Hey people. I am new here. I just wanted to take a look, but now, maybe also ask you guys what you think. even if I am unsure if I really want to hear it.
I'll be honest from the start. I don't know if I have any of the conditions here. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was young and have recently picked up medical treatment again. So maybe that is also the reason I feel so funny lately.
Thing is, I have these nights lately, where sleep is just not an option. Only after one or two nights with little to no sleep, I can finally get a few decent hours. And I am tired of these days. Tired of going to work (actually liking my work at the moment) but feeling sooo tired. Of finishing my shift around 2pm and then, others ask if I have time, and I really want to make that time, because I have so very few friends, I don't want to push them away all the time. Some times they are all that keeps me going. But I am so exhausted. I go to work, because it was a challenge for me to even get this job, and actually liking it, is total jackpot. And I go, because I have to. But the rest of the day is just being exhausted and not able to rest.
So, why is that. Of course, the first thought coming to mind is, that I am thinking about my problems. Which I am. But, I had times, where my problems have been so much more acute and terrible than right now, and I didn't feel it to this extend. To the very core of my body. At least it seems like it.
I lay down, and want to sleep, but all this memories pop up, along with the matching feelings that rush through me and bam that's it. How can I sleep when my heart is pounding and I'm sweating because I remember my favorite boss has been treating me different that day, for example. Or when I remember stuff where I acted stupid (so many moments) and things I regret. Regret that I did a thing, but also regret things I didn't do. So I spend my nights trying to rest, but mostly lying, pounding heart, sweating, feeling cold. sometimes crying.
And all that, even though, at the moment, I have no real reason, I think. It's all so stupid. Because the really bad things (Will get to this later), that WILL catch up with me one day, I don't even think much about them lately. Which is a terrible mistake. I know. But it is what it is.
The only thing 'wrong' at the moment is my work I think. At least, that is what I am thinking most of the time. See, I've been to stupid to do alot of thing in my life. At least it feels like that to me. I get nervous, blackouts, can't remember stuff, na then I try, but fumble and fail and remember that for the next few years.
So now, I got this job, which wasn't hard to get in general. There is no qualification needed or anything. But for me it was hard to get because, well, I had to contact them. Had to force myself to stop thinking about the worst possible outcome. That people will laugh, or get angry, or talk to me in a way I can't respond to. That I won't be good enough to work there anyway.
Somehow I managed, probably because I just had to fill out an online form and they called me and asked me if I could start next week. I forced myself to go. And at first it was terrible! nervous, making mistakes because of that, and always SO afraid to make mistakes. But somehow I survived the first weeks and then I got to other stations, where I got better and one day I started at a station where the boss was constantly telling me how good I did my work. And from there on it was going uphill fast. He asked for me to be at his station almost all the time then and I felt more secure and even though I am so socially awkward, I managed to befriend him and suddenly everyone assumed we were in a relationship (And I don't do relationships, because then I'd have to spend so much time with another person and I am such a strange being. And maybe if I didn't like it I wouldn't have the guts to break up nad, well, for a lot of reasons) and things got good. We joked around about that, and had our fun with that. I was no longer a nameless, quiet, person at work and got more people to talk to. And things were awesome. It felt so good. To not be terrible. And to be told that my work is good.
And now, over a year later, things are still good. But not the same. Favorite boss still treats me good, but has been pulling back. Which is logical, our fake relationship is fun, but also holding him back in case he is really on the look out. And he has his own issues. I KNOW all that. But all I can think about is, what did I do wrong? Was I too much myself? Did I scare him off? And am I stupid to not try a real relationship, even though I KNOW we can be friends, but wouldn't survive each other on a dedicated relationship? I know that, still I feel terrible, and want the old contact and jokes back. And then I got to another work station, ironically, because my boss' boss was so happy with my work, and I fell into a deep hole. Because I hate the work and the quiet and the poeple and I miss those work friends I picked up over the year. It had me up at night and sometimes even crying at work. Which is so emberrassing. Because that is not a reason to get so depressed, right? It should have been an honor. The work was of more quality, that's why they usually don't send helpers like me over there, and the few poeple there are very thankful for every little thing I did and do. I have all the freedom. Can take breaks whenever I wanted and no one cared what I did, as long as results came along. I hated it. I hated these 3 month at the other station. Saw it as punishment and fretted that the others would forget about me all that. It stressed me out. In and out of work. And that is so redicilous. Isn't it? It is.
