Breakup Post- Advice/Support needed

[mindfulmeow]

I'd like to get this off my chest.

My ex broke up with me December 2022 for the first time. And March 2023 for the second time.

Our relationship was not toxic and it could've easily been fixed. He would come back each time he broke up with me. I would take him back and believe him. It got to the point where I knew he would just do the same thing. He said he needed to heal and work on himself, so I believed him and left him alone. This continued up until August 2024.

He broke up with me. He kept me in limbo and never really explained himself. I would ask him to just say that he didn't love me anymore and that he wanted to see other people. He just said right now wasn't the time. He gave me mixed signals. One day he wanted space and the next he would say I was the only person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I'm not going to sit here and say that I didn't like to hear that. It was validating and it made me feel like he was going to work on himself.

After August 2024, I just asked him to be honest with me, but all he ever said was that he needed to heal. This continued for about 2 months. I know, I shouldn't have. I should've left it alone and never looked back, but I didn't. We had known each other for years, so I just wanted him to be honest. My attempts all failed. He seemingly started hanging out with a girl that he said was just a friend. Eventually he said he was interested in her and then he took it back and said that he only said that bc he thought I wanted him to say that. I stopped all communication and told him it was fine, I didn't care and he could do what he wanted. He messaged me a few days later saying she was just a friend and it really meant nothing.

By the end of September 2024 I stopped all communication. He sent me a text Oct 9, 2024 asking if I had ever received his text from 1 week ago and he wanted to know if I just never responded. In this message he went into a lot of detail: He said he missed me, cares for me, loves me, I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, he's not over me, that I'll never know how much he admires and loves me, etc.. He also said he messaged me bc he wanted to know if I had moved on, so he could process that. I was confused. I told him that if he hadn't changed his mind that he shouldn't be texting me. He had not changed his mind. This conversation lasted until Oct 22, 2024. It ended well and we agreed to work on ourselves individually. He said he agreed and that he thought we just needed space. That was until I asked him why he refollowed his ex on IG. The conversation did not end well, but he said he was not interested in her. Honestly, I asked out of insecurity and that it my fault. I just wanted reassurance and I told him that I just wanted to know who I was in his life. He said he needed to invest his time in himself and he didn't want a connection with me right now. He said if he would not hesitate to reach out if he wanted to connect with me in a romantic, meaningful way, but that isn't what he wants right now.

About a week later, I saw on social media he was matching shorts with the same girl he was hanging out with. I wanted very badly to just ask him why he felt the need to lie to me when he was clearly investing his time into someone else. I did not. I left it alone and I have not contacted him in 3 weeks. He has also not reached out. It makes me question what I meant to him and just how easily I was replaced after a few days of being broken up. It makes me question the validity of everything he said to me in October. It's just as easy to admit to someone you no longer see them as a partner.

I know it's a very long story and it helps to just talk about it. But I gave this man everything. I supported him in every way possible and I pushed him to go after his goals. Our relationship was getting better, but he started getting more and more distant. He stopped asking me out. I tried to speak about his mental health, but he just wrote it off. The last time I spoke to him, he started going to a therapist, but idk if that is still the case. He's drinking again and going to parties. I'm 26f and he is 29m. I honestly expected him to work on himself and come back, but I'm grieving bc from what I'm seeing it seems like he won't ever realize what he lost. He is paying more attention to this new girl than he did to me, which I find incredibly devastating, especially after showing him so much care, love, support, acceptance, etc.

I concluded that he is an avoidant. He had been cheated on by his two previous gfs before me. So he found it easier to leave before giving someone the power to leave him especially after our relationship was starting to get more deep and peaceful. But now thinking about it, maybe I'm just making lame excuses to make myself feel better.

Anyways, I have been crying non-stop. I rot in bed. I'm doing my best to make plans with friends, but unfortunately I never get a text back. I feel really sad and used and rejected. It hurts to an extent that I never expected especially from him. And I feel more pathetic bc I'm hopeful he will come back. Was I not enough for him to stay? Was it that easy for him to forget me and move on? Why did he say all of that to me if he didn't mean it?

