I'm tired of being me....

[Shield_Of_Faith]

I'm sorry I have to let this out. I don't want to trigger anybodys depression or anxiety, so trigger warning.

I'm a no one and nobody and any family or friend says I am a somebody, they are just being nice because I know my family cares about me but with my many embarrassing anxiety moments and me feeling like a nuisance to everyone and they say "no it's fine we understand we love you" but then I see the look on there faces at times the tone in there voice. It's not them, it's me. I'm trying to be man of God but I can't see my reason for existing......I just don't get it. I'm pathetic and I'll always feel this way. I can't stand being me anymore. What the heck do I do? I'm 32 and I have nothing to show for it, things could be worse, alot of crazy stuff goes on in this world and I do feel sorry for people who do go through whatever that is causing them pain and misery in this life and I pray for them and I want the good people of this world to be happy and safe!

I'm just a mess. I know I sound stupid, you don't have to be nice. I have alot of anxiety and depression issues. And I'm doing one fantastic job holding it together aren't I......

I'm sorry if this is alot, I'm usually trying to be hopeful. And I have hope for others, I really do. But me, it's different idk what I'm doing anymore.

[Cavalierrubie]

Come on Shield you can do this. Maybe you are trying too hard. Try and accept that you have problems as your family have accepted and love you. They say to forget yourself, and reach out to others who have problems, is a way to heal yourself. Nothing is going to change until you change your way of thinking about yourself and only you can do this, no one else. “I can and I will, watch me.” Don’t criticise yourself so much. You are, how you are, so what? It’s not your fault that you are like this as we all know, but accept and don’t compare yourself with others BIG MISTAKE. Look beyond yourself and be kind (l am sure you are) because you never know what struggles others are going through. Love and prayers.😄🙏

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Cavalierrubie]

I know.My mind is clouded, I just have alot of hate towards myself. I've tried to be strong and hopeful. I'm still trying to be hopeful right now, but idk I'm just very vulnerable right now.....I'm mentally tired and sometimes people around make me feel more alone, because how much my anxiety has put them through.

I feel alone.

[Cavalierrubie in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

Lonliness is terrible but you must keep talking and let it out. They say to combat lonliness you have to be a friend to have a friend. I am not putting you down in any way but the key is with you. People and family can only help so much, you have to meet them halfway. We don’t always get what we want in this life, but God gives us what we need. He has blessed you with family. Some folks have not even that. If you complain to God he will keep you going round the dessert like he did the Israelites who were forever complaining. Come on now, l know it’s bad for you now, but it could be a lot lot worse. You are young and handsome so take life by the b…..s and try, and then some. It’s in your own hands and unless you try harder nothing will begin to change. Accept that you get anxiety that believe it or not, is much better than a serious disease that keeps you housebound . You have a choice ok? God bless 🙏

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Cavalierrubie]

Thank you for your kind words.You and everyone here is right. I'm trying really hard to be strong, and i know I'm Blessed with my family thats why i hurt i have my own issues to deal with but then seeing my family burnt out helping me with my issues all the time but I see how my anxiety and depression effects them, they wont say it but I know I burn them out with my issues. Im trying to get a grip but idk what to do. I'm just so mentally burned out. I'm still trying to hopeful but I'm so sad too at the same time. Thank you again for reaching out. 🙏

[Cavalierrubie in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

It’s going to be ok. Nothing is impossible with God. I am living truth of that. I look forward to a post from you that things are getting better. Hope you get to church. Remember what we said on here and keep going on. You will be in prayers. Blessings ✝️

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Cavalierrubie]

Thank you very much!I know if there's someone I'm always disappointing way more then my family it definitely is God.

I pray and hope in him but I know I've let God down alot.

Thank you for the prayers I appreciate them! ✝️🙏

[Midori in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

Don't worry about letting God down; just try to not let You down. God can manage. You need the help, so concentrate on You for the time being. God is Patient, he'll wait. Not a single one of us is perfect, we can strive only to be the best we can be, but Humans are fallible; so forgive yourself, God will forgive you.

