Why Am I Soo Desperate?: I just met a... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Why Am I Soo Desperate?

ImOutOfControl55
ImOutOfControl55

I just met a Guy in May of this Year and at First I thought it be a Fling Only but it turned into more! So we have been talking since May and even after I returned Home we were talking constantly! I thought he was pretty great and we were soo close even though we live far apart. I honeatly havent been with anyone special since I broke it off with my Emotional & Physical Abusive Boyfriend of 9 Years. He put me through Hell but I kept believing in his Lies and when he say he was sorry I still continue dealing with him! I always believe in the good of others and like to help others. I took soo much abuse from him but I didn't want to be alone I know it's Crazy but it's just the way I am! So I kept helping him but finally after 9 Years of going back & forth I finally cut ties with him for good! So now onto this New Guy everything was going really well even though he lives far but than he had his own issues and started not talking to me live like he was before! So I started feeling abandoned and I hated that feeling so I would beg and plead with him to please no matter what just stay in touch and chat with Me Live everyday but to him that was a tall order and he would not oblige me so I got really angry and I would have resentment even if he talked nice to me! As he stated at least I'm texting everyday but I didnt want texting I wanted face to face Chat because I missed him! So this kept happening he just would text nothing else so I got more & more mad and I was worried hes rejecting me or seeing someone else and he said he wasnt and that he only thinks of me but my bad thoughts were taking over and I just kept accusing him of things he never ever did! I feel terrible I did this to him but I just couldnt stop worrying that I was losing him and he wasnt gonna be with me! I'm worried I'll never find anyone in time to get Married, or to have a Son and it scares me to my Core! I dont want to be alone and he was supposed to move in soon and now today we got into a big arguement and now it's over and my heart hurts alot! Like I'm thinking I'm soo screwed up I'll never find anyone to love me the way I should be loved! But on the other hand I'm pleading with this Man to just give me more Live Chats and he said I need to chill because I'm acting Crazy! I hate being called Crazy it dredges up soo many bad flashbacks for me and I literally hate that word period. So I didn't think I was asking for a lot but to him I was! And so even after we breakup I still want him to come here and stay 2 Weeks and also bring back my Phone I bought him! But he keeps saying I'm crazy and he never wants to talk to me again! But I still want him and I was hoping by saying Goodbye to him he would wakeup and understand my needs but instead he got Evil and told me off saying I'm always Complaining and Bickering with him! I am in Shock though because I really thought asking him for what I wanted was not a lot to ask for but I guess it was because I lost him and I'm very sad now because I really liked him and I know that when we lived together it would be soo great because we wouldnt be soo far away from eachother anymore! So has anyone else felt this Strongly and needed to have attention everyday from the one that says he loves you? Or am I alone on a Island somewhere with this Topic? Please any advice will help just please dont be rude! It takes alot for me to open up so I'm taking a huge chance here! Please Help Me!

25 Replies
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Hidden
Hidden

Hello Imout!

My advice to you would be to date real, live people and not attempt long-distance relationships. You can’t possibly, really know someone if you don’t see them. I’m sure plenty of folks would disagree with me though! 🌺😊🌺

Janet01
Janet01 in reply to Hidden

Very good advise, I really don't think he's the person she needs for her best wellbeing. It sounds like a one-sided love. Again I say he is very bad for her, all the signs are there.

Stay strong.

Lakewolf
Lakewolf in reply to Hidden

It does work for some people, even married ones.

Just another thing about people that I’ll never understand.

It is not a good idea to ask for constant reassurance. Doing this can make the other person withdraw. It is also important to respect the other person's boundaries. Also, you seem to indicate you bought him an iPhone. Don't get expensive presents for someone you don't know very well. Did you feel he was obligated to chat because you got him the phone? This is putting too much pressure on him, and also, not good for you. I am sure you will meet someone else, but take it much more slowly.

Hidden
Hidden

Are you receiving any therapy for the abusive relationship you were in? I think you won’t find peace until you address the underlying issues that convinced you to stay in an abusive relationship for so long. You need to take a step back and take care of your emotional health.

ImOutOfControl55
ImOutOfControl55 in reply to Hidden

Are You a Therapist? Why do you say that to step back and deal with my Abusive Relationship! I have dealt with it! I thought People here also have Mental Problems too and wouldnt Judge others but I guess I was wrong! I was looking for Support here not ridicule!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to ImOutOfControl55

Some times the truth is hard to hear. I am sorry you perceive my response as ridicule.

a_aileen
a_aileen in reply to Hidden

Agreed!

It’s like don’t ask for advice if you can’t accept anyone’s input.

Now Your Reply was Rude! There's Also a Saying that Don't Judge People Until You Walk In Their Shoes! So that's a Lesson for you to learn! Seriously Your Reply was just uncalled for! I'm pretty sure you are not Perfect either!

Here_I_ am did not ridicule you. He gave you honest, good advice.

I am so sorry to hear about your story.

Thank you very much for saying that! 😊

Honey, I’m so sorry this happened to you!

People are like that, though. A good rule to follow is to watch & wait for a year. I know it’s a long time, but if he’s really special, you should see it within that year.

