Help with my son

[topaz1968]

Hi - I do suffer from anxiety myself, but my 17 year old son has anxiety and OCD. His biggest fear is getting sick. He is a hypochondriac and coincidentally just got over a cold. He is still getting over it. Today, he went to school and accidentally drank from someone else's water bottle. He does not know whose it was. He picked it up thinking it was his. Now he is freaking out and texting me that he is scared he will get sick again and he does not know how he could be so stupid to do this. I am trying to calm him down, but it is not working. I texted his therapist and she told me to try not to keep reassuring him. I am freaking out right now because I feel so bad for him. Any suggestions?

[PrimoB]

I’m sorry this is happening to you and your son. Does he take anything like Vitamin C or Emergen-c? They do boost the immune system and it might help with this worry a little. I take it in the fall/winter when my kids are sick and it helps me fight things off much quicker or not get it at all. I hope you find something that helps him!

[topaz1968 in reply to PrimoB]

Thanks so much. Yes, he takes Airborne and another immunity booster. I will give him a bit more today when he gets home

[Calm_mama]

Hi Topaz1968,

We are around the same age, with kids the same age, and my oldest was in the same boat with severe somatic and health anxiety (and generalized, and social etc but health anxiety was #1 issue). 1-1/2 years later and lots lots lots of therapy and an SSRI, and she is doing really well! I know exactly where you are and my heart goes out to you. You must believe me when I tell you that this can be a gift in disguise for both your son and for you. I will share with you the things we did (and are still doing) that are so helpful, and perhaps they can be helpful to you.

Intensive therapy - 15 hours a week for a couple of months. Then tapered down to once a week and a support group, which she continues. Someone can get intensive therapy with an IOP (Intensive outpatient program) or PHP (partial hospitalization program) or fashion it piecemeal through several forms of therapy ie a DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) or CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) class or support group + Art therapy + regular therapy + a lifecoach + psychiatrist etc etc. If doing it the last way, it's ideal that all the therapists are communicating so as not to be contradicting one another or giving conflicting advice. Your son may be just fine with weekly therapy with one person. I just know for my daughter, we needed more.

Next, I started working on my anxiety. I have super-anxiety, and I'd gotten a little help here and there, but I was nowhere that I needed to be. When things were at their toughest with my daughter, I was having a gigantic nervous breakdown right beside her (and hid it as best I could), and what good could I be to her if I was such a frazzled mess? . In the process of all of learning as much as I could for her, I learned so much about anxiety and how to recover myself. Along the way, my ability to help and support her has turned 180 degrees. I was making her worse with my anxiety-based reactions and the things I was saying and doing. I no longer do those things.

If you check out the resources I have on my profile, this is what helped me to help her the most. Some of it my daughter would read/watch but mostly I just channeled the info to her. My demeanor, temperament and language all totally changed once I started to get it down. If you listen to Claire Weekes' audio and read her book (it took me multiple, multiple times listening and reading to really get it), your language will change too. If my daughter texted from school having a panic attack, say about something like the water bottle (oh I have a million of those texts from the past!) I would previously say things like, "It's just someone's water bottle! There's nothing for you to be afraid of honey. Are you really scared? Do you need to go to the nurse's station? Should I pick you up?" Her anxiety and my anxiety ran the show side by side. Not good. Now, if she's anxious about something, let's say the water, my response is, "Oh... and?" (this minimizes the issue without being dismissive) If she persists, the response is something like, "Wow your anxiety is wide awake today, huh?" or, "Your super-anxiety is giving you some interesting messages there." or "Your anxiety is amazing. Always looking out for you. Did your anxiety get it right this time or did it make a mistake?" All very calm, some delays between texts- sometimes many minutes. Sometimes I ignore her texts completely. Sometimes I'll just say, "Honey come on you're a pro at this. You got this." You will see that I refer to her anxiety as a specific entity that is separate from her. That's deliberate. It helps remind her that it is, in fact, very separate from her and she has the ability to ignore her twitchy anxiety whenever she wants. She's mostly got all this down on her own and there are only rare texts/calls from school, but she does have some setbacks. Setbacks are our friend, and I remind her of that if needed. More opportunity to practice the correct response to all the absurd messages that anxiety tries to give us. Mostly I am just really calm. Because I am just really calm now, but also because calm helps her so much. BTW my husband is naturally calm. He doesn't quite get al this but that's OK. He is a calm, grounded force in our house and that is hugely helpful

I have opened up to other parents. I was quiet for awhile, not wanting to betray my child's private life. But as she's gotten more open about her anxiety, I have become more open about my anxiety, and hers as well. This has been soo helpful. I'd say almost a half of the parents I've randomly talked with are dealing with similar issues with their children or other loved ones (or themselves!) And we all keep it quiet... it's so much better to be open and be able to support one another. And share resources!

One more thing I did/still do- Anytime I see and article or piece on a celebrity or high profile person with anxiety/panic I send it to my daughter. There are so many awesome, interesting, high profile people who are open about their issues these days! My daughter likes rap (amongst other type of music ), and there's a musician who is ALL out there publicly with his anxiety (Logic). Lots of 4 letter words in his songs- be forewarned!

Do feel free to PM me. From one mama to another, big hugs!

[topaz1968 in reply to Calm_mama]

Wow - thanks so much for all your insight. I would definitely like to stay in touch with you because our lives are so parallel. My son does see a therapist once a week and I do really like her. Today she really had a tough session with him. She did it purposely because she thinks he should be further along than he is, since he has been with her for about 9 months. Not sure if I think that is accurate, as I do think he has improved a lot. Unfortunately, we cannot afford to see her more than once a week. We both really like her and don't want to switch at this point. As for the reassurance, the therapist tells me all the time to just answer the texts like you do. It is so hard. But, I am getting there For the most part, lately, it has been good until today. It was a definite setback. He is also on a couple medications. It is sometimes hard to tell how much they do work. Because he is a singer, his biggest fear is getting sick with a sore throat. That is kind of how this all started. I have anxiety, but try to remain as calm as possible with him. He is my only child, which I think happened for this very reason. My husband is not as aware of his issues as he should be (but that is another story I will definitely message you if you don't mind. Again, I appreciate all your great advice and for sharing your story.

[dore13]

When I was younger, I had this issue. I was terrified of getting sick. I didn't leave the house for a year. It got to the point where any little symptom sent me into a panic attack so bad, I'd end up hyperventilating on the floor. I finally decided this wasn't living, and I got a book called," Don't Panic". When I started reading it I thought it was stupid, I thought how can do these things, when I feel like I'm dying. Slowly but surely I kept it up, stopped the panic attacks, and just stopped being afraid of getting sick. I don't know why this worked for me but everyone is different. I just accepted the fact sometimes in life, I'd get sick, and no amount of fear, or panic was going to change that.

[topaz1968 in reply to dore13]

Thanks so much for your reply. That must have been horrible for you. I will definitely look into the book for my son.