****If you are triggered by the subject dealing with hostile confrontation or harassment (or any form of harassment), please, put your mental health first and do not read the rest of the post.***
Hi Everyone!
I hope you all are okay, and that you are taking it one step at a time.
So, let's get to the story...
I work retail for the time being and I've had two incidents where a customer did not understand the word "no". At my store there's no security, there's mall security, but they're usually roaming around. We have our stations where we occupy an area of the store so we can abide by the 6 feet rule. I was stationed in the front. If a customer needed help, I was to walkie the person in the section that the item was located in. If the item was in my location, I would have to assist them. A customer came in and as store policy, I said my greeting "Hi, how are you today?" Usually customers would say "Hi" back and go about shopping, or ask for help. But, this guy took my greeting as a whole other sign. He began to say "Hi, my beautiful black queen", "Can I take you out?". The comments got worse. He then began to say "I love you", trying to prompt me to say it back. Then he began to say something on the lines of "I want to lick you up and down" and compared me to a fruit salad. I obviously didn't respond the way he wanted. All of those comments were just plain uncomfortable. I was polite when I answered his question about taking me out, which was a no. He asked me why and I said "I wasn't interested." Mind you, I said it as politely as I could. I didn't want to encourage him any further. It didn't go as planned. I tried to get back to work because I had tasks to complete. He said he was joking, but then he started to repeat all of his previous comments. I might be naive but people who are usually joking don't repeat the same thing, especially to a stranger, and if the joke isn't landing for the other person. I began to feel irritated because I'm at work, and there were customers who might truly need my help. He made no indication that he was looking for anything, and he was not browsing the store because he was standing in the front trying to talk to me. He never asks me to help him find an item. I told him that I was going to finish up my tasks, but if he needed anything everyone on the floor would be glad to help and, I can walkie anyone to let them know what you need. He got irritated and start saying how he was going to buy something but I was being stuck up. I responded, "You're making me uncomfortable." He walked out, and say next time we talk "I'm going to come at you correctly" or something similar to this. He said it in a way that indicated that he wanted a specific response, which he didn't get. I went back to doing my work. A couple of hours later, the guy passes the store. I had walkie my MOD and informed them I was coming to the back. I had already told them what transpired the first time and a male coworker was sent to the front. Sometime later, I asked my coworker if the guy came in, and he said the guy had said something about me. I didn't want to know what was said. I was happy that he was gone. It was a very strange situation and very unnerving. I've never had an interaction with a male who conducted himself like this. I know little boys who can catch a clue better than this obvious adult male. My anxiety was at an all-time high, and I was super alert. When the day was over I was so happy to go home. Now, some might say I'm overreacting, and there might be others who say I should have given him my number (or fake number) and blocked him. The problem is, he can always come back to my store and come in to look for me. I informed my managers of the situation, but it left me feeling defensive and a little unsafe. There was something about that guy that screamed: "Fragile Ego and Dangerous if rejected too much".
I had another situation, where a guy (I honestly think it was the same guy), started calling me a “b***h” because I didn’t answer a question he asked. I'm on meds that help me with ADD, so when I'm concentrating on one task. I get tunnel vision and sometimes I zone out everything. So if anyone was talking to me, unless they were in front of me I wouldn't notice at that time. It doesn't always happen. I missed my meds one day and went back on them the following morning. The store manager verified he did not ask a question and that the entire staff thought he was stealing. (I didn't know this because I was in the front, yet again, and everyone was in the back)I’m not looking forward to going to work, and I’m looking for another job. I'm going to ask to be stationed towards the back, so I can have my coworkers around. This has become overwhelming for me.
I feel as though I tried to be as polite as possible, and I listened to my instincts. I know it could have been worse and that this a special case when it comes to people. It was still very uncomfortable.
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you did all the right stuff - you were absolutely right to be concerned, and be on guard - that guy was a serious red flag. you were right NOT to lead him on IN ANY WAY - because you are at this job, and he knows where you work. you were ABSOLUTELY NOT OVERREACTING!!!! that guy sounds like a serious creep - and you never know what kind of whack jobs are out there!
what you described is definitely one of the risks when you have to deal with people in the public - especially at retail. you may want to consider if it'd be better for your peace of mind and stress, if you worked on changing careers. but if you like retail and want to continue - i think it would be advisable that you be prepared for this kind of interaction - so you'll feel more confident in what you need to do, and how you need to handle the situation. your employer should be willing to pay for training that better prepares you - assuming they can't or won't do anything to help prevent such situations in the future... a good employer will look at that situation, and say "wow - i need to make sure my employees are protected and feel safe". if they're not reacting that way - i'd start looking for employ elsewhere....
