Good morning a newbie here and suffering badly to cope.

[jonnylongton]

Hello all, i hope everyone is well. Ive posted on Health Unlocked before but about a different symptom.

Ive been depressed now for a long time because ive gone through a lot in the past, but just recently i lost my long time partner as i found out she had been messing about on the internet with other men, she left as she found it more interesting. All throughout the relationship ive had nothing but stress and her being funny over the least thing. Only thing is when we met i was flattered and found myself very attracted to her and became attached and fell in love quickly, which i have still kept up since day 1, where as she has messed me about, been very unreasonable, pleases herself what she does and when she does it, yet if im 10 mins late from shopping i got the third degree. I got talking on another forum and they mentioned she could be narcissistic i did some research and it very much looks that way. I want to break the bond as i know i would be better off, but i havent done nothing wrong and cant live with the fact ive been used and abused for years, i just put it down to her moods, now i know why i never got much love or complement like i gave her every day. Ive put 110% in , and its killing me not knowing why shes gone every day i open my eyes straight away its there. What makes things worse is ive just been diagnosed with an illness called "Myasthenia Gravis" i have the generalised one which incudes every ailment, not long got it and coming to terms with that is hard enough, ive been housebound since , and now this. I just dont know how to cope and deal with life. I live alone, have no family as they all passed away all very quickly within a short time , my nan, mum, dad and younger brother, i felt my life was not worth living then, i have one daughter who i dont see a lot as she is poorly as well, so im isolated and finding it hard to get away from these demons. Ive had people say to start loving myself but dont know how to, but i know how to love others.. With all the other illness i suffer sometimes i feel i would be better off not here and being a burden. I dont have any proper councilling apart from paying mind to have a hour a week. I just have nothing , lost all interest in everything, and too panicky to even pick the phone up sometimes

Have any of you lovely kind people any thoughts of how i can get through this and get this lady out of my mind as i know she has messed about before and know she wont stop and i cant handle it no more, specially when ive done everything for her, even neglected my daughter as to spend time with her and she was the only person i looked forward to seeing and now shes gone. Even when i nearly died she never even phoned to see how i was all week , then i was bed ridden all week she kept away and my daughter and son in law had to come and look after me, but i wanted her. It feels like my heart is being ripped out and im being tortured every day with emotional and physical pain 24/7 .

Sorry for the long vague post but im in a state already and soon wont be able to function properly because of it.

Please if you could give a few tips what i could do i would be eternally grateful

Thank you for reading and i hope you all stay safe and take care x

[Hidden]

Hi and welcome among friends! I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. It sounds like you are grieving. I am truly sorry that she treated you that way. Unfortunately for those grieving, it does not matter how they treated us; we still go through the grieving process. Grief is not just about emotions we go through after someone dies. It encompasses loss of any kind. Examples are losing a friend or a relationship. I am grieving as well -- my deceased mom and the loss of a friendship with someone who is still here. Grief is HARD. Please be gentle, kind, and patient with yourself. Allow yourself to go through all emotions you might have. Grief takes as long as it takes.

If it might help, I invite you to read my latest post on controlling ruminating thoughts.

Welcome again!

[jonnylongton in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so very much Norw. I know im grieving and have to give it time, but its hurting so much because i cannot get over the lies and the fact she wont give me a proper reason why she wont come back. I swear ive done nothing but good for her, ok we all have the odd little moan specially when in so much pain, but she always would be so moody when tired, hungry, just got up, i barely couldnt talk to her i got told in uncertain ways to give her chance to wake up, so i had to go sit in the other room till she was ready, but if i went tired and a bit niggly id never hear the end of it and im on so many opiates and have so many illness's that it does make you tired, but she wouldnt understand that and always accuse me on going in a mood. This is why up uptil a week ago she was still telling me she loves me so very much but just needs a bit of time, shes already been away from me for a month what would she need so much time for. My stomach is in knots head in turmoil as to why my life has just been totally shattered. I will try your tips on which i am very grateful, thank you again. Take care my dear friend

[Hidden in reply to jonnylongton]

I understand your feelings all too well. It hurts like HELL. And then not being given an explanation makes it that much worse.You are most welcome!

[jonnylongton in reply to Hidden]

thank you so much Norw. It is hurting worse than hell. i just dont know what to do or which way to turn, my head is so close to bursting point. Thank you for going to the trouble of helping me get through each day i can say at this moment it is only the replies from kind people as yourself and on here that is keeping me from doing myself harm or worse. All my kindest regards Jon . stay safe and please take care

[Hidden in reply to jonnylongton]

I really needed to hear this! Thank you so much! Mine's about to burst as well. Tell you what: I promise to not let mine burst if you promise not to let yours burst.

[Nanii]

Hi,

I'm sorry, I'm not in a supercommunicative state right now to say superuseful hitting the spot things. I just want to say I read it, I feel sorry for what you've been through and want to give a hug. So: *long-distant-hug*

For the rest I agree with what Norw said and maybe try to (learn to) see your off better without her along the grievingprocess.

