Am I the real problem?

[GuineaPigMunchii25]

Hello everyone,

I recently got the chance to celebrate my boyfriends birthday yesterday and he had a good time but the days leading up to his birthday were filled with anxiety and depression because I was worried about money and the place we live in is still completely terrible. Usually the way I was raised to celebrate birthdays was to give the person a birthday weekend so he had 4 days to celebrate his birthday with me and I pretty much bought everything because I wanted to and I didn't mind at all.

Within those weeks I found myself to be extremely moody and sad but also filled with so much anxiety because I felt like I wasn't going to give him a good birthday and well that's exactly what ended up happening. He never said it was terrible he said he had an awesome time and that he just wanted to spend it with me but I kept arguing with him and he's not the type to argue or yell so he didn't really mind and he's been really supportive of my moods but I just can't help but think of how bad of a person I am to even have them.

And it's not like it was for a reason why I was upset it was just small stuff that shouldn't upset anyone and yet I took it very emotionally. Like the day of his birthday I told him we should go out and just enjoy being outdoors and I could buy him anything he wanted and we ended up going different places but everything was expensive and we went to bath and body works and it was extremely crowded and I have social anxiety so my first thought was to leave and the people just were being rude and he ended up tripping over some furniture they had on the floor because the crowd wouldn't move and we ended up leaving and I just got completely depressed.

I ended up not wanting to do anything else even though it was his birthday I told him he could still do whatever he wanted but I just felt like my attitude ruined everything and then I just started uncontrollably crying and I couldn't stop. I just felt so bad for him and I had ruined everything and the days leading up to his birthday I felt were bad because I was moody and emotional and he just kept telling me it's okay but its not.

This isn't the first time I've done this to him I've been really depressed recently and I tell him that and he doesn't really know what to do and I don't know what to tell him to help me. I even forgot to put the candles on his cake and it just made me cry. I've been crying all day, I haven't eaten anything and I'm tired of constantly feeling bad and depressed and moody.

I am on birth control and I know that's always the problem and I have a new one I'm gonna try and hopefully it won't make me as bad as this one but I don't know. But the other part of me just feels like that's an excuse like everything I say about my moods is an excuse because I felt like well maybe I'm doing it on purpose but I don't have a reason to do anything bad or want to hurt anyone on purpose.

I just feel so so so so bad about everything about yesterday and I keep apologizing and being accountable and wanting to change but I don't know what else to do. I'm completely broke now after buying so much which again I didn't mind at all I'm not a big worrier about money and he deserved it because he's always buying and doing everything but why am I just constantly moody all the time and why do I stay in these depressive negative episodes?

And nothing helps me to get out of it and I never know what to tell anyone it's just like there's a wall and I just don't want to be happy anymore and I don't know why 😭😭😭😭

[hypercat54]

Your bf sounds wonderful and is definitely a keeper.

I am sorry his birthday was such a disaster but these things happen and usually after a while you can both just laugh about it and put it down to life happening while you are planning it.

Its great that he didn't care about this and just wanted to spend the day with you and that was enough for him. Try and concentrate on the positive side of things and celebrate having a great man and relationship instead.

Now dry your tears, buy a bottle of wine and chocolate for you both and tell him happy birthday instead.

[GuineaPigMunchii25 in reply to hypercat54]

I really appreciate you responding to my post, you are so sweet! It made me cry 😭 and you're right I should focus on the positive I will definitely dry my tears and get that bottle of wine and chocolate ❤️ thank you so much for this! 😭😭❤️❤️

[hypercat54 in reply to GuineaPigMunchii25]

Ha ha enjoy. x

[GuineaPigMunchii25 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you I will ❤️

[TattoosMakeMeCool]

what you said kind of resonates with me, thinking about everything and seeing a problem everywhere. Especially if it’s me who is setting everything up or planning something. I pick apart everything. But that’s the thing it’s just me seeing the problems the mistakes and when someone says I’m having a great time guess what? They really are! Your BF just wanted to spend time with you that’s all he really wanted for his birthday. The extra stuff was just that extra. You could have bought him a cake and a gift at home and he would have loved it because he’s there with you. I know that’s how I always felt when a girl did things for me. I just wanted to be with her the rest was just extra.

