Help me! I don't know what to do!

[stowne19]

Sorry, but this is going to be extremely long and all over the place. I find that venting and writing out what I'm going through in my current situation is helpful, so please bear with me.

I've suffered from anxiety and depression ever since I can remember (I'm almost 20 now). On Sunday, my boyfriend broke up with me for what seems like absolutely no reason. Everything seemed to be going perfect and we both seemed to be happy. Then, I got a text out of nowhere saying that he thinks we should take a break to better ourselves. He said that he needs to work on his personal problems (he has anxiety and depression as well) and find himself, and that it's too hard to make a relationship work under those circumstances. He said that I should be focusing on school right now, since I'm going to be graduating from nursing school in 2 years. He said that he doesn't want to burden me with his problems on top of my own personal issues and school. Since we left on good terms, we agreed to stay friends and we both expressed that maybe we could try having a relationship again in the future once things are better for each of us. That was the end of our conversation on Sunday.

He's been nothing short of amazing to me and I know he has my best interests at heart, but I feel like we should have had a conversation before breaking things off. I know my limits and what I can and cannot handle. I've gotten control of my life and school within the past few months, so I'm fairly confident that I could handle adding his issues into the mix. I texted him for the first time since the break up this morning (Tuesday) explaining all of this and my feelings and questions in a letter, but he hasn't responded yet even though it shows that he's read the message. I know that he needs some space and I've been trying to give it to him, but I also need answers because the break up was completely unexpected.

I just feel so empty and alone right now. He was my first boyfriend and one of my only friends. I only talk to a few people on a daily basis and those include my mom, my grandma, my one and only close friend who's also a nursing student, and him. I've been trying to stay focused on my studies and keep my mind distracted, because I can already feel the anxiety and depression creeping up on me again and I'm scared of what could happen if I let my mind start to wander.

I've never been on medication for my anxiety or depression before because I've been able to (somewhat) manage it with more holistic therapies such as yoga, meditation, essential oils, natural supplements (l-Theanine), diet changes, etc. Recently (since a few weeks before the break up), I've noticed that my anxiety and depression have started to become more noticeable and harder to manage. Part of it probably has to do with it nearing the end of the semester and the stress of finals coming up soon. Even though the holistic therapies are still (kind of) working, I'm starting to have anxiety attacks more often than I used to. I was trying so hard to stick to holistic therapies as a way of managing it because I was afraid of becoming too dependent on medication. However, I'm realizing now that starting medication may be beneficial for me in the long run. I called my doctor this morning to set up an appointment, but she said that I need to try therapy first before she would even think about prescribing medication and then I would still be required to attend therapy while on the medication. I'm thinking about switching doctors because she's been pushing me to do therapy for the past couple of years, but I really don't want to go to therapy and I think it would do more harm than good in my situation. I have severe anxiety attacks just thinking about having to meet in person and talk to a stranger all about my issues. I'm the kind of person who bottles up everything until they have a break down and I just know that as soon as I tried to start talking about my issues, I would just start crying and not be able to stop.

I just feel so empty, confused, and alone right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Funkyfaerie]

Hi,

I am not a young person, but we all at some time have felt like you do over a break up, especially with a first boyfriend.

You said you text him....don't any more for a little while, I know how hard it us and your heart is breaking. But don't be needy, it scares people away.

As you both said maybe when the time is right you'll get back together again....it happened to me like that.

Get your therapy, take everything offered, talk to your Mum and your Grandad and get through those exams.

Isn't that what your boyfriend said? You both need to sort yourselves out and get through school first.

xx

[stowne19 in reply to Funkyfaerie]

Thank you. The only reason I sent him that text was because several people that I've been talking to suggested that maybe I would feel a little better if I just got my feelings out in the open and asked him the questions that I wanted answers to. I didn't expect him to reply, but deep down I hoped he would. I'm not planning on texting him anymore, at least until he decides he wants to talk because we could both use some space.

I found another doctor that I'm going to try to get an appointment with and see if she can help more than my current doctor. One of the reasons why I don't want to do therapy is because I'm frustrated with my current doctor. My current doctor hasn't been much help at all. All she's done is tell me that she won't prescribe anything for my anxiety and depression until I've had at least 4 therapy sessions, and then she requires that I keep going to therapy even after she prescribes meds. I called to talk about the possibility of medication back in January and she said that she was completely booked until the end of June, so I scheduled an appointment for July 6. She told me to find a therapist and start going to therapy in the meantime. I asked her for help finding a therapist that would take my insurance and she just told me to get an appointment with a counsellor at school since I get 12 free sessions. I tried to get an appointment at the school back in January, but none of their counselors had any openings until late-April/early-May and they couldn't squeeze me in because it wasn't an emergency. I decided not to make an appointment at school because school gets out at the very beginning of May and I would have to find another therapist to go to while I'm home for the summer. After that, I called my doctor to ask for a list of therapist in my area that would take my insurance and she never gave me any resources. So, I've been trying to find a therapist by just searching online, but all the ones I've found are either near me and don't take my insurance or they do take my insurance but they are 60+ miles away from me.

I've kind of given up on finding a therapist at this point because I'm so frustrated. I just hope that this new doctor is more willing to help me.

[Funkyfaerie in reply to stowne19]

Hi, I completely agree that you needed him to know everything you'd been thinking. He may even reply yet, guys are not so spontaneous as us girls. Give it time...

Strangely you mention changing doctors. I have just done that after 6 months of getting nowhere. And yesterday I came out of the doctors office feeling calm as this one is so much more I understanding and helpful, so that's a good idea.

I'm guessing you are in the US? I am in the UK. So I am afraid I don't know how to help you find a counsellor. I know people rave about the Linden method online, but that again is money....Can your Mum insist for help for you at your school, put a bit of pressure on them?

This isn't the end of the world even though it might seem like it right now. All things pass and you will be happy again.

J x

[stowne19 in reply to Funkyfaerie]

Yes I am in the US. I was able to get an appointment to see this new doctor 2 weeks from now. I'm feeling a little better already knowing that I only have to wait a couple more weeks to get some help. I've been dealing with this for so long already that waiting 2 more weeks isn't so bad.

I'm also starting to feel a bit better about the break up. I still haven't been sleeping well or eating much, but at least I haven't been crying today.

I've never heard of the Linden method. I will have to check it out.

[Funkyfaerie]

You sound a tiny bit more up beat today But you know it will take time.

If you feel the the need to rant at someone, you are welcome to write to me.Take good care of yourself.

Jenny xx