Marriage counseling

[Rpan]

Today my wife and I went to therapy. We have been together for 20 years and I’m afraid this is the end of us. I feel so judged and often made to feel that I’m the reason for our trouble. I’ve been sleeping in another room and I can’t imagine ever sharing a bed together. It been lousy for some time and we are both unhappy. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years. Everything seems so tough. I no longer feel that we can fix these issues. I don’t want to be swallowed up by getting depressed. It’s a very tough time. I appreciate all your support.

[SA192461]

I’m so very sorry you are going thru this...My husband, after 30 years told me in Feb he wanted a divorce..I’m still devastated..trying to move forward( with baby steps) selling our home..at least you went to therapy, mine wouldn’t. I hope you can work it out..losing someone you this way is beyond painful. 🤗

[AZ1970]

I am sending you a hug and positive thoughts. I was married for 20 years. I recall the counseling session where I realized it was over. I had been trying to make it work. I am a different person now being out of the marriage. I wish you peace.

[Rpan in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you for explaining to me your experience. I hear you loud and clear.. thank you

[RainneLim]

I am sorry you are going through this. I want to make this clear first. I am not married and still in my mid 20s, but my parent's recently split bedrooms in their home' my mom moved into my old bedroom and my dad stayed in the master's bedroom. But they are okay. Though my mom gets annoyed with my dad, the space I think made things cool off, and they are good. No, they are still sleeping in separate beds, but they spend time together in the living room, and they go on dates. I am worried that they may split, but I see they are working things out in their own way - talking. No blaming. Just talking.

But I think, from a perspective of a child, what got them through is just expressing their feelings, NOTHING ELSE. Not "oh this is what you did that bothered me". More of "hey, I love you and I am afraid of this and that, and I want to find a way to make things better." Tell her about her thoughts and feelings about THE SITUATION, not about her.

A great tip I got and have been telling everyone I know who are going through any type of relationship problems is "it's you guys against the problem, never you against her/him." Blaming each other will only push each other apart. And also, tell her, that tip too before you guys go into counseling, say "this is US against whatever is causing us to feel like we are drifting apart. we are in this together."

Now I don't know what you're wife is going through, and not sure about your experience either. However, you guys going to the marriage counsel is also a sign that you both still love each other and want things to work - that is effort. I truly hope you guys work this out. Good luck!

[Rpan in reply to RainneLim]

Thanks for explaining things to me from your perspective, that means a lot to me. You took time to explain to me how your seeing things with your mother and father that I really needed to hear. I’m feeling hopeful thanks to you taking this time. I’m so appreciative , in fact I’m blown away, I can’t thank you enough.

[RainneLim in reply to Rpan]

No problem! I am so glad my perspective helps. And it's an outside perspective from my parents, seeing what works and not works.

I know they've gone through a lot. They almost split when I was young, I don't recall the fights, but getting some space to cool down and talking always seems to work for them.

Now, each marriage has it's own tweaks and perks, I am sure you know that. And sometimes, you go to change the way you communicate how you feel which each other. It's kind of dating all over again if you think about it. Find new ways to show and communicate how much you love each other and be with one another.

Good luck! Keep us posted. We are here for you!

[sidphillips36]

Hi. I married my wife 5 years ago. She was the most beautiful redhead, looked like a princess <3 We had some real bad times. I was very sick at the time and she was with me through it all. In January she just left me at work like a piece of dog poop. We had such a great Christmas but she went on a cruel streak. Making comments that she wished she was with someone who was healthy. Wow. Getting extremely angry at me cuz I vomited in a McDonald's bag. I also tried to pull over but my door wouldn't open cuz I didn't park. So I threw up all overt myself. When I got home she was very angry. I had to go try to clean the car but it was so cold it just made it so hard to clean cuz it would freeze. Just very cruel to me. She sings a different tune though. Her story would be different, of course, cuz I figured out what a liar she is. I was living, well dying, with the devil. So with nowhere to go I had to move an hour and a half away from my friends and work. This after surviving cancer and a liver transplant. Yup. You can't make stuff up like this. Well I ended up In the hospital when I was throwing up nonstop and it turns out I was in rejection. If she hadn't pulled her stunt, I'd be dead. I spent most of Jan, Feb, and March in UMass hospital. I hadn't been able to get a couple of medications cuz of money or CVS playing games and I didn't know that all that time I was sick. $6000 later, I have a great attorney. Thank God for my family helping me. Anyway, sir, sorry for the book I just want you to know that divorce is never a good choice. You will never get over it. All the folks that tell you it gets better, it doesn't. Hang in there and do whatever you need to keep you and your wife together if possible.