[GuineaPigMunchii25]

Awww I really appreciate you for responding and you're absolutely right! And I did get him a cake and he really did have a good time ❤️ I'm definitely like you and I'm glad I can resonate with someone but I really appreciate everything you said it really helped and made me feel better about everything! Thank you so very much 🥹

[AnxiousAllOver]

This resonates with me..and the same with what TattooesMakeMeCool said. I am constantly making issues about small things, that then add up to bigger issues until I've ruined an entire day being emotional and crying cause I pick apart every detail about how things are going to go. I feel like in my mind I set these expectations, and then when things don't go according to plan in even the SMALLEST way, I get so upset and I spiral...nothing can make me feel better. It's depressing. A similar thing happened to me this weekend. My bf got a new truck-his dream truck. And I was truly happy for him...but what did I do? I got upset because he wanted to go show all his buddies and I felt emotional that he didn't want to spend more time with me. I made it such an issue that we fought about it...all weekend. I ruined his exciting weekend with his new truck. Then I spent the rest of the weekend frustrated with myself for acting that way.

I understand completely, getting pulled into a whirlwind of your emotions and not knowing how to dig yourself out once you get to a certain point. I get accused of wanting to start a fight when that's not the case. My bf is pretty much pulling his hair out with me at this point..I'm so unreasonable. So honestly, try to embrace and show appreciation for someone who is gentle with you and your feelings. And try to show yourself some grace and be gentle with yourself as well. I know it's not always easy, but one day at a time. That's my mantra now...

[GuineaPigMunchii25 in reply to AnxiousAllOver]

Hi AnxiousAllOver,

Everything you just wrote is soooo me 😭 I do the exact same things and I can definitely understand what you said. I feel like I always have these expectations even if he doesn't and if anything goes wrong with it I get upset and start trying emotional. I've always had problems controlling my emotions and have worked on it so much all my life and tried to let things go and it's always so difficult because I know that I shouldn't do that and try I do and like you said I end up getting upset with myself later after everything and because he never argues or fights with me I always feel worse for reacting the way I did. I will definitely be more gentle with the both of us and appreciate him more I know I can be unreasonable as well. One day at a time is definitely something I need to hear so thank you so much for responding to my post ❤️

[AnxiousAllOver]

I'm the same. I am constantly feeling like there's a voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm going to regret saying that, or making a big deal out of this. It's so hard. But it's like you just can't help doing it anyways, even though you know the outcome is going to be the same.I don't know if this helps you or not, but I've been using this technique to check myself and bring myself kinda back to reality when I'm about to act a certain way that I know I'm going to instantly regret. My therapist told me to think of the situation like a smoke detector, and take a moment and ask myself if this is a full-out-house-is-on-fire-everything-is-burning-down situation, OR if maybe it's just a little smoke. Maybe instead of yelling fire, you could just open a window? And I am finding that this metaphor really helps me for some reason. My brain ALWAYS tells me to yell fire. But when I simply ask myself and kind of rationalize it in such a simple way, it's a bit easier sometimes for me to say "ok, this isn't life-ending". The house isn't on fire...no one is dying. Things just didn't go exactly as planned.

[GuineaPigMunchii25 in reply to AnxiousAllOver]

Me too! But this definitely sounds like a good technique to try because I feel like I just take everything and make it a big deal and bring other negative stuff before in to and that just makes everything worse so I will definitely try this technique or sounds like it really helps and I really appreciate you for sharing it with me I really want to stop doing this 🥹

[Raggedy-Ann]

Hi, depression is an illness, remember that and treat it as such. He can't fix you and you are not broken. See a therapist and psychiatrist, you are going to learn how to live with this. Nobody would choose to feel like this. Immediate help is at your fingertips. Sharing here is really helpful, we know what its like to be inexplicably depressed. Start researching depression and how to care for yourself when it is bad. I know what it feels like when people say, just be happy. Things that help me is easting very clean food, healthy food. I use an ap called YUKA and it is free. You point it at any food label and it tells you on a scale of 0-100 how nutritious it is. It took a bit of learning but after a couple of months my mood lifted.If I am spending an unusual amount of time in bed I change my sheets. I hope some of this is helpful.

[GuineaPigMunchii25 in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

It's definitely very helpful and I will I was working on seeing a therapist yesterday and I will definitely try clean eating too. I'm glad I was able to post this to be able to get help, advice and support and I really appreciate your suggestions! Thank you so much! ❤️