How to express my own concerns to a partner with anxiety and depression

[GamerGuy88]

My wife has anxiety and depression. Most of her triggers are related to working and her concerns over finances. While I know that her concerns are valid, at times I do not feel like I am able to talk to her about what I see or how I feel in regards to it because either she feels like I am attacking her for it or am piling on to her with what she is already dealing with. She often blames me for not making enough money to support us solo or even for her to work minimal part time hours, she tries to compare us to other couples (particularly older from an older generation) where the man was the bread-winner and fully supported his family. I have been trying to find a better job, but most jobs would involve an initial pay cut and doesn't help her situation of working less.

[AXXES2]

i been through that and when i got a better job and it consisted of me working more hours she still had something to complain about in my opinion she is very stressed out just keep doing what ur doing work the hardest u can do do ur best cause atleast youll have a clean consious.if u love this girl just tell her how much u love her and that youll never let her down and you will make her proud of you just dnt get upset at her just keep doing what ur doing

[GamerGuy88 in reply to AXXES2]

That is what I try to do. She has been hurt badly in the past, growing up she had virtually 0 support for mental health so I know it is hard for her to even accept my help. One of her biggest lines to me is that if she had to be off work for an extended time we wouldnt be able to afford the house and bills on just my pay (mathematically not true as i have tried to show her the math written down) but I also try to explain the same thing to her that if I had to miss an extended time whether being from a medical procedure or whatever other reason we would be in the same boat, that is why it is important she works as well.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

This seems to be not so much anxiety related. Even though your girlfriend may say it is. This is more relationship expectations issues. By that she has expectations of you taking care of both of you. However times have changed. We no longer have an economy where one person can work and the other can be at home. For the most part anyway. There are some people that are able to do it. But it's it's a challenge. And it takes a lot of work involved.

And and it seems like she's unfairly blaming you that if you got a better job then her anxieties would go away because then she's able to quit and it'll just get better like that. It doesn't work like that. I wish I could say it did but it doesn't. Because no doubt whatever expectation she has for this relationship are going to follow if you get a better job and she could quit hers. Something new would be brought up. Like you not being home more often. The long hours you have to work that keep you away from the house or apartment.

And I can understand that it's stressful having a job and to support another party. Like I said this economy is not what it once was. And nor does it help comparing two different generations where one economy was stable and the other one is not. She is giving herself more anxiety by doing that. How come we're not like so and so. I do wish you the best of luck in finding a good job to help ease the burden of her solely being the financial provider. However there needs to be a talk about relationship expectations. She seems to be of the old school mind and you are more of the modern mind. Maybe there can be a compromise. Tell her you love her and you appreciate the hard work she puts in. And that WE will make this work. Because this is a partnership.

[GamerGuy88 in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

I hear what you are saying and appreciate your input. I know this specifically isnt her anxiety talking, there are other areas that it does play a larger role (social anxiety, large crowds) being part of it but this was just one thing we are currently working through. All along while we were dating and even early in the marriage this wasnt so much an issue. It is more recently that it has come to the forefront of what is going on. she always wanted to work and would tell me that she didnt want to just be a stay at home wife/mother. I think some of her issues with the job itself has caused her to begin re-thinking all of that. she places a lot of stress on herself from her job and unfortunately that spills into other areas of her/our life.

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to GamerGuy88]

Well now the plot thickens. All you can do is tell her she isn't alone in this. Encourage her to talk to you openly about her job and how she feels without placing blame. You tell her your feelings as well. You don't feel great when she blames you. That puts you in a funk because you do want to help out. Ask her what can you do to help with her anxiety. Because people with anxiety have different ways of handling. Some what cuddles and others what support but not being clingy if that makes sense. Yes, it's seem shes in need of a change of job. Because this is doing her head in. Causing her to feel the weight of the world on her shoulders.

