I have one child.....42 years old and he lives a few hours away. He lost his marriage, his 20 year old child won't talk to him and he refuses to see that his alcoholism was a driving force. He lives in his car, he's on probation from his domestic arrest a year ago. He calls crying about not having food...I send money and he buys beer. He stayed here for four days and drank continuously after we asked him not to. He did all kinds of crazy things while here and continuously told lies.
I am all to pieces and don't know how I can deal with this. I am so anxious and depressed and he says he might just "end it all" because there's no life left for him He looks like he is ill... he is having health problems what can I do?
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We had similar problems, in that Dad was alcoholic and the only thing that helped him was first AA and then going to centre for recovering alcoholic and then trip abroad to religious place. You would find out from your Doctor more about the support out there but there is something that can be done
It's heartbreaking when you see a loved one battle drugs and alcohol....your helpless and can do nothing really. It's a lifelong battle that can only be fought by the person who is afflicted. When you are fully active in your addiction to alcohol or drugs.... sadly.... as much as that person says they want to stop... until they make the choice to do so, it's not a very good outcome, and that's where you need to get help in coping with this train wreck in slow motion. There are groups called Al-Anon...they teach you tough love, letting go, how to stop enabling, and all that stuff....therapy for yourself and family is another option.
But interventions rarely work. Don't blame your self...no shoulda's coulda's woulda's.... most family members do look for something they may have not done or could they have nipped this in the bud...the simple answer is 'No'. And even if your son got sober....the damage is often irreparable to relationships. And that in itself is why many continued to abuse, they saw no reason to stop...nothing was going to change in their minds..... But that simply is not true.... life can begin...acceptance, one day at a time... make amends where you can, and let go where you can't. Blame and shame and guilt are the toxic trio in recovery.
I'm sorry about that. I know it hurts because you are his mother. It's difficult to watch your own child no matter how old your child is...it's still hard. You always wanted the best for your child. Somewhere along the way, he started to think and act for himself. I don't know what he went through that caused him to turn to alcohol.
You have done your very best with him. The only thing really is for him to hit rock bottom. He broke his promise. And you can't help him with money or even shelter. Unless he goes into rehab. Which is what he needs because if he's been an alcoholic for a long time, it's dangerous to just quit cold turkey. He needs to be in a medical facility. Perhaps there's a center for mental health in your area that you can take him to.
He still very much in denial about his life choices. It's still everyone else's fault. Because they think they act fine when they are drunk. They don't see the aggressive behavior, stupid hurtful things that they said and embarrassing behavior.
I have had alcoholics in my family so I understand. It's sad to watch it and watch them cause harm to themselves and can't do anything about it.
I'm so sad for you. And I know the dreadful feelings of your situation. I have a son who is 44 and an addict. I have over the years tried to help him and it is hard to watch your child (because when you look at them you can still see that baby you had not so long ago) struggle with addiction. I have spent 1,000s of dollars and more than that nights when I couldn't sleep worrying about him.
He has been in and out of rehab's, hospitals, and group homes. Just when I think it's going to be alright he's right back into it again, Sadly the only thing we can do is stop trying to help. And that is the hardest thing in the world to do. I have a difficult time saying no to him.
He was just recently released from the hospital and I allowed him to stay with me for 1 week. I told him I have to have boundaries. He had stayed before and got so wasted he upset my neighbors and I was afraid to sleep for fear he would set the place on fire after he zonked out while smoking and burned a blanket he was using.
He is also on probation and is now staying at a homeless shelter in another city because the one in my city would not allow him to come back. I pray for you, your son, my son, and anyone else who is in this situation. People can say just stop enabling them but that is easier said than done. I really hope things turn around for your son. You can message me anytime you want to I am here for you!
I have an alcoholic brother. He has had a hard life, overwhelmingly by his own hand. If you saw me standing next to him, you would think he was my father.
You cannot love this disease out of him any more than you can love a tumor away. Someone with a tumor has to recognize he is sick and is helpless to fight it on his own and then seek professional help. So it is with addiction.
The old cliche about admitting you have a problem being half the battle really is true.
Until he does, there is nothinganyone can do but pray, and pray hard.
On that note, what is his name? My brother's name is George...
There is very little you can do for him as giving him money will allow him to continue to drink. There is only one way you can help him, and that is to give him food, not money, as you know he will only get alcohol. Make sure it is prepared food, as I have known folk to sell packages of ingredients to get cash for booze.
He has to want to do this for himself in order to get 'dry', and giving money or things they can sell is feeding the habit, unfortunately. Until he can make the decision for himself, and mean it, he can't be helped.
My husband was alcoholic and also diabetic. He was a violent drunk, so I took the kids and left, telling him I would not return until he completed an alcoholic's course, and that if he reneged, I would be off again like a scalded cat taking the children with me.
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