OK SO I HAVENT WRITTEN ANYTHING BEFORE HERE GOES!!
I’m recovering from restrictive AN and I’m doing a lot better in terms of eating and I’m actively trying to gain weight now even though it’s a sneaky devious little disorder and it keeps trying to sneak back in!
But I just feel so low all the time now that my ED habits have gone it’s like I don’t know how to fill the hours. I’ve always put so much pressure on myself at school always aiming for top grades and working myself to the bone- we just had a set of exams which were HELL and I was an absolute mess trying to hold it together, I started b1ng3 eating and having meltdowns every night. So all my time and energy goes into revision basically.
And now I’ve finished the exams and I’m exhausted so the last couple of days have been nice to relax but the moment I don’t have plans or a schedule it’s like everything collapses and I’m alone again. I don’t know what to do with myself, I can’t really go anywhere because I can’t drive so then I start thinking about things and food and the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life- everything feels uncertain and unknown and out of my control and I know that’s how it’s supposed to be but it’s terrifying. It just feels like everyone has someone or something to cling to and I don’t, I’m aromantic which again was hard to come to terms with but it means I won’t have a relationship/someone to help me navigate things with/a second opinion or just someone to listen. It just feels like everyone’s going to move on without me and I’m dreading it it feels like I’m barely keeping afloat as it is. I’ve tried counselling which helped kind of connect the dots and having someone acknowledge that my feelings are hard but I just can’t see a future for myself when I’m so dependent and constantly craving validation. It feels like any habit I turn to becomes unhealthy and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m on beta blockers for anxiety, I can’t start antidepressants or anything until I’m old enough. I’m not sure if it’s worth registering for high intensity CBT, my counsellor did suggest it to me but I really don’t know. Any advice would be much appreciated <333
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GranolaLover023
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Hi GranolaLover and welcome to posting! I hope you get some good insights. I also have a habits that can turn into bad things problem. I exercise and feel good, but if I don't exercise I beat myself up 😬. Luckily I haven't used drugs but have a problem with binge eating. I remember days of thinking about nothing but food and the next meal and that was no life at all. Structure helped but it was not sustainable for me I don't think. I tried to do too much.
Anyway, I think that the key to getting over eating disorders is through the counselling/therapy and often rooting in getting to causes of anxiety and depression. That has been my experience at least.
You mentioned " I’ve always put so much pressure on myself at school always aiming for top grades and working myself to the bone" which is great but for me I lose worth as a human if I don't meet my arbitrary expectations. I dropped out of college and made it through a trade school still struggling mentally, and am back to doing college online. I like the saying C's or D's get degrees (I am not sure if the UK uses letter grading but the idea is that the lowest passing score will get you your degree) and am focusing on just passing classes and moving on now. I have had employment going for a while and more and more I learn that a degree just shows that you are willing to put in the work to learn how to do your job. Very rarely do I feel that schooling checks all of the boxes for the software and specific skills that you will use in a job. I think that a trade where I could learn doing an apprenticeship would be a nice way to learn.
What I am trying to get at is that our worth as humans is not tied to doing something or not doing something. Whether we have a degree or not, eat too much or none, can speak several language or are nonverbal, none of this affects our worth as humans. Knowing this makes it much easier for me to not have so much pressure to succeed.
I think it is common in therapy to identify some core values for yourself then in life you can identify where you may not be living them and identify the source of some angst. I often don't prioritize my value of compassion for myself and beat myself up instead of understanding and forgiving myself.
This may all be rambling but I think that therapy is great. Bring on the intensity I say. You may as well invest in it now and you can work on school whenever. We can do it when we are retired. I wish you peace, hope, and strength❤️☮️
Thank you so much for your kind words- this is so encouraging and helpful!! I wish you all the best, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this and I hope you’re in a better place now? But sending lots of love and strength, know that I’m so proud of you and for putting in all the hard work wherever you are!!
I really relate to what you said about academic standards, I was wondering if you’ve managed to find any more positive hobbies/distractions from work/exercise I could try? I feel that it’s like I wanna constantly be busy and feel productive but everything I do is just destructive in some way.
For me it is kind of a knife edge that you can fall off. Exercise: too much, beat yourself up for not, be exhausted? Eat: too much, none, beat yourself up for eating something "bad" (and of course don't label foods). Read, too much, none, beat yourself up for reading a novel instead of nonfiction 😜
I have found that I do not do well with a strict schedule. There is too much room for "failure" if I don't match it to the moment.
I have to consciously schedule something for fun, and go even if I don't feel like it that day. Golf has actually been really good for me this past year. I schedule with people which holds me accountable, and it costs money which I hate but gets me invested in doing it.
