I just moved back home to California and staying at my grandmother's house after being in Texas for the past 7 years. I've been noticing my anxiety since college but never actually addressed it, I would keep myself busy or smoke to push the thoughts away. After college, I moved to Texas to do a teaching program leaving all my family behind but with the plan to move back. In the middle of my 2nd year, my mom passed away and was the only parent I had, and just like I always did with my anxiety I pushed it down and tried to get over it. I got word my mom was going to pass and flew to California on a Monday, she passed away Thursday, and I was back in Dallas Saturday partying with friends to keep my mind busy. I decided the best thing would be for me to go back to work that Monday just 3 days after my mom passed with my assistant principal telling me to take the week off, but I thought I should keep myself busy. My anxiety continued to build over the years and I started to notice depression as well but I kept on working to keep busy, I was spending money left and right, my health was plummeting, and I was high every single day. The last few months the anxiety and depression were getting worse but I still felt I could figure it all out and a few Sundays ago before the first day of school at my new school it all caught up to me. For the first time in my life I was having thoughts that maybe ending my life was a possibility. This scared me like I never knew possible and I'm glad I did the smart thing by going to the ER and once there it was "recommended" that I stay in an inpatient psych facility for a week.
I had never had any kind of actual therapy let alone being placed in a facility like that it was scary, to say the least. I was very aware that the nurses and doctors were keeping their distance and when I was transferred to the behavioral health unit from the ER a cop had to accompany us. Being there for a week I had all the time in the world to think about what brought me there and where to go next. My self-confidence was shot and I felt everything around me was completely falling apart. I am fortunate that my family was supportive and I had to do something that I had stupidly been dreading forever which was asking for help. I asked my grandmother if I could move in and her response was "are you fucking stupid? this IS your home". I have had this constant desire and obsession with controlling everything and having a sense of "pride" that I can do everything on my own. I was proud that I had gone through college and moved to Texas to teach given the circumstances I was brought up in and once my mom passed I wanted to prove (to whom I have no clue) that I was "strong" and could do it alone. When I got out of the hospital my brother picked me up and not even an hour later asked me about what I was going to do and about rent and stuff making me realize that while I was always there for him it seemed he was unable to be there for me the way I needed. I had to make a terrifying decision to realize I needed help and let my family know I was moving back home. I needed for the first time to prioritize myself and my health instead of constantly worrying about how all this would be affecting everyone.
In the span of a few weeks, I had to call and inform my assistant principal I needed to resign because could not handle what was going on. Everything I thought I wanted and was working towards seemed foreign and was sort of just confused about what I am and what I want to do. This feeling was like gasoline to a fire for my anxiety and I felt like I had ruined my whole life I felt like everything I had worked for was wasted. I took care of what I needed to in Dallas and tomorrow will be a week since I have been back home. I’m struggling with my anxiety and confidence because I feel like everything is crashing around me, but I need to slow down and remind myself to be forgiving to ME. I haven’t been out of the hospital a month and not even back home a week and already thinking weeks, months, and years down the line just causing me anxiety and to feel sick.
I’m scared, I'm scared I’m not strong enough, I’m scared I’m not talented enough, I’m scared of my biggest fear which is failing. I’m working on challenging these negative thoughts when I notice them instead of fixating and causing myself further harm and anxiety. I’m trying to find local support groups or even some chat spaces online to share openly about what I am feeling so that I can get it out in the open out of my mind which seems to help. I want and need an outlet to let out these thoughts and work on my self-confidence and my mental health because I do not like feeling this way I just want to be happy again.
I’m so scared. 
Wake up feeling scared 
Scared but here I am 
Scared?
