help for my 14 year old son

[Oct18]

So, my 14 year old son has struggled with serious depression since he has been able to talk. A quick background....I have had full custody of my 3 kids for over 10 years. My daughter is now in college and I have fraternal twin boys who are now 14 years old and starting high school next week. My son with the depression has always struggled with just about everything in his life. School has always been difficult for him. I started taking him to therapy at age 7. After getting nowhere for about 4 years with different therapists, several different medications, a month stay in the hospital when he was 11 with suicidal thoughts and harming himself, and nobody willing to diagnose him with anything other than depression, we finally saw a doctor who suggested autism due to his rigidity and inability to deal with any disappointments. That was the first sign of hope. Through the recommendation of his doctor, I had my son get in home (ABA) therapy for a year. This was all during the pandemic so the stress of school was taken out of play. He finally showed signs of major improvement, but as soon as he started the 8th grade, his ABA therapy ended and school was back to full time. He slowly slipped back in to his self harming (cutting) and stopped trying in school and his grades were mostly failing grades. I had the same ABA therapist come back over to the house to help him and he did well again. This time it was just a few months and that ended a few months ago. Now, right on cue he is slipping back again. He has a very defeated mentality and nothing seems to help. It's almost like he goes along with the ABA therapy to get people off of his back but deep down, nothing really helps him. I have had endless positive reinforcement talks with him but nothing seems to work. I am at a loss, after 10 years of trying to help him with his outlook on life, he is just as miserable as he was before all of the therapy. He has been taking Wellbutrin 300 mg for a few years and I don't know if it is helping but the list of medications he took before I believe contributed to his suicidal thoughts. He does see his mom every other weekend but he is not very close to her. Another major thing is I was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago. It is not curable but I am currently doing well. I know he is concerned about that but I think he would be just as miserable regardless of my health as he was before my diagnosis.

Anyone out there kids, or parents who can relate and give any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know I can't "fix" this or him, but I have done all I can to put him on a path to learn coping skills and try to deal with his issues and I don't know if anything has really helped.

[primrose81]

So sorry that your son and you are going through all this - I can understand what it must be like for you as our son went through a very dark patch which started when he was 16 and still at school(which he hated just like your son even though he had a circle of good friends). He was put on antidepressants and had to retake the school year as he had missed so much through absence. Then he met a very nice girl also at the same school and she helped him a lot. It was when he went to university a couple of hundred miles away that the real problem emerged as it turned out he had been drinking heavily for some time. With him being an alcoholic everything went downhill with lots of self-harming and 3 suicide attempts. It was a nightmare time and I just felt powerless to help but I am proud to say that after years we have got our son back and he is just such a lovely caring person who would help anyone in need. The one thing I would say to you is do not blame yourself, you have done and are doing your utmost to help. I’m afraid it has to come from him and his being willing to accept help and not resent it, our son just wouldn’t listen to anybody…I do so hope he and his twin brother are close and can talk about things. Does his school have counsellors he can talk to? Really feel for him, I think things are a lot tougher for youngsters these days. Please try not to worry too much, this too will pass and your son is lucky to have such a devoted, loving mum xx

[Oct18 in reply to primrose81]

Thank you! I am sorry for all your son has gone through and am happy he is doing better. I appreciate your kind words. He and his twin brother are polar opposites, but they do talk some. He loves his older sister so her being in college is tough, but she's only a few hours away and we see her about every 3 or 4 weekends. I know it's a common assumption, but I'm his dad

[primrose81 in reply to Oct18]

Oops sorry about that…..

[Oct18 in reply to primrose81]

no worries, thank you!

[Midori]

I wonder if Horse Therapy could boost him at all?

He could be being bullied in school, so something non-threatening might work to give him some confidence. It certainly worked for my son.

Cheers, Midori

[Oct18 in reply to Midori]

I’ll look into that. Thank you!!

[Hidden]

I bet he would benefit from some for of partner or companion. Seems like he's entirely able to do things he just lacks the willpower. Doing something with someone else is easier than taking the initiative.