Marriage Advice

[GoodGarden]

I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids. A little over a year ago I was laid off from my job. I received a severance and luckily was able to find a job pretty soon thereafter. Unfortunately that job was working for and with awful, horrible people. Racism and sexism were rampant. I left that job after 6 months and started a new job. The pay is less but the job itself is great, good benefits, nice people, flexible. The problem is we’re really struggling to get by and are having to dip into our savings every month. I’ve been so stressed out by all this because long term I don’t know how we can sustain this. My wife works part time teaching two college classes. I’ve spoken to her about exploring more work opportunities and said I am overwhelmed trying to manage it all myself. She said she loves what she does and doesn’t want to anything else. I am so stressed that I’ve had to start taking lexapro and therapy. I feel like I could have a breakdown. Meanwhile my wife sleeps until 9 -10 everyday. Reads, watches tv, scrolls instagram, and shops online all day. I need help because I am crumbling with the weight I carry for our family. I am also paying for her graduate student loans. I love her but the way things are going are causing me so much anxiety and depression. She doesn’t understand why I feel this way. Am I wrong to be upset with her? Am I projecting the stress and anxiety of my job changes on her? I want to feel like we’re in this together but can’t help but feel like we’re each living a different lifestyle. Me being stressed and worried about working to make ends meet and she having a care free life. I have feelings of resentment towards her about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Gingerbreadman1978]

hi after reading your story you sound like all the weight is on your shoulders and the wife is quite happy with the care free life what if the boot was on the other foot then what 🤔I have been married over 20 years and have had the usual financial struggles married couples have normal average working people with the average income but we are a team and you have to work together sit down write all out goings then money coming in explain to her how you feel if not it will just continue and it sounds like it’s making you poorly so sort it before it goes too far

[GoodGarden in reply to Gingerbreadman1978]

Thank you for your advice. I love my wife and our kids endlessly. What I want is more balance and partnership in supporting our family. I told her this during an argument several months ago and she said she isn’t open to looking for new work opportunities. Period. This isn’t what I wanted in a marriage and I don’t feel I am emotionally equipped to have this much responsibility on my shoulders. I fear that I’m left with a choice of choosing my wellbeing and peace vs. living in a state of worry and being alone in caring for our family. I ask myself should I suck it up and deal with it for the sake of my kids or stand up for what will make me feel at peace.

[Gingerbreadman1978 in reply to GoodGarden]

I think you have to weigh your options up if things ain’t going to change then what do you do 🤔think carefully do not rush into anything if you split up it’s more than likely the mum has the kids then you become a week end dad I had that with my first wife it ain’t good financially you won’t be better off either it’s a very hard decision to make just go with your gut but tread carefully good luck 👍

[Astro_potato]

Firstly, finances can be one of the absolute worst stressor for anyone, so please know you are not alone in that. Second, you mentioned you are in therapy. Would it be possible for you guys do try some therapy together? It may be helpful to have a independent third party (therapist) to gently guide the conversation so that you guys can have a meaningful, productive conversation about the division of financial responsibilities. Just a thought. Best wishes to you and your family, and remember, you are always stronger than you realize.

[GoodGarden in reply to Astro_potato]

Thank you. We did couples therapy and talked about it but our Therapist seemed very green. We talked danced around those issues but moved on to other topics and have since paused the couples therapy this summer while the kids are out of school.

[Astro_potato in reply to GoodGarden]

Well, this is a full-time, two-income economy we're living in right now (at least for most of us regular folk). Your partner seems to be in willful denial of this. You have my sincere sympathy; one of the hardest things about my mental health melt-down earlier this year was trying not to lose my job. I'm blessed to have a great boss, great co-workers, and pretty good health insurance, but the stress of knowing that if I lost my job, my family would be financially devastated, was debilitating. It's a sickening feeling, one I'm not sure others can truly appreciate unless they've experienced it. I'm on the downhill side of that battle now, and I know for certain that if I made it, you can too. Hang in there. This community has been a great resource for me, I hope you have the same experience.

[GoodGarden in reply to Astro_potato]

Thanks, I really appreciate the comments. You’re 100% right that it’s a lot of pressure. Glad you’re on the upward trend with your situation. Some difficult conversations are on the horizon with my wife. I sincerely want things to work out but this load I am carrying is taking a toll on me.

[Melly4]

Could you find a time to talk with your wife when the kids aren’t around and you both can give one another your full attention? And then just be very frank but not accusatory about how you are feeling? Based on what you posted, it sounds like finances are a contributing issue to your anxiety. And you can control this. If this was my spouse, I might say “We are having to use some of our savings every month. I am concerned this is not sustainable. Can we discuss places where we can cut back on expenses each month so that we don’t need to do this?” Stay as calm as possible making sure not to choose words that sound like this is her fault. “We are in this together. We are both doing work that we enjoy so let’s discuss how we can continue that and not put our family at risk financially”. If she is resistant, tell her how important this is to your mental well being and ask her to please discuss it with you in a therapy session. Good luck! It sounds like you are doing all the right things to help yourself. At the end of the day, we have no control over how anyone else chooses to be, act or react. Consider trying these things and keep taking good care of yourself! ❤️

[GoodGarden in reply to Melly4]

Thank you, that is very good advice. We’ve had some discussions about our budget and where to cut back and talked about that in couples therapy. It has worked for a while then it falls by the wayside. I will give it a try.

[Midori]

In my opinion, your wife is being selfish, she isn't seeing you carrying all the weight of the relationship.

Consider what would happen to her if something drastic happened to you. I think it's time for a talk with a therapist, also it's time to split your bank accounts, if she is draining it, and take away any credit cards. that have anything to do with any joint account you may have. Give her an allowance. Once it's gone, that's it. She needs to know how much debt she is in danger of creating.

Also remind her of her student debt, and say she needs to take that on herself, she cannot continue to expect you to take on the majority of it all. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP.

She is taking advantage of your good nature and needs some budgeting knowledge. Talk with a Finance expert.

Cheers, Midori