[jonnylongton in reply to Nanii]

Thank you Nanii, especially for the lovely post and going to so much trouble feeling how you do, and theres nothing more than a great big hug id want right now, that is if you wouldnt mind a man blubbering on your shoulder. This is truly ripping me apart, i know i will be better off without her, my head always tells me that, but i just cant break the bond i have, its like a strong magnet pulling me back. Also she always says she would never leave me and for some unknown reason she has and is chatting men up and asking for dates etc, because unknowingly she added someone she took a liking to and it was someone i knew and he screen shotted what she was writing, so i text and gently asked her if she was chatting up any men and she strongly denied it and said who can i when i love you , and at the same time on messenger she was sending him messaged, how can someone be so cruel and heartless knowing ive just not long got out of hospital and been diagnosed with such a serious illness where stress and kill you. i just cant get the thought out of my head. I hope you understand. Once again many thanks for going to all the trouble of writing. Stay safe x

[Nanii in reply to jonnylongton]

Well, clothes can be cleaned

But your stance in this situation is a bit worrysome to me. I read your other reactions. It's not like I don't understand your pain at all. Your alone, sick, difficult to find outlets and distractions, so you keep holding on that thing which for your feeling gave lightness, seeing (being afraid) of the darkness ahead without it. But you know, I will keep that following from my own perspective and experience and not filling things further in for you and maybe it helps.

I'm socially a bit different and very strict. I have been in mentally abusive relationships, but if it comes down to infidelity, I'm done really quick. I prefere to be alone than in a fake relationship. Even if it means to die alone, because I will die with at least a lot less (relationship)headache. Have more space for other things in life and there are a LOT of other things in life. Even going to the forest when I feel like it and enjoy the greenery, smell and wind in the way I feel like it, is one of these "lot of other things". I'm saying this on purpose, because you feel like in your situation you have not so much to aim for. And I guess mostly with "other things to experience", one would think of over the top life things. But these other things can already be found in small things. You know, so instead of arguing for the manieth time over something small, the manieth time you enjoy the wonders of nature. Looking at it like this, I really prefere to be alone, than in a toxic relationship. But: I understand also that once in it, it's so difficult to get out. And your feelings, are simply your feelings. Sometimes what people do to you changes those feelings, sometimes it doesn't matter. So you need to look out for this. Try to not let your own feelings for her guide you more into toxicity-attraction-behavior.

It's very difficult, so it's good you let it out, vent, throw it out. It's good to cry, to release, to process, to grieve.

Concerning the darkness ahead, it could be a phase being in a lightsource and seeing the dark around. Stepping outside the lightsource might be scary and you're not or barely seeing anything, but once outside the lightsource, you discover that you can actually see pretty well once you let your eyes get used to it. Even beter what's around you, because you were blinded by the light-dark contrast. And you can find out there are actually more lightsources. And you also have a light in yourself.

Who knows.. you will even find out that you actually saw things, your feelings, different from what they actually were, and are able to let go of the turmoil inside, finally seeing how it is in acceptance.

[jonnylongton in reply to Nanii]

Thank you so much Nanii, what a really good in depth valuation you have given me, and everything you have said is so true. I know im holding on cause im frightened of being alone, especially now my circumstances have changed in my physical health as well. But like you said what is the use of being in a fake relationship. Its just so hard seeing as ive put 7 yrs of my life into it and to be slung on the slag heap for a newer model hurts after so much ive given. And why be guided to her toxicity -attraction-behaviour, i could be looking for more better smaller things in life that i have missed. i have been blinded by the light , but never thought i had a light of my own, you have really put so much into this Nanii, and ag god is my witness i really appreciate it so much. I am going through so much im still grieving as they call it since being diagnosed with generalised myasthenia gravis, it is such a different kind of illness which kills off your old self and you grieve for the old life back, ive read peoples posts and some have had to have councilling just because of their diagnosis, but ive hit a double whammy at the same time so im grieving twice as much, i hope that makes sense. but im going to copy your reply so i can save and read it to make it give me the strength i need to try and beat this dreadful time im going through Nanii. please stay in touch just to do the odd rain check on me as i have no one else to turn to, and hopefully with your help i will do you and myself proud. Many kind wishes and stay safe and please take care

[Nanii in reply to jonnylongton]

H, sorry for the longawaited reply. Just tosay directly: I'm not on this site for nothing, so I'm really THERE sometimes as you have noticed yourself and then not anymore.

I'm amazed I could've touched you like that, I'm happy you find strength in my words I'm amazed, because you would not (but maybeafter this you can) imagine how my psychologists look at me when I talk about myself. Jawdropping. They should be able to handle stuff right? But even they looi at me shocked in a how-can-you-talk-about-yourself-like-that sense. But in a dreary bare able to move myself out of bed state, I reached you. I was able to reach you and you guinely felt better. I'm just amazed. Mostly people say I think too much and dive too deep in things, but my deepness has been appreciated by you. I hope I really hope you have been doing better sinse this contact. If not,if so,either way, you can talk to me about it.

[jonnylongton in reply to Nanii]

thank you so much Nanii. your words are deep and meaningful. I will write you again when it is not too late as in the Uk now itsd nearly 3.30am and im having another sleepness night, as i do so often even though im very fatigued . thank you so much and hope you feel well in yourself

[Nanii in reply to jonnylongton]

Having lots of thoughts?

[jonnylongton]

Thank you so much Vonus, a lot of people tell me that, and that i will be well rid, but with suffering from other illness's it just makes me feel i am going to be lonely for the rest of my life when in my head i had my life planned with her, and she used to always say i will spend my life with you. It wont sink in, its like im stuck in a nightmare. Yet you are so true in what you are saying. But how do i go about trying to forget her when im housebound and very limited as to what i can do now Vonus to take my mind off her. Thank you once again , take care