Cheers, Midori

[ScooterJoe]

You sound normal to me but that may be because you sound a lot like me. At least your family is nice on the outside--mine either tells me I'm crazy or totally ignores whatever emotional challenge I'm going through. I hope it doesn't sound like a cliche but I do understand what you're going through. I'm 72 years old now and I believe depression has been a significant part of my life since I was a teenager. 'Depression' wasn't a widely accepted word back then. While most people my age back then were worried about if the football team was going to win or what to wear to the prom, my mind was debating whether or not I was going to go to hell or where if anyplace did I fit into the world. After a year of college I got married because I was tired of going to school but didn't want to get a job either. Mistake. The person I married was even more emotionally needy than I was! After the divorce I went to work and then married again. Fast forward 48 years. I am still married to the same person and I still worry about going to hell and where I fit in. I've gone through cancer, losing my parents and my best friend, retirement and now going through cancer with my husband. Unfortunately I've not found the answers to my questions. I've had my share of medications, cried a bucket full of tears and tried to go forward one step at a time. I don't have a solution for how you feel, I wish I did. Like you, my church has not helped although I'm still trying to keep the faith. God has a way of reminding us he's still there sometimes by something we read or just by that 'inner nudge' that let's you know that he still loves you. I guess I have learned to seek my quiet place in the storms and appear to be doing OK even though I'm torn up inside. My biggest solace has been this group--being able to pour my heart out and know I won't be judged for the feelings that make me who I am. But best of all; I've found people just like me. Give yourself a little more love and a little less criticism. Love yourself. Stay in this group. Best of luck to you

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to ScooterJoe]

Thank you, I'm sorry for all your struggles and losses. I don't say that lightly, I'm so sorry. I appreciate you reaching out and telling me your story. I just hope I can continue to hold onto hope. I don't want to criticize myself anymore. But all I feel is sadness and rage towards myself and how I put my family through my mental issues that I've tried so hard to get better.No Doctors could help me or no pills.

I don't think I can survive this life. Idk what do.

But thank you for replying to me. 🙏

[mizzou7016 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

you are surviving this life shield....you are fighting for answers and to get yourself better....you obviously want to do it.....you wouldn't be here asking questions if you didn't want to get better....I will say again too...that each situation is different and as such requires different actions...just do the best that you can with the knowledge that you have.....and keep seeking the knowledge

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to mizzou7016]

Thank you. I'm trying still I guess. I hope for the best. That's all I can do. I'm just very sad right now. But everyones words here is helping me feel lil better. I'm trying my best.

[mizzou7016 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

It is okay to be sad.....just don't let the sadness consume you so much that it negates or neglects the good things you've done with each situation that you're faced with. I can say that I'm sure you've done good things..just make sure that you focus on all aspects......not just the negative ones

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to mizzou7016]

I'm trying my best. I really am.Thank you. 🙏

[mizzou7016 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

I didn't/don't mean to imply that you aren't trying...it's just that sometimes we get so focused on the "negatives" that we either entirely forget that we have just as much positive stuff going on as negatives....or push the good to the back burner....

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to mizzou7016]

No I know. I didn't take it the wrong way! Thank you for taking the time to reply. 🙏

[Hidden]

Hi there! I have been struggling too! It was suggested for me to reach out to others who are broken too and give them hope! This Way I can get out of my pain for a moment and give hope to someone else! You’re struggling now and so am I so you’re definitely not alone! I hope you Can find peace through talking with other people here cause it seems people here really care! Better than a therapist would ever do I think! We have to fight this, and Know that things will get better. We have to remember this!!!! We have to believe this.!!! Hugs-Shay

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Hidden]

I appreciate that. I tried to reach out to people to in the past to help in anyway I can and every positive thing I would say I meant it from my heart. I just don't think I matter anymore. I don't have the will to be strong through the many panic attacks or the constant what if scenarios. I'm mentally burnt out.I appreciate you trying to help. I really do. I'm sorry I'm sounding to depressing, I don't mean too. I'm just always struggling.