Now, with this new year, I am at least sometimes back at my old station. And even though fav boss is not the same to me anymore, I know he still likes to have me at his station, and complains to his boss when I am send to another. So it's not the same anymore, but better again. Now, I just feel stressed in the morning, sometimes wanting to be puke, because I am so nervous about which station it will be. The work-hell or my work-home (others are not really options, because favorite boss can save me from the others).
Now all this probably confusing text is, da or night, whenever I have a little piece and quiet, I get scared I have to go back to the station for good now. That I did mistakes at work and others are disappointed. Or that I did something stupid and the people will see how dumb I really are. And, did I clean up after my shift? did I look lazy? Did I work hard enough? Did I say something wrong? and I feel scared or nervous. Sometimes I even write fav boss to ask if I did something. And says I really need to chill out. And then I feel even more stupid and. so. on.
And when I have reaaaaaally good days. You know, work was good. the people were great to talk to. I was happy with my work. Then I remember, April, 15, my contract runs out and I have to leave for good. If I want to or not. What then? What will I do? What about the people I like so much? How soon will they don't even remember me? Because helpers come and go. And just because I have very good connections there now, more than other helpers, doesn't mean I am irreplacable. And that they are all so used to helpers leaving, they maybe don't even care.
And there goes another night. And, seriously, is that normal? Am I such a dumb person for being affected like this? And why do all these emotions come up again. I mean I've been so sad and angry and nervous about situation and dealt. Why do I have to feel them again and again and again.
And all that. It is even more redicilous compared to something else. My REAL problem. I don't want to make another huge text now, mainly because I have to get ready for work again soon, but also because I am sorry for dumping this on you guys and have to restrain myself not to delete this whole thing without posting. So, the short version of my stupid life problems:
Moved to another city to study at a university
Wasn't getting anywhere, because I could vivist lecture, but was too scared to talk to professors or any other people there.
Money was getting short, and of course I couldn't get a job like I had planned to, because I felt the need to throw up just thinking about calling a compny or hving to go to an interview or something.
couldn't pay health insurance, thay wrote that if I didn't contact them soon, they would cancel our contract. I couldn't contact them.
Uni wrote that health insurance saied I wasn't insured, so I really needed to contact uni about that. I couldn't.
No money, no rent. After much kindness from my landlord, which I didn't deserve, he had enough, and people came to kick me out. The guy doing the throwing was so kind, reassured my that there were social workers that could 100% help me. he gave me a number and the place where this worker was.
I didn't go to him, I was invited to a friend for her birthday. And no one of my family and friends knew about these things, still don't, so I didn't want to call attention to it, went back homewards, a 3 hour ride from the uni city, spend the night, pretended to have no worrys at the party, then told myself I had no choice. I needed to talk to the social worker. Calling was no option. wanted to throw up and felt like suffocating just thinking about it. So I made the three hour train ride back, went to this house. Searched for the office for over half an hour, too afraid to ask for directions. I found the office. I saw the guy, he looked alright. And I turned and left. I just left. My feet wouldn't take me too him. I got worked up thinking about the conversation. about not being able to explain why all this happened. about being laughed at. I don't know. 3 hours back. Told my family that they found mold in the house I lived in (which wasn't far fetched) so I had to move out. If I could come home. Because lying was easier. Was all that I could manage. That's it. That was about three years ago.
And now? the only things I managed was 1 to get in contact with my insurance. And only because I could do that in writing. And because I needed to have an insurance to visit the doctor again, to get my meds, got get work in the first place. 2 to contact my doc about ADD treatment, but I still haven't been able to explain my other problems to her. I just can't find the words. Or the courage. And 3 to get this easy job that means so much to me.
There is still this open bill with my landlord. Or maybe it's the problem of a court now. And they will come any time to collect me. I also had internet in my flat. I that will catch up with me one time, too. I know. But I can't bring myself do do something about it, which would be so much better than to wait for them. But I can't. my body, my mind, it all works against me.
Ok seriously. I am so sorry about this text. And if someone is still reading this, I don't even know if that nightly essay here makes sense, but I also don't dare to read it again. I won't post it then. I know that. So I'll just leave it here. say sorry for the text. And also for the many mistakes in it. English is not my first language. and I am tired and nervous and maybe crying a little. And also really have to get ready for work now. praying I'll be at my station.
Thank you for your time.
Hanna
I don't know what to do
what is wrong with me
I don't know what is going on with me. 
I don't know where to begin...
I don't know what is going on home