I know she probably already has heard that. It's not as easy as everyone thinks it is to quit and just land a new job in a day. It's scary. Maybe you can help ease her fears by working together on a budget of some kind. That way there isn't fights about money. While you look for employment yourself. To help ease the financial burden.

Best of luck to both of you ❤️🫂

[IlMinded in reply to GamerGuy88]

Dude, I am going through what your wife is going through. I am going to back up CL3V3R0G1RL and say I feel its her anxiety that is causing the issue. You can only do what you can. Same with her. If she is not happy with work, maybe she needs a change.

I've been with my wife for over 12 years, including dating. I didn't develop problems until after my grandmother passed right before our wedding. As I am getting older, it is more difficult to deal with my anxiety, but I am working through it. One of the things I can say is, if you truly want to be with that person, you will make it work. Relationships will always be a game of give and take, being able to change what your goals in life are to coincide with theirs.

Another thing with the anxiety, for me anyways, it has the ability to alter the way I am thinking when I am in a panic attack. She might get herself into a loop where the money situation always comes up. CBT has help me with this. It took over a year, and boy did it suck changing my brain's wiring, but it helped.

Sorry, a little scattered brained today. Wish you the best with your relationship. Overall, it seems like you need someone to talk to so you can assist your loved one. I would recommend, when your loved one does make a change to a new therapist, to go to a few sessions with them, if they are ok with it, to add in somethings you been noticing. That will ultimately help her out long term.

[Blueruth in reply to GamerGuy88]

I didn’t see this before commenting. Maybe you can help by giving her space to be in a career or role she would be happier in. Talk to her about how you can help while being realistic. Does she want to go to school? Maybe work a second job so she can do it. Work part time or save for something? Work together to reduce your expenses so she can do it.

[GamerGuy88 in reply to Blueruth]

I have brought up many of those points, including getting a second job myself to help out and so she can scale back for school or figuring out things but that is touchy as she has concerns we would drift or I would stray (I never would but she did have a prior fiance whom she found out had been cheating on her so those fears have remained with her)

[Blueruth in reply to GamerGuy88]

Well keep talking. Once someone shuts down it is hard to come back. hopefully you'll figure out a compromise. One thing I am trying to practice which may or may not help you is the way i approach a problem like this. Instead of "you did this" focus on the action and how it made you feel. Keep it very specific. They can't tell you your feelings are invalid. For example you could say "the other day you said we don't have enough money. It made me feel like I am not working hard enough." Now you open up the conversation towards a solution not dwelling on the problem. They might try to say they didn't mean it but it doesn't matter because your feelings and perception are valid.

[EsmeLu]

is she seeing a therapist? If not, she should be. If she is, then you should ask her to go to one of her appointments. Talk to the therapist about what is happening. That you’d like to help her but don’t know what to do. I was in that same situation. I thought more money and a better job would erase my depression and anxiety. It didn’t and that’s when I realized I had a real problem. Don’t bring up anything stressful for now. It will just make her worse. Make sure she sees a therapist. If she’s not taking meds she should see a psychiatrist. These are the things that helped me. I know it’s difficult living with a depressed person. But be patient and she will get better. Wishing you the best, Lourdee

[GamerGuy88 in reply to EsmeLu]

She is seeing somebody. She has talked about possibly seeing somebody different as she believes she's not getting as much out of her sessions (she has been seeing this person for awhile) she has been on meds as well.

[Blueruth]

I feel like I am not hearing her side. A relationship should be a partnership. Hopefully you are in a career you enjoy and are good at so you grow thus is she seeing the big picture? But before you got married did you discuss what role you would like to play? It is valid and valuable to be the one who maintains the house while the other one works (mindful that they money is shared ethically and legally) If that was her expectation then maybe she believes you aren’t meeting the agreement by working in a higher paying field. If you didn’t discuss both missed a pre marriage discussion that should have happened. I just know there are almost always two sides to the story and it is so common to miss it. The anxiety could be around not knowing how to properly communicate what she needs. Maybe she is being unreasonable but I suspect there is something either not heard or not said