Called grandma because I was anxious about going home and i was feeling sick and wondered whether it's Anxiety or i might infect mom and sis. Grandma just started complaining about how she's gonna die, how bad she feels, how much work she did, what chores she did... Just like mom. These two can tell you they took out the trash thousand times as if they killed a dragon. And explain in heavy detail how much pain they're through. Which first makes me worried about them. And second, as my therapist told me but gave me no coping as always and im just stuck with this insight how toxic their behaviour is without a way to explain it to them or cope myself just stay there fully aware of how f*cked i am, i learn this behaviour. I'm sorry that I'm always complaining. I lost all my friends of always complaining. I'm in my 20s and i have nobody to go out with because of this. And im mad at mom and grandma for teaching me that the only way to bond with people is true pain. Another thing my therapist gave me killing awareness on is i can't bond without pain. All i know is pain. If it's not physical(i was always sick as a child) then mental. And on top of it i tried to put boundaries and say i don't want to listen to how tired she is and she said "then i better not talk to you at all". Just like my mom says. I try to put boundaries and get blackmailed. I'm the bad guy for acknowledging how they're turning me into a psychopath. And in this terms therapy is making it worse because it gives me self-awareness on their bs that's my bs now. And another thing - she said "i tell you because i want you to know THERE'S WORSE". It could be worse. The worst thing to say. She thinks that because im in my 20s im immortal. Do i have to jump like my situationship for my family to understand that it is worse? Meanwhile even he blocked me for being too crazy. Litterary a guy who runs into the forest like Forest Gump tells me im too crazy for him. Well, grandma, hope you like my nephew, cause you won't see grandchildren from me. (Not as if i planned to stay alive till im healed enough to take care of other being. Plus i have gender dysphoria thank you mom and dad and now i refer to myself as weasel like i did when i was 4years old, surprisingly i spoke English at 4. I also refered to myself as glonk but i was encouraged to deliete it as my username. Sadly for an absolutely ruined person i had brains). If mom wants a glass of water (because she's too drunk to get it) - she's gonna start telling you for the milionth time how terrible her job is and how sick she is. Instead of saying please or f*ck please, just ask for it like a normal person.
If i manage to get through my exam(which is in one month and I can't study a word) and manage to rank for a major then manage to rank for a PhD imm gonna write how most mental illness associated with depression and anxiety is actually invisible trauma and invisible abuse. Because yes they're not hitting me but they taught me that i must suffer. And no matter how much therapy i do, im wired to suffer. And everyone leaves me. As Halsey says "I would leave me too, if i could". I just want to give up. I'm screwed. I just want to end this game. I lost. Why am i still playing? How do i get rid of this character?
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I made a reply earlier on another post. I think a lot of life is about perspective. Imho I would look at the things that you can change and bit by bit things will get better. You might feel it but you haven't lost.
"These two can tell you they took out the trash thousand times as if they killed a dragon." This is a great line that. you should keep to use in your writing. I love it when you are funny and snarky. It shows that your spirit is still fighting. And it makes me laugh.
You haven't lost everything. Here's my advice, for what it's worth: Do whatever it takes to pass that exam. You have excelled in school against the odds. Do it one more time. Your degree will be your ticket to a new life. It won't be a magic wand that will suddenly fix all your problems, but it will be a key that can open doors. You'll probably have to walk through several before you find yourself someplace you want to be.
When yo talk to your therapists, tell them that, for now, you need them to help you get through that exam. But also tell them what you wrote above: "therapy is making it worse because it gives me self-awareness on their bs that's my bs now" and that, in your sessions, the therapist "gave me no coping as always and im just stuck with this insight how toxic their behaviour is without a way to explain it to them or cope myself just stay there fully aware of how f*cked i am," so AFTER you pass your exam, you need the therapeutic dynamic to change and you are telling your counselors this now so they have time to think about what strategies you can try once you have your degree. They may push back, but try repeating that, after working them for so long (and thank them for their care!), you have come to realize that you need both insight and actions you can take. Say it as calmly as you can each time you have a session.
I suspect that you're never going to be able to "explain" to your family how they messed you up. Doing so will only make them feel guilty which will lead them to tell you and themselves how they are blameless and not at fault. That won't help anyone. Might I suggest telling what *does* help? For example, "Mom, it meant a lot to me that you came to the hospital to support me"; "Sis, thank you for the cup of tea and the quiet conversation about art"; "Dad, I really appreciate the way you tried to help me find a new apartment and for the financial support you've given me"; "Grandma, I'm looking forward to our time together while we heal this summer. I'd love to have a chance to know more about the happy memories you have and what brings you joy" (and take a notebook. Your grandmother may have some amazing stories to tell that you'll want to remember or use in your writing).
There are no quick fixes, no easy solutions, and no way to get you the childhood you should have had and I mourn for what you have lost. But what you haven't lost is chance to be a different character and to change how the game is played.
Focus on the exam as much as you can. Remember how smart and capable you have been throughout college. You can do this. I have faith in you.
By the way: here's a song I think you might like (1-800-GOT-STRESS by Devon Cole):
Thank you. So I'm not lost? Some call my humour (which is exactly my soul trying to not be crushed) "b!tching", "hyperactivity" and so but yeah that's my soul fighting to survive. I don't know if i can pass with high enough score, i have completely lost trach of time and i can't realise i have a month till the exam. Also my brain is so burned i feel dyslexic (even though im not, sorry for using the term). I need to get independent but it's so hard with that trauma and the world isn't helping me with those wars, inflation, refugees, sicknesses... And thanks for the song
I don't think you are lost, certainly not permanently. I do understand that you feel lost, though. Can I guarantee that you'll pass your test? No. But I believe that you can do it and that you are likely to do so.
I think maybe, like me, you articulate your fears as expectations as a way to cope with them, and that's OK. We've seen you feel sure that you would fail and then succeed more than once. I think you'll do that with your exam.
Goodness me, you are so young to be thinking like this. Life can get better, but that depends on you. Your influences have not been good, but not everybody has support from the people around them, You are young, a clever student and have a good future ahead of you. At the end will be someone who will admire,understand and love you. Think of what you can achieve,
Hi, Okay your grandma probably learned to speak in complaints from her parents, as your mom learned from her and you learned from them.... It is the culture in your family. You can't control their experience but you have full control of your own. Speaking in the form of a complaint is often the only way anybody gets attention.
I got stuck talking only about negative things and my ex husband pointed that out. I didn't even realize I was doing it. It was a woah moment. I didn't want to be that person.
Try having a conversation with someone and don't complain, don't say anything negative. It is hard to change the way you talk with people, but try it. You will be able to make friends. People engage with the positive. Save the sadness for your therapist.
When you complain to Mom or grandma it becomes a competition about who has had it harder than the other. I see elderly people do this about aches and pains. You don't have to play the game. try, "That must have been hard." then quickly change the subject . Don't play the game. Good luck!
I think that's great advice! I would only add that AtC can bring her sadness here too — especially if that helps her bring the positivity to other situations.
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