Need Some Support

[Elizabeth830]

Hello Everyone,

I haven't posted about my journey regarding my divorce in quite some time as I have been trying to manage everything on my own. As we all can relate, we can only go so long and anxiety/depression comes in like a lion.

My divorce has stalled. I have handed over all the documents that were requested and proposed a fair settlement agreement. Narcissistic husband and his lawyer are not providing any documents or replying to any correspondence my attorney has sent. Nothing has moved in the last two months. That part doesn't concern me as much because I am the one that has to give up everything. Narc husband doesn't have to give me anything because I am the breadwinner. With the exception of wanting to be done with him forever, I have no incentive to finalize the divorce. If he doesn't file the proper paperwork, I retain what I have worked for my entire life. The only negative is that I will not be able to remarry and at this point, I don't care.

Upon my lawyer's request, I am still living in the house with Narc, at opposite ends. We are typically civil towards one another with the exception of a few things. This past week was my birthday. The night before my birthday he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with him. I didn't, I had already eaten. Later on I said I was going to get an ice cream and asked him if he wanted me to bring him back one. He then asked if he could go with me. I was like, OoooKkkk. On the way there he said he would treat and that he was using special money. I was like Oh? He said yea his cousin was cleaning out her dead father's house and came across their grandmother's old wallet from when she died in 1992 and there was $30 still left in it. The cousin then gave it to my husband's mother who then gave it to him to do something special with, with a special person. Ok, so now, I am, "special". Months ago I was a nag and a bitch that was fucked up in the head.

Then the next day, the day of my birthday he left me a card. "Things that don't age well, bananas, dance moves, tattoos, yearbook photos, (and when you open it) But, You? Still Amazing. No Surprise There. Happy Birthday, Love and his name. " What is up with that??? I am amazing, yet he had an emotional affair and is taking half of what I have worked hard for my entire life, after I have supported him through thick and thin...unemployment, health issues, family issues, etc.

I just let all this go until yesterday when the real estate lawyer emailed to say that the closing on the house was not going to occur until August 17 or 18. The closing was supposed to happen the week of the 6th and I scheduled movers to come get my things August 2. I was very disappointed and talked to my husband and said that it was unacceptable. Apparently the buyer is trying to coordinate our sale with the sale of her current residence. That is supposed to be disclosed to the seller. Neither she nor her agent disclosed that to us. Instead of supporting me in my disappointment (which I know was my first mistake ), his response was that things like this happen everyday. Ugh, I don't want to hear that...please for the love of something just agree with me or take my side!!! There were a couple of other issues in which he did not agree with me or show any support.

Then I couldn't help myself. I asked what was up with the birthday card and the ice cream for "special" people. He said I knew you would complain about the card. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I said you are the one that had an emotional affair...to which he reiterates that it was just a friendship. NO ONE THINKS IT WAS JUST A FRIENDSHIP. Maybe he and his narc mother do, but NO ONE ELSE!!! Then he says he didn't want a divorce. I said I gave you the choice of her or me and you chose her. You think I am going to sit around and put up with that??? He then claimed that I am the one divorcing him. He asked me one day, he said his lawyer wanted to know if I was going to file or whether he should file. I asked my lawyer the next day and he said that we would file so that we were in the drivers seat so to speak. I didn't do this all on my own...we talked about it. Then I asked at what point did you stop loving me? Six months ago, a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago...did you ever love me in the last 34 years. To which he says he still loves me. Sure, you are taking me for half of everything I have saved for retirement and yet you claim to still love me. You wanted to argue with me over which spices in the cabinet I could keep, yet you still love me??? Then I said, you don't know what love is. Love is calling or texting someone when you know they are having a hard day, love is being there for people when they have medical appointments that are scary, not having to nag someone to do a small favor for you and putting yourself in someone else's shoes and hurting right along with them. You have yet to show any emotion about this at all. He then said I was being too emotional. To which I said at least I can show emotion, I can tell someone day after day what they mean to me. I can type a letter to a lawyer and respectfully tell him I am not happy instead of just saying, things like this happen every day. I just kept saying 34 years. I said leaving this house Wednesday is very hard for me, thinking about it is very stressful for me. Maybe it means nothing to you, it means a lot to me. I worked tirelessly trying to coordinate everything and pack/sell the majority of the house contents ALONE because he couldn't be bothered and it was all for nothing. 34 Years.

No one in his family wished me a Happy Birthday, not that I thought that they would. I have known them all for 34 years. It hurt. Last year I turned 50. I spend my birthday helping take care of my mother in law because she was deathly sick. I spent the night of my birthday helping her in and out of the bed to use the bathroom, the next day I spend the whole day with her in the emergency room while my narc husband went to get his hair cut and stop home for a while to relax. All while his four siblings and their spouses just let me be the one to take care of her. Yet one year later, after he has a lengthy emotional affair, I am just garbage....just thrown out like trash. Narc can do no wrong.

