I'm suffering and I really need someone to talk to. I honestly feel like my anxiety has won.

[cee_arria11]

(Venting) I honestly don't even know how I'm barely functioning to write this at all. I am new here I had originally posted something but I deleted it but I found this website through boys town national hotline because I'm looking for an outlet that I can honestly frustrate how I've been feeling.

I'm completely wiped out. My tears drenched my shirt. I no longer feel human. I feel like I'm a zombie who's just carrying all these unhealthy feelings and all I can do is find myself crying.

I officially have reached my breaking point that I don't even know if I can help myself get out of it this time.

I hate to even admit this but I'm honestly scared of myself and what's going to happen next. I want to so badly beat this but I am just sick and tired of feeling this way that I haven't slept for nearly 3 days due to it. I don't even know if that's healthy and if my body would shut down. I'm not eating so my legs tremble and my heart is racing that I can hear it loudly in my ears.

I've been struggling with depression, intrusive thoughts, and anxiety for as long as I can remember but it's been recent where my anxiety has spiked that I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't want to face this alone anymore! I cannot continue on carrying all this weight. The only person that absolutely cares about my well-being is my mom besides that there's NOBODY else. But even she doesn't know all the details to how I truly feel on the inside.

I have 2 siblings I don't even talk to. And every time that I tell my sister about it she grows distant. I don't even have any friends for support. No social life. I'm just at the crossroads. I feel like my misery is rubbing off on others.

I was trying so badly to get better, I really was and now I just got bad out of no where, all the progress that I was doing although slowly has taken 100 steps back.

The worst time of the hour is at night because that's when I'm alone and I'm scared to be by myself. To the point that I have negative associations with the night time because it's was never a good time for me mentally.

I was previously taking prescribed medication but then I stopped getting it because my insurance is inactive and the only source to medication that I could get was off the shelf sleeping pills and maybe some chamomile teas to go with it but at this point that's not working.

I was doing good and then out of nowhere my anxiety just triggered me and now I've gone without sleeping and here I am just suffering badly. I haven't seen the outside world that I've been in my room for months in the same dirty pajamas because I just have no motivation to get in the shower and you know what's worse? My hair was completely tangled that I cut it all off because I was just no longer taking care of myself that I just didn't feel like I no longer have an identity anymore because my anxiety took that. If you see my physical state I look terrible and I guess my family has been use to this because it's normal to see me like this. Even if it's true that doesn't mean that I have stopped hurting.

I'm literally spilling my guts out because I honestly have nothing to lose in hopes that maybe someone can reach out and just listen to me.

The only time I feel like somebody actually cares is when I call hotlines because they're obligated to listen because that's their job.

I grew up in a toxic environment where at a young age my mom became terminally ill & wheel chair bound and my mentally ill dad was addicted to alcohol and heroin and always came home verbally abusive (sometimes violent) yelling at my siblings & I every day. So with a sick mother and a father who although physically was there his presence wasn't felt. Therefore did not get the proper treatment that I needed at a young age unless emergencies. I was the youngest and I wasn't paid much attention to since my parents are so occupied in their own storms that they were battling.

So I didn't have the proper resources for my anxiety/depression until it's too late and

now in my early 20's at my final Breaking Point. I don't even know who I am anymore. I honestly don't even know what brings me happiness.

I just feel like a lost cause and if I would disappear absolutely no one would notice.

I'm just inconveniencing everyone with my issues at this point. Never felt more alone in my life than I do now.

I'm a mess and I can't even do something as simple as sleeping on my own without messing that up.

Maybe if I was gone there wouldn't be so much money my mom wastes on someone that isn't worth it anyway.

Tired of crying alone in my room every night. I'm tired of punching my legs til bruised and I'm tired of going days without sleep. I haven't been eating much and on top of that because of my anxiety my nerves are all over the place. My legs keep randomly twitching and spazzing.

I often times have the passing thought of suicide but I would never want my mom in pain with the idea of losing me.

I wanted to go to the ER once it was daytime but I don't know if there's anything they can honestly do.

I don't know if I can get back on my feet.

Has anyone suffered deeply and managed to accomplish successfully living their life? Although I'm self-sabotaging myself by contributing to my anxiety and depression. I still have the slightest bit of hope.

[Scott1951]

I am so sorry you are going through this and that you are so alone. What you describe makes me very concerned for you. I hope you will go to the ER if you think that might help. I am not a doctor, just a fellow sufferer like you, but it sounds like you also need ongoing help such as case management services to get you connected with local services (state outpatient mental health services) or ongoing hospitalization. Perhaps the ER can get you started in the right direction. Do you have a walk-in psychiatric crisis center or response team in your area? Is there a mental health association or similar organization that could help you access services? Perhaps 211 or a local hotline could direct you. I wish there was something more I could say to help. Please keep posting here. Don't give up.

[Hidden]

Hi, I’m glad you are here. You are not alone. I agree with Scott. Maybe going to the hospital is a good plan. They can help you make decisions you need to make. I also agree with Scott that a mental health association can help you with locating services (such as therapy). Please get help.

[Starrlight]

Cee, I am sorry you are suffering so much but glad that you are hanging on to hope because it can get better and I believe it will get better for you. You can take little steps forward; every little bit helps. How are you doing right now?

[Starrlight in reply to Starrlight]

P.s. you are not alone.

[rleaden]

You should go to the ER. You need to tell them everything as you did in your post. I am no doctor, only passing on my opinion of what I would do for myself. I hope you get the help you need. You are worthy .

[Momneedshelp]

Hi! Hope u r a little better today🌅 Plz don’t give up bc there is always a way to get better👍🏻

[Lostjoy]

I’m glad you came here and wrote out your feelings. That’s a good start to working through your issues.

I also agree that you need some help.

I’m not sure where you are, but I definitely think it would be beneficial for you to find a treatment center.

As suggested by others maybe the ER would be a good place to start. I don’t know how you feel about the whole hospital thing. I myself wasn’t comfortable with it, so I chose to try and overcome my issues by reaching out to others here, and studying self help books, meditation, and breathing.

Have you seen a dr? Or therapist at all?

I’m glad you still have hope. I was a mess for months but now I’m starting to see some light. I just want you to know that you can overcome this and feel better but it takes time and work.

There are lots of people on this site with good advice and usually always someone here to talk with.

Please keep coming back and sharing.

I hope you are ok.

[Starrlight]

How are you today?