Struggling to help my depressed and anxious adult son

[Bklynsue]

My lovely son has suffered from depression for many years. Iam a single parent and my son is 42. He ended up living with me for the last 4 years and it has been a very stressful experience. He is hyper focused on me and looks to me to calm him, reassure him, and to always know the right thing to say in the right tone of voice and at the exact right time and has become verbally explosive and hurls insults when he doesn't get what he needs (there are a lot of rules that only he knows). He blames me for worsening his condition because I can't meet his needs.

[LoveforAll41]

Howdy Bklynsue, I am sorry that you are in this tough situation. As someone who has thought about moving into my parent's basement and essentially giving up on life I think that you can require some things from your son. He probably won't like it, but sometimes a nudge out of the nest is what is needed. If he has lived and supported himself away from you in the past I would do whatever it takes to get him back out of your home, even if that means paying for some portion of rent in a group home or apartment or something. At a bare minimum I would require him to go to weekly therapy. I think it will be useful for him to see in the long run that you set healthy boundaries and take care of yourself as a caregiver. You gotta put your oxygen mask on first. ☮️

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to LoveforAll41]

along with what loveforall41 has said, I think it’s your duty as a mother and someone willing to care for a child regardless of age, to educate yourself on this as much as you possibly can. Exhaust yourself doing it because you must understand what no one else can, not even the one plagued with this illness. Start with books by Claire Weekes. know what to expect because how we think we help can actually be hurting. This goes for anything and everything we did not want or ask for in life, for ourselves or our loved ones. learn as much as you can, or like loveforall41 said, care less and throw him to the wolves like everyone else does, become intolerable and callous and refuse to truly do what it takes to help a loved one. we all have different struggles. would you like to be abandoned once your dementia sets in or you develop cancer. Know what it is you’re fighting then choose whether or not your willing, able or if your son is worth fighting for. great patience is required, this is not a tummy ache when it’s time for him to go to work, it ruins the joy of life, it takes it away. It’s devastating. like I said it’s not a skinned knee or a spoiled birthday.

and of course he looks to you, you’re all he has. yes it’s stressful I assure you it’s more stressful to him, at least you have a reason for being stressed he has a disorder, he’s sick so act like it. I have no idea where the concept of parents stop being parents comes from because their kids reach an age or develop conditions that bother the parents ease and comfort of life.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I apologize if my message came across as "throw him to the wolves" @litethatnevergoesout, I am not talking about abandoning your son at all @Bklynsue. I think that getting him to therapy will be beneficial for him. I think that if he still has close to functionality where he can do some providing for himself and living on his own from you supporting him in getting there will ultimately help his self-esteem and mood. People are a case by case basis, and where it is obvious that you care for your son as evidenced by him living with you the past 4 years, I wanted to support you in making sure that you are caring for yourself as well.

Depression is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy, and I spend far too much time wishing I was dead. The work to change is incredibly hard, and I think to help us recover we need support in doing hard things, one of them being showing up to therapy or going to work.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to LoveforAll41]

Sorry loveforall41, I associated the wolves comment too directly to what you said. I agree with you, there’s a limit to care we should give or expect from anyone especially our loved ones. there must be active and proactive activities and research and footwork done by the one afflicted, without a doubt. nobody should just leave it to everyone else to remedy the problem. sorry I hastily threw that together I didn’t mean you were suggesting cutting the son loose!

[hypercat54 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I know where you are coming from lite.....x

[hypercat54 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I didn't see the comment from LoveforAll41 to be like this at all lite.

She was being compassionate and suggesting half way measure such as getting him into his own home and helping him out to help him become an adult again.

She can't continue having an adult abusive man in her house as there is always the safety issue. Men never seem to prioritise this side of it whereas women do.

Everyone needs to feel safe and secure in their own home.

I think there is only so far you can go with an adult child too. Once you have brought them up and done your best there has to be a time they leave the nest and start living their own lives.

No one is saying abandon him, but she has to take steps to sort this out, for her sake as well as his.

[hypercat54 in reply to LoveforAll41]

I have to agree with you. Sometimes tough love has to be the answer and the best thing you can do for him.

He cannot continue to be a child, and he certainly can't carry on being abusive either. Are you safe?

[hypercat54]

Have you been here before? This story is familiar as someone else posted something very similar a month or so ago.