Relationship advice

[Louloubelle26]

I have been with my husband for 31 years, we've had a lot of rough times along the way. When I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago it led to a better understanding between us but within 6 months my brother (who I was estranged from, as well as my mother) hung himself. My world was blown apart and my mental health has suffered since then.

I know I am not the easiest person to live with. The symptoms of my ADHD mean I am messy and chaotic but my childhood (narcissist mother, emotionally uncaring) mean I also have low self esteem and bouts of depression. I have a therapist who I have been with for several years who really helps me through the worst of times and I take antidepressants. My husband has retired from work and just works on renovating our old farmhouse, I still work full time as a nurse.

In the last 2 years since my brothers death our relationship has become more volatile and imbalanced. My husband is a high achiever, is well organised, skilled and successful. He cannot cope with my failures, my inability to cope with things that to most people are easy. I get easily overwhelmed and when that happens I tend to hit rock bottom fairly quickly. He understands this but his tolerance is now zero.

He is now this person I no longer like anymore and his behaviour is now nasty and spiteful. The more angry and intolerant he becomes the more I shrink away and become, what he sees, as a victim. That makes the situation worse and now it doesn't take much of an argument for him to become totally destructive. He says that my downers cause destruction and if its ok for me then its ok for him. His behaviour could be smashing ornaments or crockery, tipping the rubbish bin in the middle of the floor, walking with muddy boots over my clean laundry. Yesterday he did all of that but then he went to the greenhouse and ripped out pots and trays of flowers that I have been growing for weeks. He also told me he wished I was dead. Last week in one of his outbursts he told me to go and hang myself like my brother and do everyone a favour. I cannot understand his hatred. I sat in the greenhouse last night, with my dead plants around me and just sobbed. He talks almost every day when I am not working about his life being not worth living because of me and how he will take a rope up the woods and hang himself. I told him yesterday that my therapist thinks he is abusive and he immediately said he wanted a separation then a divorce and we would sell up. He said I had turned him into an ogre and he never wanted to be that person and he had to get away from me. I love this man but he is like Jekyll and Hyde. I know I have lots of issues but I take responsibility for my moods, my ADHD. I do not recognize the person who has done and said all of these things. I don't know how to deal with this anymore

[litethatnevergoesout]

louloubelle I can speak a bit regarding your husbands behavior lately. it’s abusive and although it’s not physically taken out on you directly, like smashing you rather than objects, walking on laundry with mud rather than walking on you and attacking botanicals instead of attacking you it is still abuse towards you. If you were both in the same room and he were to throw something in anger across the room but not directly at you it still counts as throwing it directly at you. it’s abuse, the things he’s saying make me feel sick, those are abuse too. this abuse is about as extreme as I can picture. you both need help urgently. I do not know what or where. this has to stop I think you are aware of that.

I hope you get more support from others here.

[LoveforAll41]

Hi Loulou, I am so sorry that you have been through so much and that things are so hard. I applaud you for continuing to work throughout all of this, that is so hard for me. Yes, this is abuse. 31 years is a long time, and you have put a lot of work into this relationship. That does not mean that it is worth continuing. I think it would be good to take a good long look at this and see what the benefits of continuing the relationship are. Perhaps with your therapist. Do you just want to stay because of the unknown of not having this relationship? Or you think you would be a failure if you left? I assure you that there is no failure in taking care of yourself.

I get the hitting rock bottom so fast... I will have a day when I feel like a failure and eat crap and then I am depressed for days. The thought of getting up every morning just makes me sick. I think that this can be very hard to understand for those who do not have anxiety/depression. I find most of the time we get angry if expectations are not met, and your husband probably has a bunch that you don't want to do if you are depressed.

Couples therapy is obviously a thing that I think would be great, but it sounds like your husband would probably be against it. I wish you peace ☮️

[Cb1963]

Hey Louloubelle 26, where to start, firstly let me send my deepest sympathy regarding your brother, I'm " damaged " goods myself, I also had the tragic events that happened to me, I found my friend hanging, and it's something that will never leave me, your husband has to take responsibility for his own actions and having his outbursts are borderline on a form of abuse, you need to understand that your condition isn't something you want, and perhaps your husband doesn't realise how it affects you, it's all well and good saying you love your husband but looking from the outside in things need to change, and I don't mean you. Myself personally I'd seriously think about terminating this marriage, you are being dragged down and him using the same weapon of abuse that happened to your brother is truly awful,if anything your the one who is trying to keep this relationship alive, not him , I feel sorry how things are going for you and I understand how you feel, don't think your not strong enough, you need to break the actions that has turned YOUR LIFE into a spiral of events which you don't deserve, this becomes emotional blackmail, and you're entitled to have some happiness in your life, and trying to sort your husband's issues seems to be getting into a different proposition, I know it's all well and good that I'm just typing away from the peace and quiet in my flat, but life is like a set of scales once they become unbalanced it's increasingly harder to reset them, I'm wishing you something better over the coming weeks and months, take care Chris 🙂

