I NEED HELP

[Nouhe]

My physical appearance feels like it needs work, my mental ahealtg and thought process has hit itself and crashes, self harm helps me numb my emotions, i know all this i know running away or cutting myself wont change anything yet... its my parents, i wished they would try to listen atleast a bit, just because you provide me food water and shelter doesnt make me happy im a human afterall i also deserve love and care not everyone is the same, maybe you were stronger in your days, but me? Im different i might be more sensyive than you i cant do the things you mightve done yet i was still trying and you failed to appreciate that and kept wanting more, you have broken and destroyed a lot of things that were important to me, you have cursed at me many more times, spoken bad and hateful words at me and yet you still ask "why dont you love me? We gave you everything you asked for" even when you beat me, and threaten me, when you failed to understand and felt like judging and oppinionising wouldve improved me, when you thought i had to always be under your wings when i what i truly wanted was to fly and shine, when your fears let to my downfall but i silently accepted it all because in my head i kept telling myself "its all because your doing it for my good you actually mean no harm and ofc these are things i should also cooperate on and work with" but that just made me grow distant from you, and sooner i lost my love and wanted to runaway first i pushed away my dad i felt horrific inside when i was alone in his prescense i felt like i might be attacked anytime in anyway(even raped) so i felt like i needed someone elses presence by my side wether if it was my mother or my brother. You always critized my likes and failed to see the good in me "redeemed me as someone who is heartless and undeserved of love" and yet despite of your words you always complained "you dont love me anymore, i used to take care of you when you were a baby" but father i dont remeber for these things and i beleive it is a parents duty to take care of a child who even havnet opened her eyes.. and moreover you had always made me hate you its not just phyisical love like (kisses and hugs) that define the term love yet you would push yourself onto me (i hated it) i know you mean no harm but i felt like if you knew what was personal space that mightve helped a little, but what made me push you away was none other than your narrow mindness. I wished i was seen in a better way in your eyes and you saw the good in me, your always arguing with my mother and soonly i was raised to see abuse(on my mother and me) which i think made me loose my respect for you the most. I am truky ashamed to say i feel unsafe with my father, i might be the worst daughter to say that but thats what i feel. For my mother she had always played the game where she remains the victim, even when she lost her child in 4th month pregnancy she blamed me and said i was the reaskn when i hadnt done anything to actually harm the baby i tried my best to help you out instead, but when you pointed tour fingers at me it broke me and i swore i will never grow up to be a woman like you for my children, you again made me feel judged and miserable about myself (im short, i dont look good, im fat) hey thanks for letting me know but i think there are better way to word it rather than scream and shout "how did i even give birth to an ugly creater like you" when in my 10th grade you destroyed my ipad, my art work, and story, would lock me up and beat me just because i scored less, even the teachers said i had improved my base was lretty bad for subjects(i dont blame you) but even without a base i scored 67/80 in my sc in the hardest exams and you still wernt satisfied and kept repeating the tortures everyday until it scared my body and had people ask me every where i go "what happened to your hands?" Just to say oh' yeah me and my brother just fought.. were the times i truly wanted to runaway from this place that you call home.. i wished i wished so much i could my school became a place where i felt the most peace at.. the more farther away i was from you the more happier i felt, i wanted to speak out to someone but i feared because if word was to reach your ears then you would defintky misjudge and hurt me even more, i know i know i know you yourself also had so much stress, and your issues that you dont share, i know your worling hard for my future, i know all you want is good for me, but mother " what is the good you actually think is good for me?" Ive been curious 'money?' 'Kids?' 'Husband?' 'Marraige?' Have you ever had the mind to ask " what is your desires? My fears? Am i okay? How am i feeling?" But you always just judged "oh yes she should be happy because she has good clothes to wear she lives in a house eats good food what else? Peole in africa are suffering but she gets everything so she shld be happy" but to me thats differnet afterall im human and i deserve some smypathy privacy and love, ive grown im not a little child on her cradle anymore, im grateful for the things youve done, yet it was always you that has let me down and you still ask me "why" i dont know how to tell you because in the end you beleive you are the victim and me? "Im just some demon or devil that causes you pain" if i tried answering your questions just as in my thoughts you would play victim there again "so your saying its my fault? I shldnt have given birth to you, how can you say that when im the one feeding you and your brother" makes me want to grow distant from you more.. i wished i could speak out the things i wrote in here but ik the day will never come... and your actions had led me suffer the more, i became more hideaous because i feared what if you take away even that little happines of mine to teach me a lesson.. but that sort od just got me into bigger troubled becayse i wasnt even 13 when i became a victim of cyber bullying and other horrific things, but now ive outgrown them and learned a bit from my mistakes and wish to grow, i want to grow out from this conservatism im jailed into, i dont think i belong here but your fears were always the ones the created the bars of my jail where ive just suffered more.. and my trouble is just how do i deal with this? Ive tried talking over but again the argue back with " we provide you with everything and this is what you say" even though ive become a victim of self harm and always critisized myself because you failed to teach me to love myself and had to pick it up from someone else on how i wish i could freely comminicate when i see others around talking so proudly of ones family..

