I'm mentally checking out

[WorldWarMe]

I have had so much happen in the last year that I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. My anxiety is sky high and it's triggered active addiction which is now more of a problem than its been in years. I have medication resistant anxiety. I'm exhausted. I dont know what to do anymore. My therapist is great but she can only take me as far as I can carry myself and the weight of all this is too much. I'm so tired. Meetings aren't working. I'm getting so frustrated at this point. I don't want to keep fighting with myself. The harder I try the harder I fall. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I'm trying to stay sober tonight and it's so hard to do.

[Ellamaye]

I read your post and the line I'm trying to stay sober tonight popped out at me . It shows inner strength despite your struggles. Sharing is always good for the soul as you know . And it's why you expressed yourself on H u. X have you tried joining meetings? AA or NA? I have friends that have found them very helpful and comforting

[WorldWarMe in reply to Ellamaye]

I really appreciate your response. I tried a meeting tonight and ended up leaving in the middle of it. I got so frustrated and instead of running out to the store I got online and started looking for anonymous support groups. I'm tired of being strong and I'm becoming more broken by the day. Everything was great for a while. I was doing 10 times better and then it all unraveled before my eyes and I'm so tired. I really need to get back out of this mess but the hits keep coming.

[Ellamaye in reply to WorldWarMe]

Your really not giving yourself enough credit for your positive behaviours . In my opinion anyway. You didn't go to the store you went online looking for support. I don't know too much about being in recovery but I know it's an everyday thing and I'm sure you wouldn't be in recovery if you didn't prefer your life without drink or drugs or whatever your poison is x

[WorldWarMe in reply to Ellamaye]

You're definitely right. I really beat myself up a lot and my therapist and me are working to change that.

[Ellamaye in reply to WorldWarMe]

Alot of us on here feel bad about ourselves for all kinds of reasons , valid or invalid. Mental health can be the worst of all tortures. I'll say it again though give yourself credit. Your reply said your working with your therapist to change things x

[WorldWarMe in reply to Ellamaye]

I love your attention to detail. You've helped me so much tonight.

[Ellamaye in reply to WorldWarMe]

And now you have another place to turn to in bad moments x

[SteepinginSoil]

Hello there,

I am sorry to hear of your terrible anxiety and struggle with sobriety. I'm glad you are continuing to reach out for help; it helps hesitant people like me to remember to do so as well. I just wanted to share with you that I had been going to meetings for quite some time before I began to achieve lasting sobriety. I didn't think I would be where I am today (over a year sober) when I was in active addiction. Perfection isn't attainable, but I gently encourage you to keep showing up rain or shine, work the steps with a sponsor, and most importantly be gentle with yourself! I wish you much success on your journey, and I believe that you can find that much-needed relief in your life.

- Matt

[WorldWarMe in reply to SteepinginSoil]

Thank you so much for your wise words Matt. I appreciate your support.

[fauxartist]

I myself am dual diagnosed. I can tell you that even with doctor's prescriptions....that you can be addicted to the anxiety drugs which do alter you and your perception, I know…been there and done that. Unless you completely commit and surrender to no drugs or drink, and get to safe places like meetings, and stay,... bring the body, eventually the mind will follow...your life will remain in chaos.

I was always looking for a reason or excuse why I took Xanax, or had a few glasses of wine to calm the nerves... but it was all BS...I'm addicted to all things addictive, and until I stop altering my brain, I would never be clear-headed enough to start putting together the coping tools I needed. You need active support...from others also working a sober program. I won't candy coat it...it's all or nothing with addiction. I've dealt with child abuse, sexual abuse, trauma, death, a lifetime of CPTSD and addiction...and I didn't need any of it to use as an excuse to drink or use...because it was an innate part of who I am....I don't define myself by my mental injury or recovery.... it's just a part of who I am.

There are no half-a*ss measures....it's total commitment to change your life. Everyone has a story, everyone has crap happen...and it's all valid.... but my therapist told me that unless I was clean and sober, I was wasting her time and my time because I wasn't clear-headed and just prolonging the chaos in my life. You don't beat yourself up over it, you just do it.

[WorldWarMe in reply to fauxartist]

With all due respect it's not a one size fits all method...I've been sober before. The way you're describing isn't the way I did it and my chaos is definitely not caused by my drinking. Congratulations on being sober though. Mad respect.

[sunshinefan]

Hello. I have been sober for almost two years. It took a lot to get over the hump and get sober, but you are strong and the fact that you didn't go to the store and you got online shows strength and determination. Give yourself credit for that all. I joined AA and it has really helped me. It has been work and not easy and I have relapsed a couple of times, but now that it is a part of me I focus on that.

[WorldWarMe in reply to sunshinefan]

Awesome job on the 2 year sobriety mark. I'm very proud of you and thank you so much for your support. Acceptance is key and I'm slowly coming around to that.

[WorldWarMe]

I joined it. Thank you so much.

[WorldWarMe]

I appreciate your offer. I might share when I get a little more comfortable with this group. So far most of you have been extremely welcoming and helpful and I really appreciate you guys.