[Louloubelle26]

Our lives have become so unbalanced but I simply don't want to live this way anymore. The fact that my therapist said he was abusive, he just couldn't cope with that. He works really hard to try to make a nice home but a home should be a place of shelter and peace not one where I am dreading the next outburst. He just criticises me all the time and I have no resilience, I have such low self esteem that constant name calling just wears me down and I feel like all he wants is to be alone, away from me. My brother was the same as him, desperately insecure and abusive to his partner until she left him despite loving the good side of him. When my brother was alone with nobody to blame he took his own life. I can see my husband is the same, he is depressed, isolated, totally dependent on me for everything, but he'd never admit to any of those things. I feel unable to reach him anymore

[Cb1963 in reply to Louloubelle26]

I can see your point, however your life is needing a readjustment, unless your husband can't accept your condition it seems things maybe not worth fighting for, the thought of your brother will play heavily on your mind and your husband's reaction isn't one of comfort, I had counselling for my ptsd, and it was down to me to accept that I wasn't in control of my friends death, I had another traumatic event a bit further down the line and this really pushed me over the edge, the roller coaster of a ride makes your condition makes you more vulnerable. There's the failure of a marriage that will upset you, the years you've had together,but surely you're becoming a bird in a cage , trapped and had your wings clipped, its becoming more apparent your husband doesn't take your feelings into account, yes the "nice" things in life might seem great, but that's just materialistic items,perhaps your comparing your husband's problems to the same as your brother (sadly) and this resonates on how things would be if you were no longer together, and those thoughts terrify you, I've become a deep thinker over the years and trying to write posts especially to strangers is probably the hardest thing to do.

Only you know how your husband would react to saying you need a break, it all depends on him how he can perhaps seek help, perhaps you need a few more outgoings in your life, and if his behaviour doesn't improve or seek help you really should consider the rest of your future, it's all about making decisions and making tough decisions can cause friction, the bird needs to sing and have some freedom, otherwise the rest of your life will flash ahead of you full of regrets, wishing you a positive outcome, Chris.

[Fefe09]

I don’t have an answer to your problem but I wanted to pray for you if that’s ok. Dear Heavenly Father I come before you with thanksgiving. Thank you for this beautiful person you have created. She’s going thru a difficult time in her life right now and she needs your guidance. Her husband needs your guidance too. I pray for there marriage to grow in love and not in hurt. I pray for there mental state. Please father just fill there home with blessings. May they come together as one with you and let there marriage be everlasting love in your name I pray this amen. I pray for your marriage, your well being, and happiness. Maybe see if he will go to therapy with you sometime. Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof. It’s a really good movie . Maybe you and he could have movie night one night and watch that together. It’s very humbling movie . Kirk Cameron stars in it. If he won’t watch it then maybe you can . Take care and God bless

[Dolphin14 in reply to Fefe09]

Fefe09

I believe this is the content that is against the rules.

We can check with HU on this

🐬

[Dolphin14]

Faux

We must send this to our friend!

❤️🐬

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

I mean really....in reality the guy was just a hippie talkin about peace and love and kindness. I'm sure he's really shaking his head in disgust at the horror done in his name, and how much hate is spouted .... I'm sure he's embarrassed and sad at all the idiots using his name to marginalize people and promote making money...I don't think he has a bank account....so who's pockets are getting lined with all the cash.

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

haha!!! That was very well said! Extra coffee today my friend? You are on fire

❤️❤️

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

Energy drink....

Yeah.... it does burn my Derrière when this pulpit preaching goes on here.... there is a time and a place for everything.... and this ain't church. And there are others here that don't appreciate being made to feel excluded because they have a different faith, or it's a trigger for them to be preached to.

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

It is Sunday though

LOL

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

Your preaching to the choir, honey...haaaaa.

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

Hahahah

[MadBunny]

🤣🤣

[hypercat54]

Love it faux