[Shnookie]

I’m so sorry that you have been badly hurt by this man. However, it’s not healthy mentally and physically to drive yourself into the ground. R U on meds and seeing a therapist. Now is the time to think of yourself and self-care. You need a man who is secure in himself and doesn’t play head games with you. We’re all here 4 U. Hugs 🤗 S

[casablancalover14 in reply to Shnookie]

I hope things are slowly getting easier for you. Sometimes we meet someone who seems like the perfect person for us. For some reason, things don't work out, no matter what you do. All you can do is try to work on yourself, and hope he does the same. It will take time, but you will get over this, and you will come out stronger than ever.🫠🫠

[mindfulmeow in reply to casablancalover14]

Thank you! It is slowly getting easier. I hope he does work on himself. The only thing keeping me afloat is the fact that I gave him absolutely everything and I wanted the relationship to work, but he still didn't deem it worthy of communicating and trying to solve what was going on. I don't hate him, but I do wish he would've spoken to me about it instead of leaving.

[casablancalover14 in reply to mindfulmeow]

Its funny how things can be going great, and then one of you starts to lose interest. It would be so much easier if they would tell you what's bothering them, instead of letting you wonder, and be miserable. This has happened to me before, and I was heartbroken, but eventually I learned how to get on with my life. I wish you all the best, and I'm here to listen, anytime. 😍🐦

[mindfulmeow in reply to casablancalover14]

It's just confusing, because if he lost interest why not just say that. Unfortunately, he wouldn't no matter how much I asked him to just be honest. It's okay for him to admit that he did not want to be with me, but instead he would say the opposite.

[mindfulmeow in reply to Shnookie]

I am not on medication, but I should speak to my doctor about it. I just expected more from him. It's okay that he doesn't want to be with me, but I would have preferred he said that. I just feel very let down by someone I thought I knew and it only makes it more difficult b/c I still have hope.

[casablancalover14 in reply to mindfulmeow]

I know it can be hard to be honest with people, and tell them the truth. I hope that things will get easier for you with each passing day. Maybe one day he will be open and truthful with you. Stay positive, and enjoy your life!🤩🤩

[Shnookie in reply to casablancalover14]

You made an excellent point. Casablanca is one of my favorite movies of all time. Take care S

[casablancalover14 in reply to Shnookie]

I think many of us have gone through something like this. You just have to try and get through it, and maybe one day he will realize that he lost a great person. Casablanca is my favorite movie, with a few others. Have a beautiful night.🤩🤩

[Shnookie in reply to casablancalover14]

to you as well.

[mindfulmeow]

I actually do. It's several days. Unfortunately, I have missed a few days of work bc of this very situation.

[mindfulmeow]

Thank you! This really helps. I really did give him a lot of love and support. He's not a bad person, but I do wish he would've been able to give me the commitment I deserved. Unfortunately, there is no point in thinking like that. I do know I deserve better and I will be better for myself. I will grow and learn from this experience.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I actually can relate to this. Well not personally but I have a friend who is going through the exact same thing. Just vice versa. He was dating a woman who has BPD. Which means whenever she's in her depressive spiral she devalues everything including the relationship. Plus she has a history of sexual abuse in her past. And that unfortunately leads her to believe the only way she can find comfort is in the arms of other men. And they were in the long distance relationship. But they were making it work. They had their ups and downs. She would break it off with him and then come back to him. He encouraged her to get into therapy. Which she did. And it was really starting to help her. Because her biggest thing was that she could not manage her emotions effectively.

He still though wasn't over the fact that she had cheated on him a couple of times. Though in her opinion it wasn't cheating because she broke up with him and then started seeing another guy. To her. It wasn't cheating. However, he was willing to put his feelings on the back burner because right now she is working on herself and a lot of other issues she has to process. And she did it to him again. She wanted to end things because she felt the relationship could not expand anymore being that it was long distance and basically she needed a man now. And she blocked him from everything the very next day without a word. Which of course hurt him very deeply. Then after a month she came back. Didn't really properly apologize. But he took her back. She's still going to therapy. They're talking. They're both using therapy in order to speak to each other and how to navigate each other's personality flaws. Learn about each other's triggers that sort of thing.

