Soul corrosion. I feel bad she suffers, don't tell me

[Against_the_current]

It's so hard. Mom's soul is in corrosion and she's corosing mine. Stupid dad leaving and having a kid and messing us all. She talks about the kid and the started drinking since it was born. She sucks the happiness out of me. I was happy for a second because uncle invited me and sis to cousins baptism and she got "im not invited, im nobody, im not in the family, the new wife and kid will probably be there" and then i tried to be happy again about buying new clothes and she started "im so devastated I can't buy you new clothes but as you know in a family there's two parents who work, im alone". I said "screw it, i will go in my underwear" when i wanted to say "you suck every droplet of happiness of my dead body and then get mad at me for showing emotions, you old harpy with 5yo tantrums and smelling like an old man going out of a pub, go fuck yourself ". She went to the toilet (because so much liquid) and i covered my head in a bedsheet and cursed and she started "what have I done" bitch the world doesn't revolve around you. I can't have emotions because she feels guilt I was so close to choking her in her sleep. She's draining my soul out of from my nose with her drunk yapping.

And she's not letting me start a job and move out. She starts blackmailing me. Saying she will leave and leave me to take care of my sister

[CLB1125]

how old is “the kid”?

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Like 3

[Starrlight]

(((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))) it sounds so difficult, so sorry, Against_the_current. 💗 💗 ❤️ 💕 💗 ❤️ 💗 💗

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

It's insane difficult

[Alpakka123]

I'm confused. I thought she suggested for you to take a month break to recover before looking for a job. But now you're saying that she's not letting you get a job?

You've also said in the past that she doesn't let you take your medicines because she makes you feel bad for taking them. Those are two different things, though. Not letting you take your medicines is very different than making you feel bad for taking them. I remember asking for clarification by asking if she physically stops you from taking them, and you said yes. How is making you feel bad for taking your medicine the same as physically stopping you from taking them?

And the moving out thing doesn't make sense either. I thought you were moved out, but didn't fare well on your own and so moved back home?

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

It's confusing. I had moved out for uni, in another city and i thought about moving out in this city. And i can't take them in front of her or ask her to buy them from the pharmacy she works in or for money for them. And honestly i don't know what she wants, she says i don't work but when i say i want to get a job and move out says she's gonna leave and leave me take care of sis. Like that's not my kid. And now that i think of it, if i have a job, i don't want to finance her drinking or to make her go out of work because only work is keeping her from drinking all day and from driving me insane

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Hi AtC! Great to hear from you! Yes, I'm sure it is very complicated. It's so hard when others think it's so easy, isn't it? Other people see the logic only. It's like what my pastor told me the other day when I said I had a bad meltdown. She said that she didn't know what good it was doing me to have them. I had to bite my tongue for that response.

[Alpakka123]

Hi AtC,

Thinking about you at the moment and hoping that you're okay. I'm not mad at you at all, so I hope it doesn't come across that way and I'm so sorry if it does. I know I speak for everyone here when I say that we just want to help. I just want to help.

People around us can get frustrated for umpteen reasons. I know that I've frustrated many people irl with my harping on my trauma. I've raised my voice to my husband numerous times for the reason of it being incredibly painful for me to be "back in it" (re-living trauma). I know that he's only trying to help, so I always feel bad afterwards. The same with others irl that I get visibly frustrated with. It's not them I'm mad at or frustrated with. Instead, I'm mad at and frustrated with myself.

You seem almost defensive when someone hints that you need to work on yourself, move on, not play the blame game, etc, etc, etc. Is this true? If so, I think I know where you're coming from as much as I am able to. I remember mentioning this before, but I'll mention it again. It becomes this "they hurt me, yet I'm the one who needs to do the work? Tell me you're joking!". It almost becomes easier to stay in our pain rather than do the work to dig ourselves out. This becomes like "they caused me pain, so it's them who needs to dig me out! Why should I need to dig myself out of a pain that they caused?"

