So the facts of my life at this moment:Last night I literally broke into a lock box to get to my medications so I would have the choice to live or die while in a state of extreme mental distress. (Its a cheap lock box but it was way easier to bust into than I thought.)
I hate myself. And that is not something I can change overnight. That is something that takes lots of time and therapy.
I only find happiness externally, mostly in my boyfriend. Which stems from self loathing, which neither can be changed over night.
I am in a precarious situation. Mentally I'm a pendulum that is swinging everywhich way everyday. I have atleast one mental break down a day in the span of the last 2 weeks.
The reason for that mental instability is kind of up in the air, or more specifically, it could be multiple things. I had to switch a major medication 3 weeks ago. I did a direct switch between 2 meds and since then I've been super depressed or easy to be triggered into depression and overthinking. Or maybe its just all of my issues rearing their head all at once triggered by the medication switch and triggers. Or maybe both. Probably both. But neither can be fixed over night. So I'm struggling in figuring out what to do.
Will weekly therapy be enough to get me through to being fairly stable again?
Do I need to be in a facility again where I have nothing else to do but cooperate and have therapy forced down my throat?
And what about work, can I manage 32+ hours a week while I'm like this? I don't know how long I will be like this.
Should I try for FMLA and try to get through a few weeks of work while I try to get it all approved?
And what about my boyfriend? He needs me just as much as I need him. He hurt me with 2 betrayals in the span of 4 years but I can't leave. It's not his fault I can't leave, it's my own and again something I can't fix over night. But an obstacle we have is that he can't be without me for even one night before crumbling himself.
How do I make it through this? What steps can I take while I'm mentally ok to prevent killing myself when I fall? What long term things would be most effective in helping me? What can I/should I do to feel ok again?
Written by
GhostKitty
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Definitely talk to your doctor ASAP concerning your medication. Sounds like there were several changes in a short amount of time and as Catlover stated part of how you are feeling could be from the meds. I would definitely consider FMLA to give you time to adjust to meds and hopefully get more stable. Feeling As you do I would strongly consider being hospitalized. As far as your relationship with your boyfriend, IMO you need to solely focus on getting yourself better and taking care of your own needs first. If you are feeling like you want to harm yourself, please call 288 or 911 and consider going to the hospital . (Question, why did you have to break into your lock box for your meds? Do you not have control of it? Just curious).
Since I was hospitalized about a week ago, we had to come up with a safety plan in the hospital for me to be able to go home. And part of that plan was no access to my meds. So the plan is that weekly my bf will open the lock box and supervise me as I fill a weekly pill container, then lock it back up. Since that incident of breaking into it, we have bought a much sturdier lock box that needs a key to get into it. He will keep the key with him at all times.
How much time do you spend outside everyday? ( you should get outside at least one hour every day.)
How is your dietary habits? Do you eat nutritiously? (Make sure to cut out Pop, sugary drinks, candy, sweets, alcohol... Eat more healthy; fruits veggies, dairy, grains, water...)
How much exercise do you do on a daily basis? ( going for a walk, bike ride, stretching, even housework is considered exercise today )
Do you ever get out and volunteer? ( helping at a nursing home, maybe coaching little league, reading to kids at the library, helping at the Salvation Army, or serving food at the local homeless shelter...?
Helping others is a great way to help heal your own needs.
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