Side note***

I really wasnt expecting any reply, or anything from anyone, i just wrote whatever came to my mind i wasnt really concerned about grammar or if what i wrote made sense, i just flooded all my emotions out, all those agony and pain that reminded me of uneventful things which i wish to forget.. but im happy to know there are people who are here to support, and there are people whove also become great warriors from their own worries and i know im not alone at this.!!

There are 2 things i would like to clear out

1) you might ask why i hadnt seeked help? Maybe tell a friend? Or anyone close to me

I do not live in a countey where things like abuse/ trauma/ mental health are part of society, if i told my mom i wanted to go to a therapist she will certainly assume "people who go to a therapist has some physiological issues, or some serious health conditions" again i cannot go alone too because i do not posses any sort of individualisyic power in my house, and yes these aernt any of my assumptions she has actually said that. And ofcourse i could run to my friends but i was too embarrassed to tell it out to anyone, i didnt want people seeing me different and giving me the pity looks, my school/ Uni became a place where i had freedom even if it was little i didnt want my problems to take that away too.. this is the reason why i chose an online platform, i just wanted to dump all these things somewhere and felt this was the safer option away from my parents or from my friends knowing.

2nd is im 18+ i can just runaway... and live on my own, why dont i do that?

Certainly yes i can do that, but i have a dream, i want to be educated have a job, i do not want to rot my life even more, doing part time/ full time jobs as a runaway would only give me a small source.of income.. it might be enough to live but is that what i want?.. im just throwing myself into an even deeper pit than i am already in, i wanted a job, im currently doing my major and my parenst pay the fee for it, if i was to argue or runaway they will threaten me with my education, and i cant afford to sacrifice something that big right now.

I havnet wrote everything that happened to me in here, there were recent unfortunate events that occured and made me want to suicide.. these thoughts prevailed in me since young but i always pushed them away as it does no good for me.. but this time things were different i couldnt i really couldnt i needed help i need someone i cant, it hurted me so bad.. when i really decide to end things for once and all i knew deep in my heart, this isnt what i wanted and i am doing the things ive always promised myself to not, i pitied myself.. even when i had the knife up against my wrists.. i knew thinsg wont change nothing is going to change thisnis permanent i couldnt anymore... i really didnt want to become the things i hated but if this will save me then i will became my thoughts but i wonder what changed me the very moment, i decided to write a small letter.. somehwere, somehwere where my parents wont find.. and that platform became this.. as you might read what i wrote.. it certainly doesnt sound like a suicide note but things ive written that couldve been done better i did this so that if my end would change smth and thwy would realize but as i wrote the more calmer i became, and i became focusednon writting and getting my point through... and eventually my feelinsg to suicide fadded... and im thankful i did at the moment.. you could say ut saved me in a way.. im currently working on myself.. in feeling much better and stronger!! I pray we all get it through. Thankyou

[Sugaree]

welcome Nouhe. This is a safe place to talk about childhood trauma. My parents were abusive as long as I can remember. I try not to look back. My father talked inappropriately about sexual things to me. I was very uncomfortable with him. I have repressed memories from 11 to 14. I eloped just not to have him give me away or have to dance with him. I turned to self harming as a teenager. I am so sorry to hear that your home life is so difficult. I really do understand,even the feeling ugly part. My mother started coloring my hair at age 10. She said it was the color of sh##t.

[Nouhe in reply to Sugaree]

First of all, Im impressed on how much you endured, it shows your strong resilience... i may not understand or feel what you went through and how much it hurted or affected you but I Can Tell you that, ive also been there.. i havnet spoken of everything that has happened in my life because im still ashamed of it myself, and i was too scared.. im still processing it all and trying to find a better way... I pray and wish both of us good strength and mental fortitude ahead life

[hypercat54]

As you must be at least 18 to be on this site then you are an adult. Is there a reason you can't leave home?

[Nouhe in reply to hypercat54]

Yes, i come from an average family.. i do not have any source of income for me to live alone currently, these were my troubles for past few years i tbh with never bothered with what happened to me because i thought "it was normal" and lived surpressing it, but that just made me worse, and recent activities that happened put me in an even tougher situation... and i knew these things "werent normal anymore" thats when i started to reach out, as it is the only way i can channel my negative emotions out of my mind... i wanted to stop hurting myself.

[AkrasiaRage13]

Hi there hun.As a survivor of very similar parents, I promise you can overcome even this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger - always remember that! You can become a strong and resilient human in spite of them- yes, it will take a lot of work to.undo some of that toxic negativity you've been living in but it can be done as long as you never give up!

I know it can be hard to trust people when you're not used to it but please know people out there want to support you in healing. We can't always do it on out own and you more than deserve to have as many people on your team as possible possible.

[Nouhe]

I am trying my best.. and will do so, i am appreciative to hear from you, i wasnt actually expecting any reply from my message/note, personally i just wanted to let out these emotions, i couldnt hold it up anymore and i felt like if i kept it loonger something worse might happen and wrote it down on this website.. thankyou for your support!!