What is sending me over the edge is too many unknowns. Is all my stuff going to fit in the apartment? Am I going to spend the whole day crying? Will I be okay living by myself? What is it going to feel like when I leave the house for the last time? Drive down that road for the last time? I have never lived alone. I went from living with my parents to getting married to having my son. Are my neighbors going to be loud? Is it going to be in good enough condition when I get the keys Tuesday? Is my mail going to show up?

Everyone says that self care is important right now. I practice self care and none of it makes me feel better. I just end up feeling guilty that I wasted money on things or wasted my time doing something. I get my happiness from doing things for other people...I have no one to do anything for. I am a teacher, I am off for the summer. My biggest support system is the people I work with and my students. I don't have many of them right now. I was a wife for almost 30 years, am a mother to a 28 year old who lives on his own. I have no one to take care of anymore. I don't want a pet.

Facebook quotes keep telling me that the best is yet to be...be patient...be proud of how you have handled the last few months...things have to end for things to get better...love yourself...no matter how much it hurts now, one day you will look back and realized it changed your life for the better. It's not helpful.

I just want to press the fast forward button and be done with all of this. I want to be sitting on the couch with someone who loves me for me...overthinking and all...that I didn't have to chase or compromise my inner voice for...who puts my mind at ease...gives me a sense of peace...who gives me love and attention, holds my hand...acts like they at least like me in public...someone I don't have to beg to go to a serious doctor's appointment with me...not second guess my worth to them and criticize every..... single..... thing I do.

How long must I wait for this voice in my head to be muted and to experience someone love me for me? I think I could handle it better if I had a specific date in which everything would seem peaceful and quiet, and for me to feel content.

[Agora1]

Hi Elizabeth, unfortunately, you rationally know that no guarantee on one's happiness

can be written in stone. Out of the two of you, it sounds like it's your husband having

cold feet and second doubts. After all, he had the best of both worlds.

You on the other hand are struggling with different issues. Being self sufficient is a big

plus for you. A plus, that keeps many married women tied to a life of unhappiness

and stress because they don't have that security.

Starting a new path is always frightening to anyone. As for finding that special

someone who will love you for you, it could be waiting for you when you least

expect it. Looking for love doesn't always promise to end nicely. However, when

you least expect it, a spark may ignite between you and that special someone.

In time it can turn into a love you never knew existed.

Wishing you luck on your move Wednesday. Put one foot in front of the other

as you leave the old life behind and start anew on a positive path forward.

Eventually, those negative thoughts in your head will be muted and then turned

off completely. Be Happy Elizabeth, you so deserve it. xx

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. I’m trying as hard as a can to keep moving forward but it is so hard when outside forces and anxiety are holding you back.

[Agora1 in reply to Elizabeth830]

I understand and I hear you. It is not easy for you at all.

Think of it as an escape from your daily stress. I respect

you so much in taking this step. xx

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Agora1]

❤️

[gajh]

I am glad that you are here reaching out for support. You deserve support through this very stressful time. Even if self care doesn't make you feel better it is still important. Please take care of yourself.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to gajh]

Thank you

[LifeIsThePitts]

You.are.loved. I'm ALWAYS here for you!

[Mumbutterfly]

It will be hard. Very, very hard. But it will be very, very, very worth it. You will be able to start healing when you don’t have to live with all that you have put up with for so long. You did the best you could and held onto hope for as long as possible. Your best is good enough. It’s good enough for you to have the courage to change your circumstances when you realize that things will not get better until you do. If he really wants to have a good relationship with you, he will go to therapy and get help to change. Narcs are good at gestures and making themselves look good at times. Real change only happens when they take responsibility for their actions and seek professional help. Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist is much harder than from anyone else but it is possible. Grieve for the relationship you thought you were going to have with him and for the occasional good times you had. The stages of grief take time but the healing starts immediately. You will be busy with the move and then you’ll be back at work and be with your coworkers and students and things will get easier as time goes on. Change is scary but you’re doing it anyway. I and others on here will support you through this. We’re only a keyboard away.

Quote from a therapist on Instagram

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Mumbutterfly]

Thank you for your support. A lot of what you said is so very true.

[shawshankredemention]

I don't know what the right path forward is for you, but I can empathize a little with you. I am also a teacher and a blessing and a danger of being a teacher is that we derive happiness from helping others. You said. "I just end up feeling guilty that I wasted money on things or wasted my time doing something. I get my happiness from doing things for other people.." There is nothing wrong with derviing happiness from helping others, but..... You should never feel guilty from deriving some happiness by doing something just for yourself. When you are always helping others, sometimes we forget that it is ok to take time just for yourself. It is ok to spend some money on just making yourself happy. It is a balance.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to shawshankredemention]

You are right that I need to find some type of balance. Now that I am out on my own, I think I will realize how cheaply I can live and hopefully won’t feel so guilty spending money on myself. I feel like I am going to have so much more positive energy for my students this school year without the baggage of my husband.

[Elizabeth830]

This is so funny because I wrote that 9 months ago. I don’t even remember writing it and my life is so much better now. I have my down days but for the most part I’m thriving. Things trigger me and I hate that. The divorce was final last week. Thank you for posting so I could read about my past fears and see how far I have come. ❤️