I think that there is so much to do and learn and be curious about in the world. The biggest thing was accepting that we all have worth that we cannot add to or detract from (which I find easier to believe about others before myself). This means that our grades good or bad, or being productive all of the time does not matter! Eureka! What a load off. I don't know if being aromantic would affect how you form friendships, but I would see if you can't get some good pals around that don't take academics so seriously. It is great to do well in studies, but not everything. I had friends that were on the other end of myself and they were good to have around. I did make the mistake of trying to get top marks and go to all of the social events with them, play on the club lacrosse team, train for a marathon... too much for me. Nothing was fun and missing anything I felt lowered my worth. Sleep is so important for me. Anyway, my answer is to do some things that are not for getting betting marks, or making money, but just for enjoyment! Take a nap in the sun, try to learn piano, read a fictional book, see a stupid movie, listen to a podcast about ping pong, volunteer at an animal shelter, fly a kite, volunteer at a school, go to this intense therapy thing and see how it goes!
I went to an inpatient place last year when I was rather suicidal and it was great. I was restless to get back to being "productive" by the end but I learned a lot about myself.
Sorry for the long response, I am putting of cramming for an exam in a few hours 😅
As far as your question goes " I was wondering if you’ve managed to find any more positive hobbies/distractions from work/exercise I could try?"
I think that it would be important that they not be distractions for you but become some self-care, self-time that is very intentional. A scheduled bath with a bubble bomb, trying a new sushi restaurant, joining a group for eating disorders, the possibilities are endless. I think just something that gives you a bit of perspective on life is not all academics and there is more going on. Maybe donating time with the homeless or something.
I feel like you are pretty young and there is a lot of time to learn and do stuff. Enjoy existing, or at least have peace in existing. I would really try to have some self-compassion and treat yourself like you would your best friend. When my friends would sleep in and miss class I wouldn't judge them, but marvel about how they could keep going without feeling so bad for it. You know what? They all have their degrees and I don't 😁 I am not saying you are on the path I was on but we are all human and can't demand perfection of ourselves. Again, sorry for the long response, I also feel that sometimes I respond and it lowers the appearance of the thread for other posters so I hope that is not happening here. ☮️
This is literally so helpful you’re a life-saver (literally😂) thank you infinitely!! everything you’ve said is so relatable, and I think you’re right about kind of finding another headspace outside of academia- you might get this too but I find that it’s so easy to just get worked up and fixate on one tiny part of life (e.g: food) when there’s really so much more to it
And yeah you’re so right I feel like no one’s old enough to try to be trying to figure everything out let alone me, in my case it just feels like there’s a lot of big decisions to make (applying to uni etc) but it’s reassuring just having this acknowledgment of difficult situations, and knowing you made it to uni by the sounds of it too!!
Firstly well done for turning things around & for being so honest in ur first post & I applaud ur honesty.
U seem to have what I call the racing brain. Now me personally I try to read books I enjoy or even listen to a book on audible too. I play many games that makes me think , but U've sort of been doing that with revision.
I suppose its a case of finding what U enjoy & for tiredness I actually watch one of my favourite movies as I know that relaxes me & helps me drop off to sleep, another thing I do is listen to rain & meditate sounds & songs to help calm me down , I have hundreds of sleep tunes , I also listen to old time radio shows from the 40s to modern day shows on radio 4. At Christmas time I quite enjoy listening to A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. Of course at Christmas time they tend to show every version of the movie version or animated version.
It's a case of finding what helps U feel good & calm. Also be selfish about it too as ur wellbeing both physical & mental are very important & this time of the year some people don't ask for help to get that feel good & people should be honest enough to say they struggle & thankfully in this group there are many wise people that can help U & all I offer are suggestions which hopefully gives U idea's.
Yeah I’ve been told by a lot of people that my mind races😂 My counsellor suggested I might be on the spectrum which could have something to do with it I guess?
I just overthink every tiny encounter, drive myself and others insane with worry and just wish I hadn’t said anything/burdened anyone in the first place. I guess it’s just difficult trying to know what’s a normal/expected way for me to react to a situation as in how much of things are in my control and acknowledge that I don’t need to make things mean so much. It just feels like everything goes straight to me and compliments/praise bounce right off me.
But thank you for suggesting some healthier habits! You’re right it’s great to have this here as a support network. I’ll definitely look into some podcasts, I feel like they could be really helpful
One thing I can tell U is stop worrying about things U have no control over as this takes up FARRRRRR too much mind space & not only stresses U out the outcome is dependent on someone else.
This way U can work on the things U can control & spend quality time on putting things in place so that U are better placed to deal with it.
Yes it's very hard to let go but the changes U need to make come from U & I know there plenty wonderfully amazing people that can help U or even just to put a smile on ur face. But permanent change comes from within & only we can change ourselves even if its to fit in with others it's us who change ourselves , but U always find eventually U dislike who U became for someone else. So U change U for U only.
We all have dips, even the very best of us but here I hope U find that it's a safe place to be open & honest & lay ur cards out & help is on its way from good friends. I say this as I've been helped by some brilliant people here & always will be for me.
So concentrate on those things U can change & work on a plan that becomes ur go to for the fastest & happiest way to relax.
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