Need help! Hard life decisions taking a toll

[confusedexpat]

Hi there!

I'm diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I'll try to make this short.

I'm a 38 old man, had a relationship for 18 years where we have a little boy. We were living in Scandinavia. Because of a lot of issues in our relationship, we ended up separating, I wanted to separate because I told my wife I was interested in a friend of hers (With whom I was having a on and off relationship for years...). But, before we did the actual separation my wife planted some cameras in our home and figured out that we were already seeing each other. This is of course terrible and I'm not proud, and I'm trying to be better and learn from my mistakes. She decided to move back to our home country with our child. I moved back as well temporarily to help her settle, to be able to come clean to her where I told her the whole truth of our 18 years together, and to help them as much as I can.

I'm now at a stage where I want to get my family back, and she is up for it as well, but I feel deep down that I want to get my family back for a lot of good reasons but none of them are internal, things like the traditional family values, I want my son to grow up in a good Scandinavian country, where he already had some friends, that can bring him a lot of opportunities in life, both him and her can have a better life, we can find a new place and start over. But I am scared that I get back to my old ways, even though she is now trying everything to make our relationship work, everything i said was missing she is giving me, treating me like I said I would like to be treated, but something is missing.... I've tried no contact with the other woman but she keeps coming to my head and I can't hide it. Lately I've been feeling all the physical sensations that I had on the first days after the break up and she finding out, I feel empty, I feel some sort of shocks that start in my head and go to my toes, I feel my heart beating in every inch of my body and this is a terrible sensation and I don't know what to do. Plus, of course my wife thinks that this other woman is dangerous to our kid, so, she does not want my kid ever near her which can make my life harder if I had chose to be with the other woman.

I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do, my son has a good support in our home country, but I want the best for him and her.. and that is not in our home country, but I don't know I will be able to let the other woman that I think about ever leave my mind...

Should I be selfish to the point of searching my happiness and help them from far and be as present as I can or, should I forget the other woman and try to build my family back? If I do that, how can I remove all the good memories I have with the other woman or at least learn to accept it and make this pain go away??

[LoveforAll41]

Well, this is heavy. I think you might get some heat here. I am sorry for your pain.

I think that you have to really really examine your core values here. I am very conservative and loyal and I would say that you have a lifetime responsibility to your son if not your wife. It is hard to try to do something that perhaps does not actually align with your values but only values you wish that you had, or your family or community values but perhaps you do not. I think counseling for yourself or couples could possibly help. I think that if you are in another country than that other woman that would make it easy to stay away from her. I imagine it would take a long time for thoughts and longings to fade. Maybe they never will.

At the very least if you went with this other woman you could just keep her separated from your son, if you can honestly evaluate and determine whether she is bad for him. I don't know really what you should do of course. I am tempted to say that if things are only a physical desire difference then you sacrifice and you make this marriage work.

I am trying to say that this is a rough decision, and only through some soul searching can you decide what will bring you peace. I know what I value, but having suffered with depression I don't wish that on anyone else. To address your other question, I think all sorts of physical sensations can come along with anxiety and pain and tough decision. I hope you can have peace with whatever path is best for your son. ☮️

[confusedexpat in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you very much for those words.

Just to elucidate, this was not just physical, she made me actually laugh and feel alive and happy and singing in the street and making fun things. I am also a very family man, that's why putting myself first seems like a really strange thing to do, and my core values align of course with the well being of my son, and I still cherish my wife of course, so I want the best for her, which with current situation I am the one that's capable of giving it in the short term, since she is living in a tiny 1bedroom apartment with mold with my son.

So, there's the added responsibility that I have the power to give both of them better conditions since I have a good job.

I don't think I could ever let this feelings of longing and thoughts, and the terrible thought of "I did not try!" And my son, someday will go with his life, and me... well.. I'm afraid I might end up with a contempt life and a lot of regrets...

On the other side, I could go, fight for my happiness, try to help my kid as much as possible and hope that the dust settles, and they struggle for a while, but at least I am showing my son that we should fight for what makes us happy, and hope that one day he forgives me. I am just tired of feeling like this and I am afraid of what this sensation of stress where the body is releasing everything it can will take a toll on me.. I don't wish this feelings on anyone!

[Hest321]

I’m sorry you are having a hard time. I have had to remind myself of this fact many times but there are “weeds in every garden”. New relationships are exciting and different and stimulating but on down the road…there will be conflicts and disagreements. Learning to compromise and work through those times is and will be a challenge (as long as both parties are willing). Bottom line, at least I know of the weeds in my garden (with husband of 25 years). The choice is of course yours. I start out my day being grateful for what I have and all my husband does do for our family and relationship…. I had to look at the big picture and that is “better with, or without”…… Best of luck to you in navigating through your feelings and priorities. Life is not easy but there is joy in every day, even in the things that we do already have… I certainly don’t know what’s right for you I just know what works for me. ☮️

[confusedexpat in reply to Hest321]

Thank you very much, yes, definitely is a lot on what you value the most, in my particular case after 17 years with a cheating curriculum that i am not proud of now, it will be really hard to keep the peace at home if we ever get back together and that scares the hell out of me, because i can take (and I deserve) everything she can have to throw at me...

[Sunrisetabby]

I recommend a lot of Ellen Langer's writing on the mind body connection, although this 50 second video of an interview she did on the Rich Roll podcast sums it up pretty well: youtu.be/_bctmXiPsSU?featur...(Not working as expected?)

“Rather than waste your time being stressed over making the right decision, make the decision right.”

[confusedexpat in reply to Sunrisetabby]

Thank you, I am usually a very practical guy and impulsive even (that's what got me in so many problems) but on this case, with the future of my 6 years old on the line, I have to stop and actually do some thinking 😅. But I liked her approach and will definitely search for more! thank you!