Deciding to breakup and co parent - Anxiety and Depre...

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Deciding to breakup and co parent

mermaidrunner
mermaidrunner

My partner and I are discussing a breakup due to me being unhappy in the relationship for a while (getting confused with if it is the relationship or just depression/ anxiety in general). We have a two year old daughter together. I am completely broken by the thought of us splitting. I saw a text on his phone from a hookup website. He said it was spam and I want to believe him because he has been nothing by loyal. What hurts the most is he seemed okay with the idea of us splitting. He said if I unhappy with him, its better for our daughter for us to not be together so she can have a happy mom. He also doesn't want me to only stay with him for our daughter. Sometimes I think that is why I feel so much pressure to stay. I know he is right, but the reality that he is okay with moving on is very hurtful. I guess I just wanted him to fight for our family to stay together. I have no one to talk to about my sadness and it is really weighing heavily on me. I will be talking to a lawyer about my options so that I can protect myself if need be. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Can you try a separation but stay in same house so your child is not disrupted? You could try an emotional detachment to give u time to work on yourself... it’s likely your anxiety talking but only way to find out is to work on it or try couple therapy?! Wait on lawyer as that will only make it final...

It could be that your anxiety and depression are hard on him eh?

Probably. He doesn't admit that but you are probably right.

It is very hard on the partner. I have been told quite bluntly about what it is like personally. I was asked this... it would have made it worse for you if I told you so perhaps you should try and see things from his side in order to heal yourself.

Sometimes if we acknowledge the pain we cause with the change in who we became under depression/anxiety it helps a lightbulb come on in our heads to spur a different kind of change. 1 that makes us want to control the anxiety, our reactions, spinning negative thoughts, jumping to conclusions etc. Imagine being accused of cheating when that person has been loyal.. it must be maddening. Would he risk your reaction telling you he was having a hard time?

Imagine all these negative thoughts compounding in your mind thinking what? You doubt yourself? Being a good partner? Doubt your physical self after having a baby? Did you have post partum depression by chance?

Could your thoughts make you feel unhappy about you so you are blaming him for your unhappiness because it’s easier? I am asking cuz I’ve done this...

I think you could be right which is why I am going to prioritize counseling to get to the root of my depression/ anxiety before making any decisions. I am confused on what it is and no I did not have post partum depression. I appreciate this insight. This whole thing has been really hard and confusing.

Post partum does not always happen right after baby it can take longer sometimes.... how long have you felt this way? Your child is 2 correct? Did you breast feed as this can prolong onset of pp depression.

I did breastfeed. This has been happening for a while but has progressively gotten worse especially the anxiety. The depression got worse I'd say within the past couple months. She is 2.

Thank you. I spoke to the lawyer for advice it was a free consultation with my Eap program with work. Nothing was filed-- only gathering information. So scary.

Stay calm... are you sure you want it to be this final? It’s an awfully big decision when you are unsure of the reason for your unhappiness. Do you think that maybe you should figure out if this is depression/anxiety talk or if this is your true feelings first?

This is your daughters father is all. Have you attended couple therapy or any therapy to begin with?

I am going to schedule therapy for myself to start I doubt he would be willing to do couples counseling but will ask him once I get my head right. I am not making any decisions right now.

I’m happy to hear about therapy. I think you should ask him so u can show him that you have not given up and that u are unsure of your intentions towards relationship as your anxiety may be talking? The guy seem like he is supportive to you... he has stayed thru all this... give him some credit please.

I will. Thank you.

I think what you are experiencing is something your partner was expecting it’s probably been discussed a few times before hand like you said you’ve mentioned being unhappy a while or it could be depression but it could be your relationship Is adding to the depression I’ve been in a similar position in the past and it can become very confusing when depression is in the mix because you don’t know if your coming or going your partner has probably heard it that many times he’s now going through an acceptance stage and really thinks he might as well just move on and think of his future I really don’t think co parenting will be an issue here and you just have to focus on yourselves and you getting better depression wise and him getting on I know you think he should fight but it’s because I feel a sence of everything being push and pull because you don’t want to give up on him you don’t want to give up on him but you don’t want things to go wrong but things can be as amicable as you make them you can either break up an easy way or a hard way x

Thank you this was very helpful. I really don't want to jump to splitting but I need to get my mind right so I am better able to decide what is really causing my unhappiness.

Maybe you could have a temporary break?you are wanting him to Fight because you are wanting someone to lean on !you are used to him being their and filling certain gaps which anxiety and depression can’t fill (this could be anything from not being able to call a cab on your own) but you must find your true self if you find you are missing him during the break he is worth fighting for if not he could be the one adding to the depression

This is so true. I must find my true self I am definitely on that journey and hope to get there one day.

c-mac
c-mac in reply to mermaidrunner

I like the suggestion of trying out co-habitating while you get your feet under you. Mostly to protect your child from a possibly unnecessary separation.

