's in a trust somewhere.)

So she manage to convince my brother into having our father grant him the remaining property left from our original country homestead. We would do anything for our father and brother, so the remaining five of us agreed to give up our inheritance to my brother. The property was valuable enough for him to build a very nice three bedroom home for his family. (I checked with my father and made certain the transfer of the property was made to my brother only...something just didn't smell right about her).

House was built, she never kept the inside clean, moved her sister in, and stopped working and wouldn't study for the exams she needed to keep the job. Then, without telling my brother why, she said she wanted a divorce, moved into one of the children's rooms for over a year before any of my brothers' or sisters knew.

We talked with him, and he told us the reason she what a divorce was he didn't do enough around the house or with the kids...hell,he was working 60 hours a week, maintaining the house and property around the house, she wasn't working.....Point blank one of my sisters and I said, that is not a reason for a divorce, it smells like another man.

We then pooled our money and paid the retainer for him to talk with a family law attorney. She listened to him, and said "Listen to your sisters." He trusted us enough to file for divorce shortly after that. There was another man who earned more money in a Ford factory at night, would be with her in the daytime while everyone else was gone. Her redneck relatives had told her she would get the house, custody of the children and have spousal and child support and she wouldn't have to marry "Bubba", but he could move in too.

So she would end up with custody of the female children she wanted, a house she loved, have spousal support and child support and have another man who earned more money, but who she could kick out anytime she wanted.

SO THERE'S ONE REASON FOR YOU A WOMAN WOULD CHEAT.

BUT THE ACTUAL REASON WHY SHE CHEATED WAS she knew that was always an option for her, and my brother had blind eyes when his family could see trouble before he married her. But how could we tell him that she was that type of person.

That is the reason women may cheat on their husbands, or vice versa, their spouse did not really know them well enough before the marriage and others were afraid to say anything.

OH, the end of my brother's story? He raised his daughters, one is married, the other is studying to be nurse, and he still lives in his house and has a happy life, and is busy as can be with his church, his girls, the extended family and the athletic base ball organizations, and traveled throughout Europe as a guest of one our brothers in law recently.

The surpize to his wife was, she didn't get the house or spouse support and had to go to work to help pay child support. She ended up with Bubba. (Because my brother had two sisters who were attorneys, one who worked for the court system and one who was an executive level human resource officer...and he was our brother who deserved all the help we could give him...he was intelligent, but reading challenged, trusting, loving, decent. very good working man, a viet nam vet who never complained about anything and loved his family. He was astonished I think when we basically circled our wagons like an Indian attack was going on, and each of us quietly did our own individual thing we could do with our education and training.)

Hopeful-Tinkerbell

8 months ago

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Anxiety is contagious. Maybe her anxiety was because she had something to hide. You will feed off that energy which is all around you! I always believe in try to works things out but the number one thing in a marriage is honesty. I just want to tell you not all woman cheat! I’m 100% miserable in my marriage which may end up dying. He lies to me and is an alcoholic. I would never think of cheating on him. Ever. I would end it. I have never believed in cheating! My sister is the type to cheat. Idk. Sometimes it’s their own insecurities that make them stray. I’ve talked to woman about it because it is foreign to me. They want to feel needed and beautiful or sexy etc. Some woman just plain like sex. Many things can cause it. Their is a chance my spouse is cheating. He doesn’t come home a lot and is always drunk. My anxiety keeps me from addressing it. I won’t cheat though. I’m just alone a lot! Even when he’s here. I call him my room mate. He gets mad. He didn’t come home last night. I kind of get upset about it but I’ve gotten used to it. So actually I felt better last night. I slept better. I ate what I wanted to eat. I know that sounds pathetic. It’s just another thing I didn’t have to stress about. I watched what I wanted on tv. I went to bed early because I enjoyed the peace and quiet early and didn’t have to wait for him to pass out to feel my calm space. It’s contagious. I have so much anxiety. I don’t need any more. I’m learning that it’s easier when I’m alone. Less to stress over. It’s cheaper too. I only have to buy one hamburger instead of two. Maybe you need the space to find yourself. I know it’s hard I bet. I’m scared so I just sit here but I’m trying to feel stronger. I feel like it’s when he’s not here. So maybe you will find your peace. Don’t think all woman do it though. Maybe the ones that are have a quality that you are drawn too. Love yourself and find your peace. I’m envious of your ability to acknowledge and act on something that hurts you. Stand up for yourself. You are a hero to those of us or at least me who suffers in silence and settles. I’m not sure why someone cheats. I know I crave companionship so bad. A walk with someone. Conversation. Someone to laugh at the tv with. Or call when I feel down. Innocently. Not sexually. That’s not an option. I’m glad you found the strength to stand up for yourself so be proud. You will eventually find that person that was made for you and when you do they won’t cheat! Best of luck!

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