Thanks again though. 🙏

[Hidden in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

I also suffer from frequent panic attacks! I was in the ER 2 x last week so I Do know what you mean! I can’t give you a magic cure ! I can’t give myself a magic cure!! I’m struggling very badly right at this moment with my disorder and have been getting responses from people who really care on this forum! Try to be strong! Me too! That’s all I’m fighting for right now! Listen to all the suggestions from others on here! It’s very important! I’m go through ups and downs and am really trying right now!! We’re all in this together!! I’m holding on to get better and You can too!-Shay

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry to hear about your panic attacks, yeah few times last year I want to the ER for panic attacks. Not fun at all. Thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate that! 🙏

[Hidden in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

Yea. I think I will have to let some other people give you some more suggestions and more support than what I can right now! I’m sorry you’re going through this! I’m just not in a good place right now! I was just trying to help out and I know that that there are people here that are in a better position to help you than myself! Please listen to whatever advice you receive!-hug -Shay

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Hidden]

You helped out just fine, because you and everyone here made me feel less alone. Just responding to me to even try to help means alot.I pray that you feel better soon as I pray that I feel better soon myself!

Thank you very much! 🙏

[Hidden in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

You’re welcome! Stick around! I’m going to! Try to do something positive today! Even if it’s just super small!! -Shay

[mizzou7016 in reply to Hidden]

just keep working on yourself.....you've got this shay...

[Hidden in reply to mizzou7016]

Thank you Mizzou! ! I’m giving it my all right now!-Shay

[Shield_Of_Faith]

I appreciate it. But I don't matter,I never felt I did. That's why I'm confused why God made me. I don't ever try to question God. But I'm confused. I'm a burden to everyone. But thank you for reaching out. 🙏

[PeaceNeed in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

I get furious with God. about why I exist. I tell him Im not Job. or Lazerus.

[Shield_Of_Faith]

I mean this, I don't need loads of money. I never felt that way.I'm financially safe, with roof over my head and food on the table in a safe environment.

I have God and my family.

All I want is my extreme social phobia, anxiety,depression, ocd intrusive thinking and the constant dread I feel everyday to be gone forever or at least I can be strong enough to endure and overcome it even a little bit.

I just for once in my life pray not to have chains of anxiety pulling me down, making me fall.

I'm Blessed with my life around me.

I'm the issue I don't know how to resolve.

I'm trying, I've been trying.

Sorry thank you for responding to me. 🙏

[mizzou7016 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

here's the thing.....i'm giving you a lot to think about....think about this.....they are pulling you down....but are you staying down...and you are enduring it.....because you are living it...and caring about it....and working on it.....that is the main thing

[PuzzleArt]

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than men....." "For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many of noble birth." ........." so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." I am not saying to neglect our minds and thinking. It is important to me to understand myself also and how to be more honest ( and accurate) in communucation. I believe you are young enough to develop abilities and to accomplish things in your life you might not even conceive of now. I think that in the ages of 20's and 30's people start looking for validation of, and evidence of material or visual accomplishment. This is human nature. We are all given a different amount of time to get to where we want to be with inner and spiritual progress. You mention prayer. There are so many people who were never taught to pray and have great difficulty. That is so positive when you can pray. And our minds that we were given have such great potential, no matter what disability we might sufffer. We can learn way more than what we give ourselves credit for. Two-way communucation with others can be learned. Some we meet are not capable of it and so we can't expect them to hear us. They may want only to be the "directors" of the show and have us be the actors to play the role that they choose for us and the way they choose. This is a process and you also have prayer as a help in any communucation with others, both prayer for them and gir yourself. ( I grew up in a secular home and had no interest in spiritual things until I was 30).

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to PuzzleArt]

I appreciate you responding.And I know I'm trying to be in constant prayer and focus on God.