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It is true that the child would do better with two happy parents. My husband divorced with a child so I have been there with visitation and such. It's a long messy road and must be handled with care. There will be other marriages, step parents, siblings. Think it through because the upcoming journey will be difficult as well.

I hate to hear about situations like this, I really hope you both find a way to reconnect with each other not only for the child but also for yourselves. I’m struggling in my relationship as well

I wish you the best. It makes everything so much harder when kids are involved and you wanting the best for them

I hope we all get what we want

you should never stay in a relationship for a child kids grow up and move away partners are supposed to be their to stay till death do us part you wouldn’t want them to see you unhappy then living alone because things did not work

He wants you to be happy. He might be hiding his hurt because he knows it will hurt you more. My parents spilt up when I was 15. Yes it hurt. But I realized they were much happier separated. I would rather see both my parents happy separated then together and be miserable. I know it’s hard but if you think it’s the right choice then you should do it.

mermaidrunner
mermaidrunner in reply to Suzhou

Thank you.

This is difficult! Maybe you just need time a part and counseling. Divorce is final and messy. Everyone is young so it may be easier to move on now. I waited 23 years and I feel like we needed time a part and therapy now! It’s so hard to make a big decision but think it over carefully!

Thank you.

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If he’s telling you your child better off without you being together, and you found texts, then I’d get out of there, for your self ,and your daughter. Your child will be better off without you two not together. But if you really think it’s your anxiety then listen to the another person, ask him if he’ll go to couples therapy, if he won’t you got your answer. You ,and your child deserve a wonderful life.❤️

Very sorry to hear this. I did know a lady I previously worked with in a similar situation that had depression that pushed her into self harm that was stuck in a loveless room mate type marriage because of a child they adopted. She stays and is very unhappy and unhealthy. So although I do completely understand how that would effect you personally that he is so comfortable moving on but I think you need to view all perspectives of this and not just get hung up on one negative as easy as it is to do. I am 100 percent available to listen and share a few of other views that maybe its easier for someone on the outside to see. Feel free to message. Good luck and positive vibes your way.

If you trust your husband....then take his advice. He chose to be your partner as well as your lover. If he says it is spam. Then make it spam and move on. Do not let emotions get in the way of who you are. It is hard to be emotionally in control when you are also a Mom. So if the Dynamics of being a strong family is there still. Then keep it in place. Regret is a horrible place to be in. Far worse then what you have right now. It is hard to come by solid relationships in such trying times. Believe in your inner being and stand by your decision. Just remember ... the chance it may be a mistake to leave now seems to be higher if happiness and trust has not be broken. Just work it out together. Time can also heal.

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Think you sound insecure. May be check your health for B12 vitamin D and iron levels as these can go down after ha IMG a baby. There is no cut off date for post partum moods except in the minds of male medical staff. You have the future ahead of you and may be your relationship has altered so your partner feels excluded. You have to keep in the loup as your partner. He needs affection and love too. Men aren't intuitive like women so they are not on the same page emotionally as you . Your little one should bring you and your extended family together enjoying activities together. If it libido or you don't find your partner attractive any more it would be hurtful to be told by you that you were t happy with him and he was letting you down by looking at something which was a pop up scam. This has happened on my computer and it can break a marriage when these pop ups appear. Don't take it seriously. Those photos of you together playing with your daughter should mean the world to you. You are a family . You are right to work out your health and how you feel before doing anything to break up.

Do not stay together because of the kid or having a family. Its hard i know but it will make it worse on the kid in the long run if you guys are together and both not happy or fight alot.

One impression I got from your post, which may or may not be true, but would explain the things you are experiencing, is that your anxiety and depression have dominated the relationship. So he's trying to give you space to figure it out, which you interpret as his noninterest in you. It may be as simple as helping him realize you want to be rescued. Of course, even if that's what you want, that might not be what's actually good for you. The answer might lie somewhere between him disconnecting from you and him completely taking over.

mermaidrunner
mermaidrunner in reply to c-mac

I appreciate this insight.

If you think you are depressed and anxious now, wait until you go through a divorce and try to recreate your life with your child alone. It is hell. I tried "Co Parenting" it went pretty well for about two years until he got a new family.

You made the commitment to have a child and raise it with your husband. At least try going to a psychiatrist to work this out before making such a big decision. Divorce is very hard on children, for their entire lives.

I agree thank you .

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