Working on Myself: I must admit it’s... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Working on Myself

perkofawallflower profile image

I must admit it’s really hard to admit we have flaws or things that we need to work on. This weekend was kind of a wake up call on my end. I let my boyfriends actions upset me and make me think that he was choosing his ex wife over me by not following through with what he said he would do. I realized I was interpreting the situation as him choosing her over me because he didn’t do what he said so my mind went straight to he must not love or care about me. I took his actions very personally. I should have sought clarification from him. I know I need to work on not taking things personally, my self confidence, accept that people make mistakes and won’t handle situations like I would and that’s okay, and that I do play the victim sometimes. I can also be petty at times and I am so mad at myself for making him “pay” all weekend for his mistake he made. I said I forgave him but I don’t feel I really did. If I had I would have moved on and not let it get to me. I feel like I wasted my whole weekend being mad at him and I only see him every 7 days. I let her actions and his response to her actions upset me and I was so mad all weekend. I should have let it go and been the bigger person who rose above and not let her get to me. I always ruminate and run conversations through my mind or ruminate about how annoying her text messages are. I know it’s the way she is. I need to accept the situation for what it is. I get so angry sometimes that my boyfriend and I have to deal with her texting Him all the time with her personal problems and yelling at him when he doesn’t respond right away. I am like Shante, you need to not let her ruin your time with your boyfriend that’s what she wants. She is trying to push my buttons and I let her 😞😞😞 now that I am aware I can start working on these things.

17 Replies

I wouldn’t read her text messages...bad food for thought! Remove yourself from her...she’s not your problem! 🌹🌞🌹

perkofawallflower profile image
perkofawallflower in reply to

He talks about them to me, I don’t read his phone. I asked how he wanted to handle her and he said if he feels like he needs advice he will let me know what she’s saying and then he asks for my advice. I don’t mind helping out and being a support person. If it gets to be too much, I let him know it’s bothering me. When we are hanging out, she blows up his phone with texts so I hear the notification. I want to tell him sometimes to turn off his phone but I never would because if something happens to his daughter she needs to be able to get in contact with him. It’s really a catch 22 with her.

I have an idea. He can block her when she is blowing up his phone. She knows he has an in with him because of the daughter. Can someone else be the middle man in case there is an emergency? She can call that person and then they call your boyfriend? That way you get some peace and quiet. I hope that made sense.

I know exactly what you mean. His family doesn’t like her at all, so I would say get a hold of his mom or sister but she’s hurt his entire family with her behavior and how mean she is. She is like a wrecking ball to everyone she crosses. She has no friends which is why she’s upset that he said he won’t be her emotional support anymore. She’s like who will I talk to now. I can bring up the idea to him to see what works but I don’t think he wants to have someone else even deal with her in that type of way as a middle man because how she is.

Does it bother him that she texts so much? If he leans on you at his leisure but then withholds at his leisure too that’s him bringing insecurity into your relationship. Sounds like a lot of push and pull for you to emotionally navigate. Maybe if he has a dilemma with her and complains to you about it listen to him but confidently respond with distance about it. Ex...’that sounds hard for you. What are you going to do about it?’ If it dampens your time together plan to do something enjoyable for yourself apart from him while he sorts out his own stuff. Doesn’t sound like you want to continue this way although I do commend you for catching yourself and working on your part for your own health. Just don’t let him passively suck you in to a mothering role with him. There’s nothing sexy about all. He needs to know that. You’re worth some undivided attention. Don’t settle for less.

That makes a lot of sense. I can’t do this for him. He has to do it himself. It seems like sometimes he sticks to boundaries other times he doesn’t. Which when he doesn’t is when he comes to me and tells me that she bothering him. I usually ask well did you respond back to her. He usually says yes when it bothers him. I have been in a relationship like that, so I tell him what’s worked for me in the last, is not responding at all. He told me he felt responding would get her off his back. I guess I am just worn down with what’s going on in my life, and I feel so sucked into all her drama and I let it get to me. I like him a lot and want to be with him. I guess I should just tell him, I want to be here to support you, but I can’t sacrifice my own mental health, and let him know he needs to deal with her. I guess I am thinking why complain about her if you keep responding back to her texts messages obviously it’s not getting the outcome you want.

I hope it resolves soon. Keep us updated. You deserve emotional safety and care in a romantic relationship.

wow...that was so profoundly right on....I'm in awe of your insight....very well said.

What great insight you have. It is hard, isn't it? This has nothing to do with you. She is not pushing your buttons. She is ill. She hasn't gotten past the pain with your boyfriend. I imagine she must suffer from anxiety. You are well on your way to victory in this situation. I have seen you grow and change in just the 2 weeks I have been on here. Great job!

He said she was clinically diagnosed with bipolar and has been off meds since their daughter was born. Apparently she never got back on them after the pregnancy. I can tell that she has some issues and when he tells me about what she says, I can tell she’s hurting and then she takes it out on him. It seems she has a hard time letting go and she likes to be in control. I am trying to be as sympathetic towards her as possible but it’s bad sometimes when she behaves the way she does and how poor and inappropriate her boundaries are.

Hey, life is sometimes lived by looking backwards isn't it??? Man, is it. You learned something- that is what is important.

Yes hindsight is 20/20

I can understand how upsetting that can be. I get hard on myself as well when I let things or a person get to me that I shouldn't. I want to override those feelings and let no one take my joy away. It can be a process. Sounds like your boyfriend need to set some boundaries with his ex. Hope all works out. Take care

Thanks so much and he has set boundaries now he just needs to follow through with them.

I meant hard sometimes not bad

You seem pretty self aware to me and I admire your resolve to improve your relationship.I think your ability to recognize when your feelings are getting the better of you are wonderful.

Thank you 🤗🤗🤗🤗

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