Hello, I'm trying but feel defeated

[LunarEcho24]

I've wrestled with anxiety (Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, phobias) and depression for much of my life. At times it wasn't as intense and was manageable, or at least maskable. At this stage in my life it is really affecting me. I have issues with appetite, lost weight, have trouble sleeping, feel constantly on edge and unable to relax, I'm quick to get very anxious over relatively moderate problems, feel like something awful is coming, and have a doom-and-gloom outlook on life. It's horrible.

I work, but it is a struggle. A part of the problem with work is that I'm struggling to keep up (technology change, organizational change) and don't believe in myself. I don't have the confidence and am sensitive about my skill gaps. I'm also very isolated, in part because I tend to withdraw, but also because I work hybrid (at home and in office). The company had a return to office mandate, and I'm back in a building I've worked in for years but there are very few people around. Part of me doesn't want people around because of my anxiety and imposture syndrome, but also it is very lonely and isolating.

I wonder if I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I haven't specifically been diagnosed with that, but it sounds very much like me. I've tended to have limited social relationships in my life. I've had some friendships (but generally kept people at a safe distance), and even somehow managed to get married. At this stage in life I don't really have any friends. I mainly have my family.

I'm worried about losing it all. I'm struggling at work, don't feel like I can perform and make a meaningful contribution, I'm struggling to keep up, and wouldn't be competitive in the job market. I'm also scared of even thinking about getting a new job. In part due to my intense social anxiety and generalized anxiety, but also because I don't believe in myself and am stagnant in my skills.

When I get withdrawn from my anxiety and depression issues, it triggers my wife understandably. She feels I'm closed off, and I don't want to be but that is how I respond when I'm overwhelmed. It has turned into fights, because of me being closed off and also she doesn't understand my worrying and negative thinking.

I know that I'm a worrier and plagued by negative thinking, but I also have some real struggles that I don't know how to navigate or overcome. I feel so stuck, vulnerable, anxious, defeated, and depressed. It is affecting my ability to sleep, focus, and function well in life. I have trouble really focusing on much of anything other than my misery. I've wake up at night worrying about some problem (sometimes work related, sometimes life related) that I can't seem to solve. One night I woke up in a panic convinced all my worse fears were coming true. I've developed this doom-and-goom outlook on life where I fear the worst-case scenarios are going to play out.

I wish I could overcome this negativity. I wish that I could sleep well at night. I wish that I had more confidence and competence at work. I wish that I didn't struggle with the financial worries, marital issues, health concerns, and sense of isolation. I feel like my life is unraveling. I have a family to support, but I'm barely functional these days in all areas of life. This isn't sustainable.

I'm on medication (lamotragine to try to address mood and anxiety, and another med to help me sleep) and started up therapy recently. I'm not sure if these things are going to really help me. I've done every self-help thing you can think of. I'm at a point where I feel so stuck, so helpless, and so screwed. I need to be able to sleep, I need to be able to work, and I need to be able to upskill and deal with life.

I know everyone has a different story in life, but mine has turned into a sad one. I've had my ups and downs in life, but am realizing that I really didn't do the things I needed to in order to really grow, overcome the social anxiety and generalized anxiety. The depression comes from feeling defeated, down on myself, and low self esteem. I have limited myself so much in life due to fear and anxiety, and now I feel like I'm stuck, on a dead-end, and helpless. I feel so alone and isolated.

[PacoDennis]

I am sorry you are struggling so much now. I personally have been there, and I have lost all hope. Our negative thinking can cripple us, I know. I have learned that we need to take very small steps to help ourselves. Like, making yourself comfortable physically. Be conscious of finding a comfortable position, because you can, and when you do, feel good about it. Writing to this forum can help, and maybe even getting involved in small projects with your wife to help her out. Nothing grand, just help with cooking, or doing something around the house. If you have pets, they are great to talk to, and be friends with.

Your situation at work does sound challenging. Concentrating on your work, instead of other people is a start. Try to stay focused on your task. It is mindfulness to practice this. It is good and helpful practice to stay focused on our tasks, and elemanate the distractions. As we concentrate on our task we can give it oue full attention. That is what will help. When the task is finished there will time to interact with others and you will feel you HAVE contributed.

I know you won't give up, so remember it is the little things you do for yourself that makes a difference.

[LunarEcho24 in reply to PacoDennis]

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I am trying to take steps, like helping the wife with dinner, not spending time watching mindless entertainment on the tube.

I agree that a little mindfulness to focus on tasks is in order... I don't want to use it as an excuse, that I'm usually fatigued or anxious, making that hard. I know I have to start somewhere, even small.