On the other hand, if he’s a jerk, you’ll see that, too. Let me know how you’re doing, ok?

Yes I really appreciate Your Words! And I will keep you posted!

Dear ImOutOfControl55

I understand not wanting to be alone. I hated being single. With My agoraphobic tendencies, nowadays I will not go out into public without my safe person. (Aka My Husband,or a friend I really trust.)

My Husband was the same way with his other relationships, before me. He always thought his previous girlfriends where too clingy. He wanted more alone time.

He says that changed when he met me. We have many common interest. Now he tells me all the time, how shocked he is, when his other married friends aren't best friends also.

I didn't do any thing to change him. We were lucky, we are one the same page. If someone can not accept you as is, they are not really your friend. I think that goes double for more intense relationships. Admittedly waiting for your other half is difficult. Going out doing things you love helps. I'm a nerd, my husband was a friend of a friend at a D & D secession. So when we met we already had that in common.

Here_I_ am made a good point, extra therapy couldn't hurt. I am, sorry, but your reaction to his advice, shows that this is a tender subject. I know you are hurting, but try to remember we all have issues. Kittens don't mean to hurt you, they just don't know any better. Again, I think that goes both ways.

As for the phone if you have a receipt for it, you might try small claims court. But, if he can prove it was a gift, you still might be out the cost. I would (and I remind you this is free advice, from a person with her own anxieties.). Don't threaten, call, or approach this person. Things are just too new and raw on both sides. If you do to go small claims, let your attorney handle it. Again it depends on how much you want the phone.

In the meantime, keep busy doing the things you love. (If you game, play an hour or two more than you normally do, take yourself to that restaurant or movie, you have been wanting to go to whatever). In times of stress we deserve a little coddling. Who knows you just might find Mister Right during the process.

I hope that this helps, and wish you the best.

Sincerely

The Grey Cat Lady

P.S. If this doesn't help. You have my permission to print out this reply and destroy it into a million pieces. Or a paper airplane, I leave to your discretion.😸

Nooo I won't take this Reply and Shred into a Million Pieces! I really appreciate Your Advice and I am going to do more things I love and really concentrate my Clingy Needy ways! I'm gonna try to do that and I am grateful for the way you replied! Thank you again 😊

I have found that people become clingy because they have emotional needs that were never met when they were young.

Is this true of you?

Please understand that being clingy is a defence mechanism against abandonment... and realise also that it doesn’t work.

Please... PM me if you need to talk. It might take me a little while to respond, because I’m disabled, but am still a carer for a woman I’ve lived with for 15 years.

It’s exhausting...but it’s well worth it.

My pleasure, feel free to write me. I'm no therapist, but I do try to think things through,and give reasonable responses. Sorry I don't do phones they terrify me. But I always try to respond to email.

I agree with here_I_am. First deal with any underlined issues. Why did you stay in the abusive relationship for 9 years? You mentioned abandonment issues "came up " when the new guy didn't call everyday. What are those issues? Have you worked to resolve them? I think you are a super person and I think that you will make a very positive mate for someone in the future. I think right your focus should nor be on the other person and what he is not doing. You are so important that I think you should place your focus on you. Go see a therapist, find out why your abandonment issues come up, what can you do to resolve those issues. Fall in love with yourself. You are much too valuable a person to allow someone to abuse you. Find out why you accepted the abuse. Recognize how beautiful and important you are in this world, NO ONE SHOULD EVER ABUSE YOU! Spend time taking care of yourself. What do you like doing? Go do it by yourself, enjoy it. Write about it here!

Please keep posting here, we care about you and we will never judge you.

Thank you soo much for Your Reply it means a lot to say I'm a special Person because I dont see that anymore! I feel like Im cursed and only deserve a Mentally Ill Person and not a normal person because I'm just too damaged! But again these are my Dark thoughts that rape my Mind of my Happiness! So Yeah again as I read your Post I just appreciated what you said and how you emphasized I should not let anyone abuse Me! It's just hard when You grow up with soo much abuse that this is normal and should continue! I also had a Guy who would be soo smooth and Win Me back everytime and I fell for the Gifts he got Me and his empty Promises that he loves me and if I leave him he will end his life because that's how important I am to him! So Yeah I need to stop falling for Guilt Trips and recognize what's best for me! But Idk I have had soo much pain in my Life and I guess I thought staying him was the best because honestly how would I live if he was to Kill Himself because I left him! Idk I got a good heart and I feel I get taken advantage because of that! So again I'm gonna do my best to get rid of my Demons and again I appreciate all that you wrote! So Thank you soo much 😊

Lakewolf
Lakewolf in reply to countryboy1

I second that!!!

I hope that you go get into therapy, not to figure out why you are crazy but to figure out why you keep attracting Narcs and crazies and would towards being able to recognize them and be able to love yourself so you can find a healthy un-crazy person to spend life with please seek this out for you.

Lakewolf
Lakewolf in reply to beach3282

Sometimes I think that most people are totally bonkers...but I live in the US.

Other places are saner, I’m told.

Only a quick reply and one you probably won't want to read....but you need to be rid of this guy, he's making you more insecure and depressed. Good luck x

Hidden
Hidden

Two words “don’t beg”.

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