I agree, I prepared for another encounter like this. I'm usually a mild-mannered person, but not overly polite. I just have a problem with people who only comprehend aggressive behavior. It's very irritating when I have to raise my voice at someone because of their lack of decent behavior but I guess that's apart of life. I haven't seen the guy for almost a month. The store alerted him to mall security and he's banned from the mall. I'm looking for another job right now.
i agree with you - people that only understand aggressiveness are beyond my ability to understand.
tho, in full disclosure, i must admit i'm prone to raise my voice... but i only do so when i'm passionate about outrageous injustices... i know that raising my voice is not something many people take kindly - and i'm trying to change that behavior... but i grew up in an environment, where the only way to be heard was to raise your voice.... it's a hard habit to break.
i'm only sharing this, because i hope that people don't always associate a raised voice with aggressiveness... while i don't consider myself an aggressive person - i do aggressively defend what i think is right.
i also think that what you did - was an aggressive application of kindness to defuse a potentially dangerous situation. and i applaud you for your actions!
I totally understand. I come from a big family so being a little loud was mandatory in order to be seen or heard. You're right raised voices isn't a sign of aggression, and you have all the right to defend what you think is right. Also, thank you for your words of wisdom and kindness.
Stop being polite. That’s what they tell young women in rape culture which…let’s be real... that is what is. immediately walk away. You do not know what he will do. You can’t ask him to change because he isn’t there to listen to you. call your supervisor on that walkie and tell them what is happening. You should not put up with that for a second. He should be banned from the store.
I understand what your saying. I'm not usually an overly polite person. Everything you said I've done. I was taken aback by this guy's statement. There have been others who've had bad experiences with him. He even tried to follow one of the managers around the store at one point. The guy hasn't been back to the store. The store manager alerted mall security about him, and he's banned from the mall.
As women we are conditioned to be polite and they know that instinctively. It is not easy but changing that norm is what me too is about. When you get into corporate land it becomes even more insidious. Not everywhere of course but too many places.
I mean, I don't come from a very polite place, but I get what you're saying. The guy had serious issues. I'm very sure he did this to another store. But, I did see him roaming the mall one day and he tried to avoid me because he recognized me. So, I'm thinking he lacks the knowledge of social decency or he's an attention-seeking a**. Either way, both are not an excuse to mistreat others that way. He also seemed intimidated by other men. A male worker went to talk to him and he was calm and responded to him like a boy. It was weirdly pathetic to watch.
That’s is what makes it all the more infuriating. Actually my father was like that too. Not a harasser or anything but just condescending to me, avoided talking to women and nice to men. You might check out all the single ladies by Rebecca triester. Every woman today should read it. It explains how we got here.
i worked at walmart for 2 years and whether it was a man grabbing my butt, calling me sweetheart, getting to close or the ones i still cant believe the men said to me " imma forcefully dick you down in the bathroom and cover your mouth so you cant scream" and "can i pierce your nipples in my basement" (LIKE WHAT THE HELL AND MEN WONDER WHY WOMEN ARE AFRAID OF THEM). This is scary and and a serious situation. You did absolutely nothing wrong and youre not overreacting personally id get his name next time get as much info as you can and then get a restraining order i know how scary this can be but if the work place isnt helping keep him away take matters into your own hands
That's awful that happened to you! Those guys are disgusting! I alerted all the managers. One already knew the situation because he was harassing her as well. The mall security was notified and he's banned from the entire mall. I have a feeling he's done this to other people at the mall.
What a sick man i had a customer we call uncle bill(i didnt know why) and hed always come to my line cuz i was a cashier and hed always talk bout how he needed a younger lady like me this man was early 60s and i was fresh out of highschool
i can not for the life of me remotely imagine how any guy would either find saying/doing what you described any kind of a turn on!!! the idea that anyone would treat ANYONE else like that is horrifying.
thank you for sharing - so others - especially the guys - could know the kind of spit we're up against! i know i've wondered whats wrong with me at times when i felt that a woman seemed wary of me for no reason i could figure out other than - must be something i did... your sharing encourages me to try to have greater compassion for what others may have endured to bring them to that place... whatever place that is.
your story is equally horrifying to know that there are those kind of people out there. and your message i think a great message... we need to keep our wits about us, and be aware of our surroundings. we need to be prepared.
It's not your fault, sexual harassment is very common, I worked at Eli Lilly (US) 20 years ago and I had a supervisor who was sexually harassing me, at first I was just ignoring him and focused on my work, but after months he became angry that nothing was happening "on my part", so I had no other choice to inform management (all males). They did absolutely nothing about it and I was stuck with a supervisor who was now very angry and said he would get me fired. I did my own investigation and talked to the prior female employees who worked with him and they had the same story than mine, sexually harassed. We all went to human resources for a formal complaint. I told that I will not come in contact with this supervisor and told my management fire me or move elsewhere. There was really a total disregard for the women in this company of old boys, instead the blame was rather put on the woman. Finally I moved elsewhere. Anyway I didn't want to deviate from your story but I did feel a lot of guilt, so many times, I ask myself what I did I do wrong. Many women have stories like that and I wish we could just expose them.
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Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
