First I want to preface this by saying I am very glad I have found this site and have gotten so much from it already. I also want to apologize in advance if I post too often as I am having random thoughts pop into my head that I need to get out, and lastly, I am long-winded.
I moved back home to California for the first time after being in Texas for the past 7 years. To my family, friends, colleagues, and people around me, I put on a façade of the cool, calm, and collected Mike. I did everything I was told to do in school by going to college and starting my career. I have been chasing what I believed I wanted and needed which was a lifestyle I never knew as a kid. Growing up with a single mother and needing public assistance there were so many things I longed for and thought that if I did things the "right" way it would all come to me. I moved to Texas to start my journey and everything was going the way I wanted but I kept wanting more not because I truly wanted it but because my peers had it and felt I needed it as well.
With this constant focus on the future and not living in the now, I ignored so much leading me to get so unhealthy that at 31 I thought I wouldn't see 35. The past year I finally took my health seriously, work was becoming what I wanted, I was finally making good money, and then when I found out my position was eliminated it was sort of the spark that ignited all the shit I had pushed down with work, money, and drugs. I visited home in July for my grandfather's 80th and still had not found a job and every family member I bumped into kept mentioning how I was someone they never had to "worry" about as in I was handling everything. The more I heard this the more it started playing louder and louder in my head and felt that if I did not succeed I would be failing not only myself but my family.
I took a job that I didn't want but did because it was a "smart" decision and made good money ignoring the opportunities I would have loved due to not "making enough". Everything finally came together and the night before the first day of school I ended up in the ER and was "recommended" (which is not a recommendation I have found) to stay in an inpatient psych facility for a week. Now that I have moved back home I am finding that accepting this situation is hard and feeling like I've ruined everything. Only my grandparents and aunts knew why I had to move back and as other family have come to visit and I talk about my experiences I can see the image that I had put up for so long falling apart and it's both freeing and scary. I'm realizing that my whole image, my whole personality honestly was what I did in college and what I did for a living. I have no clue who Mike is.
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mosti001
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This is the first time I am admitting I have something going on and being in the hospital was my first time ever getting therapy so it just feels like everything is happening so fast. The more I talk and write about what is going on I feel free but also the emotions seem to get stronger and brighter. Like right now I can feel something in my chest almost like a flight or fight sensation which is quite foreign to me.
The fight or flight feeling could be a release of tension that you are getting from allowing yourself to write your thoughts down on here, finally finding the courage to let go of your feelings and emotions.
As I said before journaling is a good way to start to process your feelings and acknowledge that there could be a problem. It gives you a release.
Just write.. I also use the notes on my phone to write things down just to get them out of my head.
Welcome!
And, I've been there. Maybe not exactly but, definitely in the vicinity. I moved away from home, went to college for something I loved but didn't like, ended up doing a bunch of drugs and, hid all the bad (including my newly found mental illness) when I saw my family- all while putting that happy face and facade on. I never succeeded, and had to move back home feeling humiliated.
The kinda ok news is that you can find yourself and bounce back. It won't be overnight but, it's possible. Maybe you'll emerge as a new, different person but, embrace it.
I'm still trying to find my true self but the journey has become welcomed. I think we're all capable of doing such. It's hard though. Just accepting ourselves and our misgivings is not easy.
Ask yourself, who are younow and what do you want? Not everyone else, but you. What would help you live your best life?
I've focused so much on planning every part of my life and now that I know that is not healthy it is a hard habit to break. I got out of the hospital on 8/21 so it has not even been a month and drove home last Friday so barely a week here but already thinking too much. I've conditioned myself to always be aware of what's coming down the road to be cautious and right now I just need to focus on today which is new.
Being in the present moment and accepting is something I struggle with and, I think a lot of us do. It's not easy. I'm forever thinking of the future but it just causes anxiety. It makes sense to be in the present but it's easier said than done.
You can do this though. Give yourself some grace and praise for getting this far. And, you're here so you're looking for improvement, which is good.
I agree here with Agora1 . You need some time it seems.
Also, do you go to therapy now? That would help immensely. Opening up is tough bc you're being vulnerable. It's good to do though, even if it's here. You can vent here anytime.
Take it slow. One step at a time. You don't always have to know everything right now. Take a good deep breath.
I have never gone to therapy the first time I had any kind of therapy was when I ended up in the hospital last month. Now that I am in California I am working to find insurance so that I can get insurance and start therapy but this is really helping in the meantime.
I'm glad it's helpful. There are some youtube therapists that help a lot. One of them is Emma, she's amazing and has changed my life. >youtube.com/@TherapyinaNuts...
Like, she helped me more than my last therapist. There's her link.
This January was 5 years since my mom passed but just like everything I just kept going along after. To give you context I found out she was in the hospital on a Sunday, I flew out and got there Monday she passed away Thursday and I was back in Texas Saturday and went to work Monday. I did not stop because that is what I have always done and now that I have stopped to think everything is just coming out all at once.
Glad to hear your getting relief here this is great group,helped get me through rough depression and anxiety issues from bipolar N chronic pain. That makes life more challenging...stick w us....
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xx
Painful Months!!!
One more shot. Dad officially burried this family. He's leaving the city and the whole region 
Disconnected and again dismissed by the national suicide/crisis hotline. 
Need relief from depression 
Accepting that I’m just not “normal”
