Update on marriage depression and anxiety

Oh, our hero, can't believe what I am reading. Was wondering about you just today. One question: why are you moving out instead of your wife?

I have no idea why people cheat. Sometimes I think it's just because they can and don't think they'll be found out or that there would be consequences. Once not too long ago I actually had an aquaintance say, "Guys are just like that." I guess if it was woman, he might say she is a whore. (I don't think either one is really the answer.)

I don't know your wife, but have seen sometimes where a man or woman, just think they want a little of something else, because the idea of an affair seems somehow exciting. Rather selfish and shallow, or maybe they just have situational ethics.

You don't deserve this, but really think she should move and not you. There are a number of legal reasons for that, but basically, if it is uncomfortable enough for her, she'll leave. Or you will both occupy the same home until the courts decide otherwise and or the divorce is over.

You most likely not be able to afford two households. Not certain what Oklahoma law is in this matter, but if you leave, I think maybe the courts will assume you can afford two households and that's not the case. But some type of support may be granted to her. Know it will be tough on you and your anxiety, but I know the strength you have as a man, and respect you for it.

Do you own a home or rent? Do you have the money to pay for a divorce now, or will she have a legal option of you paying for her legal fees too?

You just can't imagine how badly I'm hurting for you now.

I'm not asking about men. Im asking why women cheat because both my ex wives have cheated on me and I don't get it. I'm not asking about names either sex is called. This isn't a man vs woman question.

I can only tell you the reasons I know about actual women and why they cheated. Don't really know if that's going to be of any use to you. Every situation is different. Did your wives ever tell you why they did? Isn't that the answer you really want to know?

I have asked and they don't give a reason besides they were unhappy or got bored in the relationship

Her explanation was rather vague and no help at all to you if you were going to try to save your marriages. Guess if you pinned them down to specifics, they would have just gotten angry or blamed you.

I am going to share something with you....sometimes we actually pick the wrong person to be with because we assume the way they act before we are married is the way they will be after marriage, not think they would have undisclosed motives, because we didn't.

My brother was married three times, and our family was always surprised and wary of the women he married.

He had underestimated himself and his value as a straight forward decent human being who worked hard everyday. (This is my older brother who used to beat the kill out of me when we were kids...lol)

The first and second wives turned out just to be lazy, and had expected him to earn more money than he did so they would not have too. He even took care of one's children. I don't know if they had affairs, but told him they had different life styles.

The third one was younger than he, they had the two little girls he was so excited to have....then the wife's true colors showed...the house wasn't good enough (The rest of my brothers and sisters and I had more upscale homes, but it because all of us had worked our asses off for years getting an education on our own and so had most of the spouses and had been married for a number of years. For some reason, she thought I must have some money of my brother's in a trust somewhere.)

So she manage to convince my brother into having our father grant him the remaining property left from our original country homestead. We would do anything for our father and brother, so the remaining five of us agreed to give up our inheritance to my brother. The property was valuable enough for him to build a very nice three bedroom home for his family. (I checked with my father and made certain the transfer of the property was made to my brother only...something just didn't smell right about her).

House was built, she never kept the inside clean, moved her sister in, and stopped working and wouldn't study for the exams she needed to keep the job. Then, without telling my brother why, she said she wanted a divorce, moved into one of the children's rooms for over a year before any of my brothers' or sisters knew.

We talked with him, and he told us the reason she what a divorce was he didn't do enough around the house or with the kids...hell,he was working 60 hours a week, maintaining the house and property around the house, she wasn't working.....Point blank one of my sisters and I said, that is not a reason for a divorce, it smells like another man.

We then pooled our money and paid the retainer for him to talk with a family law attorney. She listened to him, and said "Listen to your sisters." He trusted us enough to file for divorce shortly after that. There was another man who earned more money in a Ford factory at night, would be with her in the daytime while everyone else was gone. Her redneck relatives had told her she would get the house, custody of the children and have spousal and child support and she wouldn't have to marry "Bubba", but he could move in too.

So she would end up with custody of the female children she wanted, a house she loved, have spousal support and child support and have another man who earned more money, but who she could kick out anytime she wanted.

SO THERE'S ONE REASON FOR YOU A WOMAN WOULD CHEAT.

BUT THE ACTUAL REASON WHY SHE CHEATED WAS she knew that was always an option for her, and my brother had blind eyes when his family could see trouble before he married her. But how could we tell him that she was that type of person.

That is the reason women may cheat on their husbands, or vice versa, their spouse did not really know them well enough before the marriage and others were afraid to say anything.

OH, the end of my brother's story? He raised his daughters, one is married, the other is studying to be nurse, and he still lives in his house and has a happy life, and is busy as can be with his church, his girls, the extended family and the athletic base ball organizations, and traveled throughout Europe as a guest of one our brothers in law recently.

The surpize to his wife was, she didn't get the house or spouse support and had to go to work to help pay child support. She ended up with Bubba. (Because my brother had two sisters who were attorneys, one who worked for the court system and one who was an executive level human resource officer...and he was our brother who deserved all the help we could give him...he was intelligent, but reading challenged, trusting, loving, decent. very good working man, a viet nam vet who never complained about anything and loved his family. He was astonished I think when we basically circled our wagons like an Indian attack was going on, and each of us quietly did our own individual thing we could do with our education and training.)

I have no idea why women cheat. It really sounds like you are going through a tough time and I'm sorry. But to pose a question "for the women" is not really fair at all and it sounds accusatory. None of us will know why your wife cheated.

However I can imagine you are angry, and we are here to support you through this.

I have no idea either. When I was unhappy in a relationship I would leave and pursue my interest afterwards. I've heard excuses like boredom, emotionally unsatisfied, even knew a woman who would do it to "get back at him" for one reason or another. Without knowing either of you or the relationship, this probably doesn't help. Having been cheated on myself, I know how hard it can be and all the unanswered questions that arise. Try to remember that it's not you. She made the decision and no matter what her reason, the fault lies with her.

Thank you.