But this last time she did it again. She told him that the relationship wasn't going to work because of her schooling. She just started college again, her friends, her family, her job, etc. And she also claimed that he violated her boundaries on the regular and hurt her feelings on the regular. When he asked for an example or to explain she would be very vague. She said she did need to go into detail. But then she ended it with well. Maybe after a year or two we can get back in touch and still be friends.

Much like to your situation. Very quite confusing. Because a week before she did this. She exclaimed that she loved him very deeply and confessed that he was the only one she could turn to whenever she had a problem. And now she's exclaiming that she gets anxiety from talking to him and he violates her boundaries. But yet is willing to keep the door open just in case.

He has told me he doesn't know if he wants to keep that door open. Because he has to live with that pain. She gets to go off and do whatever and meanwhile he sits there in depression and pain until she comes back and acts like everything is fine. And he has told me if she does come back that he has his own boundary list that he would like to enforce. And one of them which is to tell her friends and family about the relationship not keep it a secret. And to acknowledge the pain and hurt that she has caused him. And even then he says he might not take her back. Because she is more than likely dating someone else right now. She broke up with him more than likely to see some other dude. And that is very painful.

So, yeah breakups are tough. But also you cannot let yourself keep getting burned all the time for this person. And let them use therapy. Speak to get away with stuff. Like oh I just need to work on myself or I'm working on healing myself. Meanwhile, they're not doing any of that. Instead they are lying and giving you mixed signals. It is best that y'all too go your separate ways. And yeah it's going to hurt because you invested your time and energy in this relationship. But you can learn from this. It's a painful lesson. It's going to take time to heal from so no need to rush back out into the dating scene. Take care of yourself for a change.

Sending love and hugs 🫂 ❤️

[mindfulmeow in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Thank you so much! I definitely do not want to keep burning myself for someone who does not value and appreciate the love and support I give. It's genuine and worthwhile love, but you can't help someone who can't even help themselves. I'm 100% sure he's an avoidant, but again he has to want that. He keeps the door open instead of saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore, which is confusing. I love him but it would take a lot of change and actions to get me to trust him again to the level we did have. Regardless, it's wasted energy to think about the possibility of him coming back bc he might not. And I deserve the love that I give as well. If he can't see what he's losing, it's not my responsibility to stay in an environment that's not supplementing love and energy in return. Maybe a few years from now he'll realize it or maybe he won't. Maybe he doesn't even think about me now. It was his decision. If he regrets it, it's his responsibility to say something and fix what he broke. But I'm not going to wait for him to realize that. I'll heal from this and keep living my life with no regrets. I gave my all to him and supported, cared, loved him in every way, so if he doesn't appreciate that than it's not my responsibility to make him see the genuine and unconditional love I gave him. At the end of the day, I can proudly say I lived with no regrets and I did not stop myself from loving someone. He hasn't changed at all when I stayed, so maybe by finally leaving he will see everything in a different light (or maybe he won't). Ultimately, it's not my responsibility to make him realize anything. Truth is, he might already know and still not want to do anything with me. He can search for me in other girls or see if the grass is greener elsewhere.

[mindfulmeow in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

And thank you for sharing your friends story. I know what it's like and I'm sorry he's going through all of that. I hope he finds healing and peace. Someone would be lucky to have his patience and forgiveness and not take advantage of it. She realizes how good of a person he is and doesn't want to let him go so she keeps sending mixed signals to keep his there.

[Penguinlover09]

I know this post is 4 months old but I wanted to comment to let you know you arent alone. My story is very similar to yours. I was with him for 12 years and out of the blue he called it quits because of another woman. I got "I love you but im not in love with you" I also got "Dont be sad im being dumb", "I keep thinking this will be a big mistake", and "I know I have it made with you so I dont know why Im doing this". So yea mixed signals. Like you I am devasted because I poured myself into this relationship. I communicated my needs, I made sacrifices and I took care of him in every way possible but yet he couldnt even communicate with me. I apparently didnt even deserve that. I find myself also comparing to her the girl he left me for. What does she have that I dont. Why wasnt I good enough. I could of done more. Why is he doing things with her that I begged for. It's not fair. The thing is it is not us. When someone seeks validation outside of the relationship they are unhappy with themselves. I know its hard to believe that trust me I am trying to convince myself of this right now but it has nothing to do with us.