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Thank you, i needed to hear this. Also so true. "they hurt me, yet I'm the one who needs to do the work? Tell me you're joking!"that's always on my mind. Like why can't my parents sort it out like the adults they say they are and stop torturing me?

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Gosh I wish we had the answer to that (your question)!

Actually (and bear with me hear; I've been asked this before and it's triggered me), do they know how they are affecting you?

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Mom knows i suffer from anxiety and still keeps stressing me out

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

This helps, so thanks. The general is that she knows you have anxiety yet still stresses you out. My general is that my abuser knew the situation I was in yet still did what she did.

But I'm looking for specific details that you could tell them about how it affects you. A specific example in my case would be my abuser telling me "so you're mom died. So what?" (I wish I could tell you that this is a only a hypothetical detail...), and me telling her how it made me feel to hear that. Is there a specific detail that you could talk to your mom about regarding the affect it has on you?

[Lovely2024]

I don’t know if this is going to help you or not since your situation is not easy, but maybe putting yourself in your mom’s shoes would help you to see more clearly and decide what you should do to protect yourself. I went through a similar situation with my husband leaving. It literally crushed my heart and my children’s hearts as well. We suffered together, but they were way stronger than me. Your mom is looking for comfort in the wrong place unfortunately, but believe me when I say this, she can’t help it. Being abandoned is unbelievable painful for a wife and a mother. Because she not only suffers for herself, but for her children, for you guys. Maybe understanding the approach my children took will help you. The suffering I was going through was not their fault and they were very clear about it. So, when I complained about anything, they never took it like I was attacking them or trying to make their lives miserable. They understood I was feeling an unbearable amount of pain and desperately needed their love and compassion. They listened to me, comforted me, hugged me and made me feel still loved, because at the end of the day a father is always a father, but your father abandoning your mother is like he is telling her “I never loved you, you never meant anything to me, you are worthless, etc”. How to approach it? Understand how she feels, talk to her about how you feel and share her pain and let her share your pain and your brother’s pain. Seek help so your mom seeking refuge in alcohol doesn’t get out of hand. Maybe one of your relatives could talk with her about it? You guys need each other. Your father has just damaged your family’s life pretty badly, do not let him to destroy whatever love you have for each other. Be there for her and ask her to do the same for you and your brother. Tell her you love her and need her to be well. My children did this for me and I am way better now. Seek help, understand she’s not trying to make your life miserable, be there for your brother. Show your mom you love her. She will recover and you will be happy you were there for her

[Against_the_current in reply to Lovely2024]

It hurts me desperately how bad she's hurting. It's not fair. People tell me to not be mad at dad but he did this to her and she's doing it to me. I try to talk to her, i try to hug her but she just says "if you want hugs, get a boyfriend". I'm trying so hard to make her mother talk to her about her drinking as when i do, she gets sadistic. I have talked to my other grandparents but if she found out i did, the consequences for me would be catastrophic. She doesn't want help. I tell her i can't be her therapist. She needs to move out. My heart hurts deeply for her but she's more unwilling to get out of it and stop being a victim even than me. Why should i pay my dad's sins? My sibling is a sister actually and she got so violent she hitted me pretty hard today and dissapeared

[Lovely2024 in reply to Against_the_current]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so unfair to you and to your sister. Are you old enough to work? Maybe it’d be a good idea to find a job. That’d be a way for you to concentrate in other things instead of your mom’s problems and at the same time you could help her pay bills, etc. which I think you mentioned she’s worried about. I don’t really understand her reaction when you try to comfort her, maybe doesn’t want to be perceived as weak? It’s hard to know, but getting a job would be really good for you since you’d be out of that environment for most of the day and if things get worse you could move out, hopefully with your sister. By the way, I think you have every right to be mad at your dad, because he failed his family and has caused so much pain to all of you by being disloyal and irresponsible. But you can choose in the future, when you are ready and if you want, to forgive him. But you are not under any obligation to do it. Forgiveness is voluntary. I hope things get better. I send you hugs and good wishes. Keep talking to us when you need it