[Rpan in reply to sidphillips36]

Wow what a story,I’m honored you shared this me. Such strength through sickness,transplant and loss. Your words mean a lot to me, I hear that I should try to see things differently, I will for sure try my best thank you so much.

[sidphillips36 in reply to Rpan]

No. thank you Sir.

I hope everything works out and you will find peace. Kinda the fake it til ya make it thing. I find exercising greatly reduces the blues. And I can talk to myself and nobody knows

[Rpan in reply to sidphillips36]

Lol

[gogogirl]

This must be very discouraging and painful. At least you gave it a try so give yourself credit. Still twenty years is a heck of a long time. I hope you have family/friends who can support you at this time. Glad you came to this site. Perhaps once the dust clears and you are on the other side you can find some peace. Perhaps in all of this time you two have changed . I hope you can continue to talk through the issues , and maybe recognize that sometimes it's just the change in oneself that brings out these situations. You only have a limited time on Earth, so you might as well make the most of it.

[Rpan in reply to gogogirl]

Thank you for your kind words. Thank

You!!!

[DiegoT]

Please do your best to make it work. Even if that means accepting blame yourself. Divorce is beyond painful, especially if you’re depressed.

If you have a chance read the book The Power of Now. There are many good tips to staying in the moment and not making the situation worse. Unfortunately I did not heed the advice when I needed to

Ask her what she needs from you and give it to her. Also get the book Love Dare and stick with it no matter what. Again I did not follow through and am paying a tremendous price in divorce.

Best of luck

[Rpan in reply to DiegoT]

Thank you so much, I appreciate this input, I will get these books

[MrZee]

Dear Rpan,

It sounds like your relationship grew apart a long time ago and yet you’ve both stayed together for the sake of not going through the trials and tribulations of a breakup.

Breakups are horrible, depressing, and dark.

But there’s always light at the end of the tunnel when time passes after a breakup. Then as we heal we ask ourselves, “why did I stay in that relationship for so long?”

Your anxiety and depression is the rut of staying in a relationship that has expired long ago.

As for the anxiety and depression, there’s medication out there that helps (I’ve been on them for years). Also, I’ve been through 3 different relationship breakups over the years. Each one has hurt. The good thing is there’s a lot of support out there for breakups, divorce, etc.

I know it really hurts a lot. You’re not the sole cause for your relationship ending... it’s both of you.

It may seem hard to believe but there is light on the other side of the tunnel after a breakup occurs and it only gets better.

Best,

MZ

[Rpan in reply to MrZee]

Thank you friend. It’s all so much to

digest. I do believe the anxiety and depression is the result of the relationship and not the cause of the failure. Being unhappy for so long has taken its toll. I want the funny light hearted person I once was back. Being alone has helped me to see where this relationship has taken me. It’s freeing to know that the outcome is beyond my control

[MrZee in reply to Rpan]

Rpan,

It sounds like you’re on the right track. Declaring, “I want the funny light hearted person I once was back” shows that you want to move on to a better place beyond your trying relationship.

It may take a while to get there but it will come.

Years ago, I was in an unhealthy relationship. But my fear kept me from breaking up because I didn’t want to be alone. Finally one day I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with the person. For a while the loneliness hurt but the liberation felt wonderful.

And that’s what will being your funny light hearted person back: the liberation.

Best,

MZ