Friend advice

[DMM1188]

I have a friend who is going through Stage 4 cancer (I’ll call him G.) that’s is not quite in remission but close. I have been a very good friend to him and listened to him talk for HOURs about his bowels (TMI) and about people we used to work with he feel wronged him. Many of these people I do agree we’re not kind to him. He has been out of work for years due to cancer and he just will rant and rave and say the same stories about coworkers hr had a grudge about. It should be mentioned he left this job before, said if he came back he’d never let these same people be mean to him again, and then proceeded to let them walk all over him and even verbally abuse him. He also has talked about returning now that the cancer is better, but keeps changing his mind. I’ve been struggling with my new job and off the wall anxiety, and I never get a chance to talk about myself because even when we talk about me he always changed the subject back to him. I’d love to take a break from him but he doesn’t have many friends to confide in. any tips?

p.s we have a friend in common and she agrees with me about his negativity. Another friend of ours had yo tell him to stop contacting her because he was being so negative. It is also through my friend Amanda that I’ve found out things he’s been Lying about(nothing major)

[012703060610]

This is a tough one. First of all, you are a great friend. That is a wonderful thing! As a person with the bad diagnosis and lost everything all at once, I can probably look back early on when all I did was complain. Even I hated hearing myself talk. I think it is sad that your friend may not realize all the negativity. I sure realized all I had was negativity and then I started to shut people out instead. Like I felt a burden to all and really still do. I don't think my strategy was good either as now I think people think I'm mad at them. I just got sick of saying I feel crappy and those are literally the only updates I have. Eventually I sent a note out to folks with a general update and apologized for not being up to date with folks but appreciated all of the support. I think it helped a lot. My phone triggers the crap out of me because it is usually a call of bad news. Texts are usually appointment confirmations or texts from people that I don't get enough courage to text back. I still don't have anything new to say. I have a crap diagnosis that will only get worse, that's just how the disease works.

A healthy dialogue is probably what is needed, but it takes guts. My best friend from college and I had a bit of an issue like this last year. We did have a long conversation as I was just going to give it up. Turns out confusion both sides and some misunderstandings. Now I think your situation is a bit different as I wasn't pining for her attention. Your friend may not be in a place where they can even handle a healthy dialogue. However, if you could, I think honesty works here. It's kind of like....I love you buddy, but sometimes when we hang it can be a downer. I just need to take a little space for me......I know, easier said than done. But it is the truth. You can boil it down to be that simple. I think if you went into different times and various things said, it would get kind of ugly.

[DMM1188 in reply to 012703060610]

Yes and he hasn’t really even been negative about his health struggles at all- I wouldn’t blame him if he was bitter especially as he also has type 1 diabetes and was in a diabetic coma that caused brain damage in addition to the cancer… I don’t even blame the TMI because I think it’s not having a filter .. it’s just basically all grudges about people we both worked with. I might end up trying to tell him how I feel though, because the abrupt changing the subject whenever I talk about myself ( which I really don’t even do that much) is kind of getting old. Thank you !

[Hidden]

Hi. You sound like you have been a good friend in his time of need. Maybe you need a break from him for a bit. This might be good for him as well. Set some boundaries with him. When he starts the repetitive talk, stop him and tell him that while you understand, and care, you just but don’t need to hear everything over and over. Sounds like he has relied on you as a sounding board and probably doesn’t even realize he’s overstepping. I would take a step back, shorten your time together and be firm on your boundaries. He’s lucky to have you as a friend. Good luck!

[DMM1188 in reply to Hidden]

thank you! He actually got mad (didn’t say it but just gave me the silent treatment after) because I didn’t answer his text at work( I’m a teacher, can’t really be on my phone) and I got a few weeks off from talking to him. It was refreshing.

[Hidden in reply to DMM1188]

That’s great, sometimes a break from our phones can be a blessing.