Don't know what I'm feeling

[InBedallDay]

I just joined today. This is my first post. I've read some of the other posts and felt like I could really relate. 2 weeks ago I thought I was getting a cold. I always get a sore throat when I get a cold but I tested positive for COVID. It was my first time and I was really in denial about it. I'm fine. It was just a three day sore throat and then congestion until I tested negative. I was able to work from home because my symptoms weren't bad. I felt fine just the sore throat was all and drinking tea with honey always clears that up. I finally went back into the office yesterday and the time went by painfully slow. I had little to no energy even though I slept fine. I thought going back into the office would be good for me because I'd be around people again but I just felt like I was suffocating. I felt like I couldn't think straight. I had been able to stay caught up on work but as soon as we I got back I'm behind again. The thing is that I didn't go today because I just couldn't get out of bed. Hence the name. I was in bed all day. I slept on a pile of clean laundry I hadn't put away two days ago. I feel empty and tried to find something to make me feel a little better. That's how I found this place. I don't have the time to be calling off. My attendance isn't the best. I know they'll probably put me on a med cert from now on. If I call off I'll need a doctor's note if I say I'm not feeling well. Part of me doesn't care. I feel micromanaged at work. I was unemployed for nearly a year and a half. I applied to so many places and did so many interviews but never got hired until this place. I had my resume looked at and did some mock interviews were I was told I'm a good but still only this place hired me. They hire everyone because they have a low retention rate and it's no wonder. I'm trying to be better but I get so depressed and feel so hopeless sometimes. Like what's even the point. I'm not asking for perfection. I just want to be stable. I don't like these, I can't get out of bed days. I probably need a change in medication. I don't know. I just don't know how I feel. Like I'm distanced from my own emotions and I want to go on a spending spree to make myself feel better but I know it's not going to help. I know I need to help myself. No one else is going to do this for me but I feel lost. Where do I even start? I'm just frustrated with myself and everything around me. Funny thing is that I can't even trick myself into being nice to myself.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

Welcome to the forum and actually this is a great first start.

Sorry about the COVID. I had it last year and my first time too. It, too, was mild case. I just had to put with a cough for a month. But I think you may have "long haul" COVID. That's where even once you are better you feel sluggish still. And it also sounds like you have a little depression. Judging by the job situation. They (doctors) have said COVID can effect folks with mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

Sounds like you got a perfect storm. You got over COVID and now you find yourself in a situation you don't want to be in. Stuck in a job you really don't like.

You are doing a great thing by reaching out. Next is to look at your insurance and find a therapist or counselor. Someone to speak to about these issues. You can also try 211 United Way and they can get you in touch with local mental health services. Also with therapy you have to give it time. It's not fast acting. Takes 1-3 months to figure out if you found the right therapist for you. If not, it's perfectly okay to look for someone else that fits your needs.

And remember you are not alone in this!

Wishing you healing and peace 🫂❤️

[InBedallDay in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Thank you.

[Dolphin14]

Welcome to the community

When I first started reading it sounded to me that Covid was the issue, This goes much deeper as you've stated

If you need more time off you should get that note.

When you are feeling physically better it may be time to look at these issues and make decisions for quality of life

Wishing you the best

🐬

[6236]

May I ask if you are seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist?

[InBedallDay in reply to 6236]

I'm in "transition" with the psychiatrist and therapist. The company my insurance contracted with for MH suddenly closed one day. I literally got an email one day telling me they were sorry for the short notice but they had to close. I don't know what happened with them that they just closed without warning. I already had an appointment with the psychiatrist and have a follow up this weekend. I made an appointment with a therapist for next week. It just sucks having to restart everything all over again. This was long but I guess the short of it is yes.

[Sunrisetabby]

What do you want? Alternatively,what do you not want? Congratulations on getting and keeping a job. As you likely know, it is a lot easier to find another job when you currently have one. Do you have any ideas of what you would prefer to do? I think it is helpful to have big dreams. Yes, you need to take little steps, and getting out of bed is hard. But, lying in bed does not sound like what you want. Good luck!

[InBedallDay in reply to Sunrisetabby]

Thanks. I don't have big dreams. I'm fine just doing something simple. Well, simple to me anyway. One of my coworkers likes to say, We don't quit we let them fire us. She's my Positivity Cheerleader. I'm definitely staying there until I find something I'm more familiar with and no, being in bed all day isn't what I want at all. I know it's a process. Logically it's obvious that things won't get better in an instant but my brain doesn't know what logic is sometimes. I keep trying anyway.

[Beevee]

Keep going, even when you don't feel like it. Doing normal stuff shifts focus outwards and helps for normal feelings to return.

Secondly, its easier looking for another job when you already have one so stick with it until you find something better. Bare in mind how difficult it was to find a job in the first place.

Take care 🙂

[LoveforAll41]

Hi InBed, I often run away from my emotions and avoid them just sleeping. It just makes me feel worse about not being productive. I would encourage you to have some self-compassion, being sick, and working somewhere you don't like is very very difficult. I find for work woes it is nice to commiserate with coworkers who know how I feel.

I hate feeling trapped and hopeless, I think those are the hardest human emotions. You have been hired once, you can do it again... even if it is a sideways step into a different field or something into another place with low retention, a change might be good. Even a step down somewhere if you can afford it. I always recommend David Burns book "Feeling Great" to get out of anxiety and hopelessness and feeling empowered to act. I wish you peace, hope, and strength.☮️

[InBedallDay in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you for the recommendation. I'll look into it.