Hello all...I decided to join this forum in the hopes someone may have insight or advise to share. I have a sweet, kind hearted, intelligent 26yo son. Since graduating high school, he has become more and more withdrawn, gained a significant amount of weight, and rarely seems his former happy self. We recently moved in together due to new job opportunities in a new location. Now I observe his daily alcohol consumption (pint of whiskey)and marijuana vaping. I’m not sure if he uses because of depression or is the depression due to the chemical abuse. I’ve tried talking to him, offering help, therapy, anything. He will not talk to me about it and become angry and frustrated with me. I know he’s hurting but I’m at a loss as to what to do to help.
He’s able to get to work everyday but then spends the rest of his free time drinking/vaping in his room while gaming or watching TV.
My heart is breaking. Has anyone dealt with this? Any insight or advise? Please and thank you.
I’m hurting everyday. My heart is broken.
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Shellarina65
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Your son sounds like me. Being young these days sucks because everything is more expensive than ever and older people make fun of young people because its hard to afford what was once so achievable just 20 years ago... So yeah, your sons probably depressed and trying to figure out how the heck hes going to get his own life started on his own two feet and on his own terms. If he is anything like me, just knowing that you don't judge him is going to help. Living with mom can kind of make you feel like you're a failure, but thats societal crap. Have him listen to Gary Vaynerchuk, who encourages people of all ages to move with roomates or back home because you get freedom to figure out what you want to do. Thats honestly about all you can do. Don't offer too much by the way of financial support beyond shelter/food. Anything he can do to help you out (washing dishes, laundry, cleaning up after the dog, etc.), expect that he does it and hold him accountable. Marijuana is not really an addictive drug in the way that some pills or meth is addictive, but its really the escape and relaxation people crave that makes them do it day after day. Who doesn't want to escape, right? Anyway, aside from shelter/food and gentle nudges of encouragement, you can't really do anything to help a 26 year old man. Don't baby him as you'll only make things worse. When hes ready, he'll find his way. Trust me, he doesn't want you worrying about him and what he is going through is probably normal angst. Who knows he could have experienced a break up or something you don't know about.
Your son is clearly hurting inside. He may be suffering from depression which is a serious disease. He may benefit by seeing a Therapist and Psychiatrist to assess his mental well-being. If he is battling mental illness, he should seek help as it can progress and worsen. Alot of depressed people use self-medicating practices or abuse substances to alleviate the pain. (Myself Included) not anymore thank goodness! He should talk with someone who understands. Where he can bring up things that are bothering him and discuss things maybe he would like to change in his life. If he's using on a daily basis recreational drugs, that's not a good sign. It's very good that he has your close support and that will help him through along with professional support.😊
I'm not 100% sure. Stigmatism, shame, fear, the cost...he really won't even talk with me about it. I need to work on how and when I approach the subject, the words I use. It's such a delicate conversation. I never want him to feel judged, just loved unconditionally.
One thing I’ve found to be true in my counseling practice is that people often clam up and get defensive when they hear the word “why”. I get better results when I say “what causes...” instead.
It seems like he's really struggling. Do you have any friends that have possibly gone through what he's going through? Talking to someone can be really scary, but if it's someone that he trusts and someone that can empathize with him could help. You're doing great; you clearly care for him so much.
I was out of control. Depression and substance abuse will rob you of everything that is good in life, and doesn't leave much of a path for a good future. I decided after i lost so much, got tired of having nothing after a long time that i realised i needed some help. Your son may have not reached this low point yet. Sadly, my parents, which one also conquered addiction, knew i needed help and saw how i was suffering. they did all they could. They knew i was an adult and it was up to me to make the right decisions. It's incredibly hard when a family member is stricken with these problems. I got help, with therapy. Sometimes meds can help. As for the Substance Abuse, i attend group meetings and accept that I'm flawed and need support for my problems. It's the responsible and Adult thing to do. Lifestyle changes are necessary to keep you on the right path. Mental illness and addiction is something , sometimes you live with for life, but can be managed.He has to Commit to getting better and accepting that. You cant live his life for him. Unfortunately, family members will experience the pain also as they see loved ones spiral down. There are meetings also for family members of addiction who can also to attend. There is Al-anon and Narc-anon.
Well, when you are depressed, you look for some way to cope. Unfortunately, the most common ways are with alcohol and drugs. Personally, I do not believe that marijuana is a bad thing. In my state, it’s used for medical purposes and I’m actually getting a marijuana card. Depending on what strain the marijuana is, can actually help depression. But alcohol on the other hand, does make depression worse. You start to drink because you are depressed, then turns into a habit, and then used as a coping mechanism. Leading to more depression. And most people who have an alcoholic coping mechanism, do get very angry very easily.
I know it’s hard seeing someone you love with all your heart, turn into someone you don’t recognize. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, they don’t get the help they need until they’ve hit rock bottom AND realize how they are coping is only making things worse.
I don’t think there is much you can do for him at the moment. He wants to do what he wants to do. My heart goes out to both of you.
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