Relationship issues...

my partner suffers with anxiety and depression.

i've managed to ruin his trust for me, again.

long story short - a guy appeared to show interest to me on insta and i responded with a laughing face (why did i do that??)

then an old friend messaged me and i asked if him and his friends wanted to meet me and my friends (also his old friends) in our town on a night out. i simply thought it would be good to catch up with an old friend and at the time (probably because i'd had alcohol) didnt think sam would mind. he and his friends didnt come anyway.

however, i forgot about these conversations (i have a memory like a sieve) so when he asked me over the weekend if any lads had messaged me and i had said "not that i can think of" but when he looked through, there was those messages. so he now thinks i was lying about it.

He wasn't happy that i'd tried to arrange this catch up (his mother also agreed with him and told me she would of ended it with me) because he didnt know this guy, so i think thats where there was an undersight on my part.

when we first got together, i didn't realise how how serious we were and was messaging another guy and this has brought up the memories and the arguements from that too.

How do i now work on gaining his trust again? How do i prove to him there was no intention on my part? Appreciate any insight, even if it's something that i won't want to hear.

[Hidden]

As long as you explained things to him like you did to us, he should understand. Yes, he may be hurt but you cannot live your life scared you will do and say things that will make him not trust you. You are allowed to have friends even if those friends are guys. Trust is something that goes both ways. You should trust him, and he should trust you. All you can do is talk to him about what happened. Explained that the person you were chatting with was a friend maybe ask your boyfriend if he would like to maybe meet your friend. Let him know that you did not mean anything other than friendship for your friend. But at the end of the day trust is important. If you have to always be worried about what you do and what you say around him then that's not healthy. You both have to be honest with each other and aways talk about any and all problems that come up.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

thanks for responding - everything you say is correct for sure. i kind of feel like, now though if he did meet him he'd already have a pre-conception about him and he would be hostile, and i would be anxious about his behaviour. trust is very important, and im not entirely sure i was completely wrong with my actions or not or if there was a slight over reaction on his part (which he has already admitted to and apologised for). but yeah i think communication is something we, especially me, need to work on

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

We can all only do the best we can. I would suggest couples counseling. Really talk about everything that is happening in your relationship. If I am worried about him being hostile in any way, I would rethink the relationship. I have seen what that does to a relationship, and it gets worse as times goes by. Plus, with his mom causing problems in your relationship, you need to really express how that makes you feel. Life is short and we need to find happiness not more stress and worry.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

couple's counselling also crossed my mind so i think i will suggest that to him. it's definitely time for both of us to really have a think about ourselves as people. yeah we have actually had this conversation previously where he's actually had to stick up for me to his mum, which worries me that she has actually planted the damn seeds in the first place. you're right, i've said this to him prior to this due to things that have happened in our town around us and that we need to really make the most of every minute of every day!

[Hidden]

Great advice from Faith. I'd just like to add that maybe you can set a goal for yourself to make your boyfriend know that he holds a special place in your heart. One of my goals this summer has been to spend lots of time with my husband, while most importantly being "present" when with him (as opposed to being in my head). This hasn't gone quite as planned due to personal issues, but at least I made it a goal. And I will keep making it a goal.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

oh i love this, this is so sweet! hope you manage to hit your goal though which im sure you will

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, I'll get there. Thanks for your support🙂

[compasnet]

You seem caring and empathetic. He should appreciate you and your honesty.

[Hidden in reply to compasnet]

thanks so much, i appreciate this. unfortunately, he doesn't think im honest because i didnt tell him about the messages

[compasnet in reply to Hidden]

That doesn't make you dishonest, it makes HIM wrong, not you. You're a special person and should be treated special like the special person you are.

[Hidden in reply to compasnet]

thank you!

[DodgeDhanda]

Hi W.

Yes be honest with & be 100% with it however if he decides that this has happened more than once & if I trust her how long before she does it again!!!

I can see both sides of the figurative coin here , where U be honest but he already has issues that run far deeper than any of us know. Now suffering as ur other half does , it was bad in the early years & I had girlfriends that turned out to be liars & after an ex wife & 3 ex gf I shut everything down due to trust & we all always trust those closest to us.

Now me I shut down & worked on me & becoming more knowledgeable about why & how I suffered. Still learning btw.

The unfortunate part to ur situation is his MOTHER & how much she influences him ? Also if he gives U another chance , his mother won't, she may accept u for her sons sake & happiness but she's a woman & so is suspicious.

All U can do is be completely honest with him & be prepared for both outcomes. If he accepts ur truth then remember communication is very important for U & more for him as if U plan a girlie night out discuss it with him first & be honest & he will love you more for being honest to him than not & it will build his confidence too & say in a 4 weekend month U can do a 3:1 thing where ur with bf 3x as much & the girlie night out may be just once every 2 to 3 months. Now as to win his momma over family meals or gatherings. Plan something for ur bf with his momma.

Whatever the outcome remember the truth is the truth & can't be twisted.

[Hidden in reply to DodgeDhanda]

thank you i appreciate your honesty! after reading i've questioned whether subconciously i've not told him because of his anxiety or how he reacts? because i've never deemed my actions to have any intent to cause any hurt towards him.

maybe i should also shut down and work on myself.

she influences him greatly. it's pretty much always just been the two of them and he regards her opinion very highly. ive also queried whether this will be an issue of her no longer accepting me.

thanks again!

[DodgeDhanda in reply to Hidden]

I apologise if my comments brought up the dark side of anxiety & depression & it's just unfortunate it does take hold to the that, what U feel is a little white lie is still a lie & I know I've done it before & took it to heart & shut down & shut everyone out for a long time & a few I thankfully still am without but I realised they were the type that would empty their trash into my world kick it about & leave without asking about me.

Again all U can do is be honest & let's hope there is part of his heart that belongs to U & if that's the case please always do what's best for U both as he as from what U've said would talk to his mom for guidance.

As for working on urself we should do that all the time but I only realised all that I know after my breakdown & that why when I talk to others that either suffer or are in a bind with someone who suffers , I describe how it was for me & how I reacted & again I just hope that there is that bit of his loving heart had you in there & U can WITH communication & work as a team make it work & a suggestion if I may try taking him out for a intimate meal after a painting class or pottery class or cookery where a little mess can bring joy. As men we enjoy the simple things more than complications but we do like the odd treat.

Another suggestion if i may.

If you feel you can't talk to him , then write him a letter letting him Everything in it & what & how what happened & how U feel sorry for it all & if he is important to you then tell him that too & the bonus is the letter can be seen by his mom & she may understand how you dropped the ball innocently & help him to say don't worry & then work on ur relationship with him even if he thinks a break is in order still ask about his issues as we can't just turn off after a break up we're only human.

I will send a message to the universe asking for it to help you & him & his momma too fingers crossed 🤞