So the facts of my life at this moment:Last night I literally broke into a lock box to get to my medications so I would have the choice to live or die while in a state of extreme mental distress. (Its a cheap lock box but it was way easier to bust into than I thought.)
I hate myself. And that is not something I can change overnight. That is something that takes lots of time and therapy.
I only find happiness externally, mostly in my boyfriend. Which stems from self loathing, which neither can be changed over night.
I am in a precarious situation. Mentally I'm a pendulum that is swinging everywhich way everyday. I have atleast one mental break down a day in the span of the last 2 weeks.
The reason for that mental instability is kind of up in the air, or more specifically, it could be multiple things. I had to switch a major medication 3 weeks ago. I did a direct switch between 2 meds and since then I've been super depressed or easy to be triggered into depression and overthinking. Or maybe its just all of my issues rearing their head all at once triggered by the medication switch and triggers. Or maybe both. Probably both. But neither can be fixed over night. So I'm struggling in figuring out what to do.
Will weekly therapy be enough to get me through to being fairly stable again?
Do I need to be in a facility again where I have nothing else to do but cooperate and have therapy forced down my throat?
And what about work, can I manage 32+ hours a week while I'm like this? I don't know how long I will be like this.
Should I try for FMLA and try to get through a few weeks of work while I try to get it all approved?
And what about my boyfriend? He needs me just as much as I need him. He hurt me with 2 betrayals in the span of 4 years but I can't leave. It's not his fault I can't leave, it's my own and again something I can't fix over night. But an obstacle we have is that he can't be without me for even one night before crumbling himself.
How do I make it through this? What steps can I take while I'm mentally ok to prevent killing myself when I fall? What long term things would be most effective in helping me? What can I/should I do to feel ok again?