Feeling something and then nothing

[Scatteredtulips]

I had a decent weekend. Friday was a rocky start to it, emotional and not in a good headspace. On my way to work Saturday morning I talked to someone on the suicide hotline. I just needed to clear my head of what I was thinking and needed someone to reason with me to stay here. I needed to know that I should see Sunday, and Monday, and my 20th birthday and so on. It was so helpful to talk to someone on that hotline. They were just as helpful and kind as all of you. It was just nice to have that voice heard..it helped me a lot.

Today I have been a little indifferent, I guess. Not feeling happy, nor sad. Kind of that numbness I’ve been going through these past days. I think it’s because I know I’ve got to try harder to heal and better myself but I’m holding myself back.

I know the things I need to do or add into my day, etc. but it seems I’m too hesitant or nervous to take the step. I feel stupid to try them. Like affirmations, telling myself I’m worthy of life, that I have value that I’m beautiful. All of that. It feels wrong to say them or think them, and I know it’s because that’s how I’ve thought since I was a child, that’s how the trauma shaped my mindset. But I can’t get through that feeling of it feeling sickening and wrong for me to feel good and happy.

I don’t know how to combat that. I don’t know what to really do to get over that stupid mind game I’m creating.

[AnIslandOfPeace]

I honestly don't know what to say to make you feel better because we're kinda in the same boat but I do know things will get better. We just gotta be alive when it gets better because if we aren't, then it was all for nothing. I hope you begin to understand that you're worth more than you feel, love. Stay safe, stay strong, stay alive. ❤️

[Scatteredtulips in reply to AnIslandOfPeace]

Honestly, it just feels good to know someone’s there with me. Thank you for the love😌 You take care as well❤️

[CanuckAnon]

I am so happy you reached out... indifferent is ok. It’s not bad😊 there is nothing wrong with daily affirmations... I use you can do this... quite often daily. If it helps go for it... stop being so hard about healing on a timeline... some days are good says other not so good days. You can’t always control everything..

Have you tried relaxing? Have you tried a bath? Cup of tea?

You do have value. Every life has immense value. Treating yourself with respect and love is never wrong. Let the positive in... clear away the negative even just for a little while... 😊☀️🌷

[Scatteredtulips in reply to CanuckAnon]

Always know just what to say don’t you? You’re so right. I’m restricting myself to a timeline. Healing is not on a schedule. It comes with time. And I ought to try a bath, I’m sure I could use that time. 😌

[glitterbug85]

First, we are all worthy of love, which includes you 💙 In the beginning those affirmations do feel wrong and they can feel very misplaced. But the more often you do it, the less out of place it will seem. I had the same view when I first started. It's also really hard to be in a 'happy space' when that happy space feels so uncomfortable because it's so new to us, but as time goes by, you will become more accustomed to it.

Maybe try small doses at a time and run with those small amounts for a few weeks and then slowly increase it. When I have days where I feel neither here nor there (that numbness), I take a book and I just keep reading. I might do 10 mins of exercise and eat a piece of chocolate to boost me into a state of feeling. I hope this helps 💜 Stay strong x

[Scatteredtulips in reply to glitterbug85]

I have to give it time. That’s a running theme here I see! Small doses will be my friend with this adjustment. This helped a great deal. Thank you😊

[Hidden]

I am really glad that you found some help in the suicide hotline and you are finding a sense of connection on this site. Please know that feelings are not constant; and it's okay to feel the way that you do. With practice, the self-care and self-love will get easier and feel more natural. Keep doing them, as often as you can. Sometimes all I knew to do was to go to work and work. And that's all I did for years. And one day I turned over in bed and noticed the stars. I believe it had been a decade since I had noticed the stars. I slowly began to have hope again... it took awhile. One thing I never stopped doing even though I did not have an intimate partner, or many close friends, was to have human touch: I never gave up massages, had one-on-one yoga lessons. With this "social distancing" I try not to think of the lack of human touch because I truly believe that it is what is contributing to deaths. Keep making connections with whatever it is that keeps you going: you; nature; this site; etc.

[Scatteredtulips in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for this. I definitely needed to hear this