Sorry, but this is going to be extremely long and all over the place. I find that venting and writing out what I'm going through in my current situation is helpful, so please bear with me.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression ever since I can remember (I'm almost 20 now). On Sunday, my boyfriend broke up with me for what seems like absolutely no reason. Everything seemed to be going perfect and we both seemed to be happy. Then, I got a text out of nowhere saying that he thinks we should take a break to better ourselves. He said that he needs to work on his personal problems (he has anxiety and depression as well) and find himself, and that it's too hard to make a relationship work under those circumstances. He said that I should be focusing on school right now, since I'm going to be graduating from nursing school in 2 years. He said that he doesn't want to burden me with his problems on top of my own personal issues and school. Since we left on good terms, we agreed to stay friends and we both expressed that maybe we could try having a relationship again in the future once things are better for each of us. That was the end of our conversation on Sunday.
He's been nothing short of amazing to me and I know he has my best interests at heart, but I feel like we should have had a conversation before breaking things off. I know my limits and what I can and cannot handle. I've gotten control of my life and school within the past few months, so I'm fairly confident that I could handle adding his issues into the mix. I texted him for the first time since the break up this morning (Tuesday) explaining all of this and my feelings and questions in a letter, but he hasn't responded yet even though it shows that he's read the message. I know that he needs some space and I've been trying to give it to him, but I also need answers because the break up was completely unexpected.
I just feel so empty and alone right now. He was my first boyfriend and one of my only friends. I only talk to a few people on a daily basis and those include my mom, my grandma, my one and only close friend who's also a nursing student, and him. I've been trying to stay focused on my studies and keep my mind distracted, because I can already feel the anxiety and depression creeping up on me again and I'm scared of what could happen if I let my mind start to wander.
I've never been on medication for my anxiety or depression before because I've been able to (somewhat) manage it with more holistic therapies such as yoga, meditation, essential oils, natural supplements (l-Theanine), diet changes, etc. Recently (since a few weeks before the break up), I've noticed that my anxiety and depression have started to become more noticeable and harder to manage. Part of it probably has to do with it nearing the end of the semester and the stress of finals coming up soon. Even though the holistic therapies are still (kind of) working, I'm starting to have anxiety attacks more often than I used to. I was trying so hard to stick to holistic therapies as a way of managing it because I was afraid of becoming too dependent on medication. However, I'm realizing now that starting medication may be beneficial for me in the long run. I called my doctor this morning to set up an appointment, but she said that I need to try therapy first before she would even think about prescribing medication and then I would still be required to attend therapy while on the medication. I'm thinking about switching doctors because she's been pushing me to do therapy for the past couple of years, but I really don't want to go to therapy and I think it would do more harm than good in my situation. I have severe anxiety attacks just thinking about having to meet in person and talk to a stranger all about my issues. I'm the kind of person who bottles up everything until they have a break down and I just know that as soon as I tried to start talking about my issues, I would just start crying and not be able to stop.
I just feel so empty, confused, and alone right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.