I just moved back home to California and staying at my grandmother's house after being in Texas for the past 7 years. I've been noticing my anxiety since college but never actually addressed it, I would keep myself busy or smoke to push the thoughts away. After college, I moved to Texas to do a teaching program leaving all my family behind but with the plan to move back. In the middle of my 2nd year, my mom passed away and was the only parent I had, and just like I always did with my anxiety I pushed it down and tried to get over it. I got word my mom was going to pass and flew to California on a Monday, she passed away Thursday, and I was back in Dallas Saturday partying with friends to keep my mind busy. I decided the best thing would be for me to go back to work that Monday just 3 days after my mom passed with my assistant principal telling me to take the week off, but I thought I should keep myself busy. My anxiety continued to build over the years and I started to notice depression as well but I kept on working to keep busy, I was spending money left and right, my health was plummeting, and I was high every single day. The last few months the anxiety and depression were getting worse but I still felt I could figure it all out and a few Sundays ago before the first day of school at my new school it all caught up to me. For the first time in my life I was having thoughts that maybe ending my life was a possibility. This scared me like I never knew possible and I'm glad I did the smart thing by going to the ER and once there it was "recommended" that I stay in an inpatient psych facility for a week.
I had never had any kind of actual therapy let alone being placed in a facility like that it was scary, to say the least. I was very aware that the nurses and doctors were keeping their distance and when I was transferred to the behavioral health unit from the ER a cop had to accompany us. Being there for a week I had all the time in the world to think about what brought me there and where to go next. My self-confidence was shot and I felt everything around me was completely falling apart. I am fortunate that my family was supportive and I had to do something that I had stupidly been dreading forever which was asking for help. I asked my grandmother if I could move in and her response was "are you fucking stupid? this IS your home". I have had this constant desire and obsession with controlling everything and having a sense of "pride" that I can do everything on my own. I was proud that I had gone through college and moved to Texas to teach given the circumstances I was brought up in and once my mom passed I wanted to prove (to whom I have no clue) that I was "strong" and could do it alone. When I got out of the hospital my brother picked me up and not even an hour later asked me about what I was going to do and about rent and stuff making me realize that while I was always there for him it seemed he was unable to be there for me the way I needed. I had to make a terrifying decision to realize I needed help and let my family know I was moving back home. I needed for the first time to prioritize myself and my health instead of constantly worrying about how all this would be affecting everyone.
In the span of a few weeks, I had to call and inform my assistant principal I needed to resign because could not handle what was going on. Everything I thought I wanted and was working towards seemed foreign and was sort of just confused about what I am and what I want to do. This feeling was like gasoline to a fire for my anxiety and I felt like I had ruined my whole life I felt like everything I had worked for was wasted. I took care of what I needed to in Dallas and tomorrow will be a week since I have been back home. I’m struggling with my anxiety and confidence because I feel like everything is crashing around me, but I need to slow down and remind myself to be forgiving to ME. I haven’t been out of the hospital a month and not even back home a week and already thinking weeks, months, and years down the line just causing me anxiety and to feel sick.
I’m scared, I'm scared I’m not strong enough, I’m scared I’m not talented enough, I’m scared of my biggest fear which is failing. I’m working on challenging these negative thoughts when I notice them instead of fixating and causing myself further harm and anxiety. I’m trying to find local support groups or even some chat spaces online to share openly about what I am feeling so that I can get it out in the open out of my mind which seems to help. I want and need an outlet to let out these thoughts and work on my self-confidence and my mental health because I do not like feeling this way I just want to be happy again.
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mosti001
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I'm very sorry to hear about your mum passing away.
From reading your post, I gather you've been through a lot over the past few years & that must be very mentally taxing.
I can definitely relate to struggling with perfectionism. I thing you made a good 1st step by joining this forum to share your experiences & reach out for support. That is why I joined aswell.
Best of luck in your healing journey & your search for peace.
Thank you very much for these kind words, on days like today when I feel so anxious and paranoid it is amazing to have something like this site to share with others who may have or be experiencing similar things. Best of luck for you as well.
You're welcome. Please feel free to let me know how your are getting on including any progress or setbacks in your journey.
I'm not kidding when I say I've barely ever spoken to anyone in depth about my anxiety let alone people who actually suffer it to the same extent I do. There is something so unbelievably reassuring about being able to do so.
I turned 33 last month and started noticing my anxiety in college and have kept myself busy with school or work and smoking to keep my mind busy. This is the first time I am being honest and open with people, but more importantly, i'm being honest and open with myself. It is so freeing to be able to just say what I'm feeling and know that there are others who may be going through similar things and can offer kind words or advice.
I don't know if you have experienced this but as this is really new to me and finally getting things out I am feeling more and more emotional and it's getting intense the more I share. Not saying it's a bad thing but what I once could have just put aside now I sometimes feel a physical need to just get it all out.
I am so glad I have found this site and am able to talk freely.
You are so good at expressing yourself. You have such good insight. You have taken so many positive steps to taking care of yourself. I hope you keep sharing here and find the support you need. Are you in therapy?
I tend not to share much about myself and what is going on in my head which has definitely contributed to what's going on currently. I'm finding that just getting it all out whether on this site or talking to someone is helping me out so much lately especially on days like today when I just feel lost.
I had to resign from work in Texas due to my hospital stay and general mental health but in the process of getting insurance here in California right now. I've never really given therapy a chance even though it has been brought up to me by family, friends, and even strangers sometimes. While I am in the process of getting insurance and finding therapy I am using this forum and looking for other outlets to just let everything out.
I think it is good that you are in the process of getting insurance and thinking about finding a therapist. This forum is absolutely a great place to get it all out. Like I said you are so good at expressing yourself and that helps other people here too. Just reading what you say is helpful. I wish I could express myself as well. Do you have any people or a person in your life that you can talk to?
I have been in Texas for the last 7 years with the majority of my family here in California except for my brother who I lived with. He's not been a very supportive person despite a lot of things I don't want to take you down a rabbit hole with and this hospital stay made me realize I needed to leave. So I am now at my grandmother's and have family around I can confide in but I have gone so long not allowing myself to share due to embarrassment and not wanting to be a burden so it is a process. I am slowly getting better at being honest and vulnerable but am noticing now that I am sharing more that these emotions are just so much stronger than they used to be.
This is all very new to me because I have been running away from these issues for years and somewhat knew this day would come in the back of my mind.
I am glad that you are living at your grandmother's and have family around you can confide in. Sometimes it is easier to share here with people that you know understand and that you don't have to worry about being a burden on. Your emotions are so much stronger because you have stopped running away from these issues. Let yourself feel. I know how hard that is, but it is a really important part of the process. You are doing such a great job. Keep taking the steps to take care of yourself. I support you.
I am feeling so much better than I did a few hours ago just getting this all out and thank you again for responding and talking with me I truly do appreciate it. I am seeing how much I am gaining not just from posting but from reading other posts and chatting with individuals like yourself. If you ever need to vent or let anything out feel free to send a message.
I am glad to hear that you are feeling so much better than you did a few hours ago. See it really does work. I get so much out of reading posts even if I don't reply. I would really like to chat with you too. I don't have time right now, but I will be back a little later tonight. I haven't sent anyone a message yet so I am not sure that I know how to. If you know how, why don't you send me a private message and I will reply to you later tonight? Thank you. I look forward to talking with you more. I am so glad you found your way here too.
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I’m so scared. 
Wake up feeling scared 
Scared but here I am 
Scared?