The monkey mind is persistent. I tend to obsess about the magnitude of EVERYTHING and overwhelm myself with worry. I often feel so isolated, sad, and ruminate about those things in life I regret or should have done. It is a bad habit, I know. It's not helpful.

[Vonus5591]

You should focus on health, healthy diet helps you sleep and gives you extra energy. Mental health also tends to improve with diet. Exercise, take breaks and move about alittle.

Yes, you are trying but good mental health is priority. Congratulate on things done and reward yourself for days work with say favourite fruit or food. Contemplate on what you can do and achieve for days, set tiny goals. For instance, smile or just saying 'how are you' to someone. Ask ' what they have done' Taking nature walks/park or just walks. See the difference this makes. Make small achievable steps. Plan to talk about your interests to someone/wife.

Just do it for yourself. Your mood might improve. Small steps one at time as doesn't have to be all at once

[LunarEcho24 in reply to Vonus5591]

Thank you, that is good advice.

[Formula1fan]

We have similar issues, I have struggled with getting good sleep for 25 years because I have had 34 bone surgeries due to a bone disease so it causes chronic pain...It is amazing what 6-8 hours of good sleep will do for you the next day, even if a med was used. You mentioned sleep medication but it doesn't sound effective, maybe a dosage change or a different one. I also experience panic attacks, Xanax works well for me...if you haven't taken xanax before I would try it because it will help you sleep. Because of my anxiety my brain doesn't want calm down at night, the xanax quiets that issue.

I recently let my anxiety and fear get completely out of control because I kept everything to myself, I didn't want to burden others. Because I kept it in all that anxiety and fears turned to anger, it snowballed to the point I could not think, I was beyond help... these emotions spun completely out of control--when everything came out it I was like a nuclear explosion and it was such a bad situation ,I was lucky no one was hurt. I royally f**ked up and knew this was not fixable and I would regret it forever. My life was not sustainable and I knew continuing this way would destroy my life. The answer was making changes, I started by talking to friends and family and I immediately felt a weight lift off my body and mind...I also reached out to a professional. I could have avoid years of suffering by just talking about it. Please don't make the same mistake I made. I share this with you to give you hope.

[LunarEcho24 in reply to Formula1fan]

Thank you.

Regarding Xanax, I've tried to steer away from that, but I know everyone is different with meds. Do you have any side effects that are an issue for you? I've been hesitant with medications but at some point you have to find something that helps.

I can understand not wanting to burden others, and I know opening up can be helpful. It can be a challenge with my wife, because the negativity/fear gets to her, but also me being withdrawn is a problem too. I'll have to work on opening up in a constructive way, if possible.

I'm glad you made an improvement with your anger.

And thank you for sharing and trying to offer some hope.

[Formula1fan]

I have not had any side effects from Xanax, it does help quiet the stereo in my head enough I can get some sleep. My advice would be to do anything and everything to get some sleep. Not getting sleep massively magnifies all the negative things we are dealing with. I will not advise you to take Xanax or not take it but it is something to talk to your Doctor about as you formulate a plan to get some sleep. I realize many people do not want to use any outside influences in their body such as chemicals and drugs for a variety of reasons, many people are afraid of the drugs especially with all the press regarding the opioid epidemic. (Whoa that is topic I could on about for quite some time, especially how the government has made everything worse for each group people involved...if anyone wants discuss it please contact me). Before I took Xanax I did Biofeedback, received breathing excerises, was hypnotized and had full body massages. I just wanted to get some rest, I was fatigued 24/7 and at times dealt with total exhaustion.

Purely from personal experience because my bones are damaged from my disease that causes severe pain I couldn't live without the drugs. I believe that just using the drugs and nothing else is not beneficial because other available treatments combined is like 1+ 1=3. For example, I am using morphine now (the Oxycontin was taking away) but last week I scheduled a procedure on my back where the nerves sending the pain signals to my brain are identified and then burned, it is called RFA or Radio-Frequency Ablation...I believe anything I can do WITHIN REASON to lower my overall pain level benefits me. I have had some surgeries that failed so I am a little cautious and sensitive. Now a few years ago a Doctor suggested I have a pain pump surgically implanted in my spine...I talked to four of his patients, two said it was a disaster, one had severe complications and one had minor, all four said they wouldn't do it again, so that gave me my answer. I told that Doctor I felt like operating on a patient that was completely stable on oral pain meds was not only a violation of his oath but borderline criminal.

I hope you can find a solution so your body and brain can get some rest. If you could get 6 hours sleep you will feel like Superman.