Thank you. 🙏

[Agora1 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

Shield Of Faith Miracles do happen Believe in that

Focus on the positives in life. You are blessed xx

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Agora1]

I know and your right.Thank you so much.

🙏

[Agora1 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

xx

[mizzou7016]

I am beginning to sound like a broken record but here we go....1st and foremost.....you are somebody.....we are all somebody. I have taken to the following mantra.....if the lord blesses me with another day....I will do my very best to make sure that i I have a great day....that I can and will conquer whatever stuff is flung at me. that I will do my best with each situation that comes up for that day...and live to fight again tomorrow....sometimes that is working on everything for that day...sometimes it's something as simple as breathing. things will always be there.....as long as you are putting forth 100% effort into each situation....and doing things with negative intentions.....the day is not wasted..

[mizzou7016]

Has anyone ever actually told you you are worthless...and do you really care what other people think...please remember 1) to put yourself on your priority list...2) 100% effort.....3)Live to "fight" another day

[Blugirl76]

Hello,

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, I know this feeling all too well. You definitely are in the right place because at least here there are people going through the exact thing which makes us not feel alone. I find Psalm 91 to be comforting. It has helped me when I feel alone in my own head. I hope it can give you some comfort along with the fact we are all here to talk to you also.

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Blugirl76]

Yes, the Lord is my fortress.Thank you for your kind words.

And I do feel less alone because everyone's support. I'm sorry for sounding depressing.

But I appreciate your help!

God Bless you!

✝️🙏

[Blugirl76 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

I don’t think you sound depressing, more like you’re calling out for help during your time of need. There is nothing wrong with that. If I was able to help that’s what matters.

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Blugirl76]

You and everyone here did help me by just listening to me and being there for me. I always feel like a ghost in this life passing through people like I'm worth nothing and a nobody. So I'm grateful that you listened and replied. I'm grateful to everyone here , it truly means alot. God Bless everyone and I hope we all get through our battles we face everyday. I hope the best. 🙏🙂

[Blessingsandlove]

I know how you are feeling. I have been feeling the same way. I have been questioning my purpose and reason for existing. Nothing that I have tried has helped me feel better. I almost took my life a few days ago because I felt like I couldn't handle another day of feeling so sad and hopeless. My faith in God is the only thing that saved me. I'm fighting everyday to not give in to the negative thoughts. I pray that you will find the strength to keep fighting and that you will be free from all the negative and overwhelming feelings that are affecting your life. Don't give up. You are very important.

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to Blessingsandlove]

Thank you very much! I'm so thankful you didn't take your life. I'm glad God was able to help you through that. I pray God still helps you through it. I won't give up. God has never given up on me and even when I feel low I know deep down I can't give up either. Even when I really want to or my mind is clouded with depression and anxiety I still hope in God. If you need someone to talk too. I'm here if anything. It may take me time because I'm busy at times but I always reply and get back to people in messages. Thank you again for reaching out. 🙏

[mizzou7016]

Hoping you have a great day....thanks for the conversation yesterday.....enjoy today...1 breath at a time.....

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to mizzou7016]

Yeah I feel a bit better. Still got all my anxiety and fears in the back of my head but I'm trying to rise above it with prayer,hope and just accepting that things are what they are now but there is room that things can get better. Trust me that is taking everything to believe. My body still shaking right now with anxiety, it's not really bad shaking sensation but my mind still have the fears I dread everyday. But I'm trying to be strong. The Best I can anyway. Thanks for reaching out! 🙏

[mizzou7016 in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

I totally understand that...my anxiety is just about every day I come to "the city within the city." Is today the day I get to deliver my 1st dose of narcan. is today the day i get exposed and have to be given narcan. Is today the day I get stuck with a sharp object while conducting a search. Is today the day that I get attacked either verbally or physically over something as simple as a block of cheese. Have faith that things will be better....prayers and love

[Shield_Of_Faith in reply to mizzou7016]

I will Faith!Thank you.

God Bless.