I'm new here and I need advice - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

64,187 members63,012 posts

I'm new here and I need advice

ZBSB profile image

My world has been upended, my husband of 25 years is having a baby and it is with my sister! I am at a total loss!!! How do I go on knowing that my husband is going to have a baby and that it is with my sister. My sister has always wanted a baby and I guess she is finally getting what she has always wanted. I have moved out of my home because apparently this encounter happened at my home when I was out of town in October. I feel like I have lost everything. I have three children, but I do not feel like I should be breaking down on them all the time. I have no other immediate family and all I do is cry. I don't want to cry like this, what do I do? My husband calls and wants me to "get over it" and "just continue our family." How do I do that, when all I think about is the fact that he is having a baby with my sister and our children are 20 and older?

29 Replies

Oh how awful for you. I don't know about you but I could never carry on the relationship under these circumstances. The fact that your husband thinks you can just 'get over it' and carry on as normal is horrendous. What planet is he living on!

Your husband has betrayed you in the worst possible way - what a rat... x

ZBSB profile image
ZBSB in reply to hypercat54

Thank you so much for replying!! I feel so lost and alone! I can't carry on the relationship and I am at a loss at how do I get over this relationship and this betrayal?

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to ZBSB

Hi I can't tell you how to get over this loss and betrayal as we all do it in our own way. I think it's much too soon to really deal with this and the main thing is to start plans to physically leave the relationship. Will he leave the family home? I hope so. I would tell him to go to your sisters as he obviously wants her not you. I can't believe anyone could be so selfish and unfeeling. Yuck!

Deal with the practicalities first then think about the rest of it later. It will take time but you will be able to move on again one day, but not yet. The blessing is at least your children are all grown up now so you won't be a single parent with young children. One day hopefully you will meet someone who deserves you.

ZBSB profile image
ZBSB in reply to hypercat54

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! No, he will not leave the family home.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to ZBSB

Change the locks? Do any of your children still live at home? x

ZBSB profile image
ZBSB in reply to hypercat54

No. My youngest is away at college and the oldest and middle child live in cities that are hours away where they work. This is why I choose to leave the house, I knew he wouldn't leave and I did not have to worry about my children being at home. All three of my children have stated that they wanted me to leave him and not be at our family home, because it happened at the family home. They stated that they do not think that they could stay in our family home every again because of their fathers behavior there.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to ZBSB

Ok fair enough. If you own the house though make sure you get your share. x

DuenasVi profile image
DuenasVi in reply to ZBSB

Thank god your children are older and no one will question your decision to leave him. You will find true love 💕 do not make decisions because of the years spent. Know your worth

NuckinFuts profile image
NuckinFuts in reply to ZBSB

Be strong through this! Got a bumpy road ahead of you. And seek advice from a lawyer. It will get better through time. Hope and pray the best for you. He didn’t deserve you and you deserve way better!

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to hypercat54

Excuse me, this sister sounds like she is not family to you. Your kids are.

DuenasVi profile image
DuenasVi in reply to ZBSB

You will but you are more important and you need your freedom. He lost you the minute he began fooling around with your sister

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to hypercat54

Sorry, but your husband sounds like a sociopath!

I would be inclined to speak to your sister first and see what she thinks about this whole thing. That may help you decide what action to take. Also see a therapist.

this is betrayal at it worst.its hard to come back from this.both are at fault obviously but what your sister has done is worse.shes broken your family apart.some serious things would have to happen for you to stay with him.its easier to forgive but you will never forget.im sure your kid will be on your side through it all.is it worth saving and trying to live it.who knows but love can conquer many things in a relationship.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to kenster1

I agree what the sister has done is awful but he is the one who broke his marriage vows so he is the main one at fault here. He is also the one who expects them to all carry on as though nothing has happened! Not sure about a sociopath but he is certainly a rat! x

kenster1 profile image
kenster1 in reply to hypercat54

yeah its a terrible thing.after he hit on at her sister she should have dismissed his advances and kept away.husband is a rat at least for wrecking a marriage and destroying lives.

What is her husband then?

Of course you have started shopping around for a good lawyer, in view of the fact you have been forced from your home ?

You would benefit from counseling to deal with it all.

Depending on your religion you could seek advice from clergy.

Just love and be good to yourself right now. You deserve a shoulder to cry on.

Everything will be okay 💛 it will all work out, hang in there 🌸 sending positive and hugs your way xoxo

My deepest condolences because I could never cope with my sister or my husband. You need to get help with therapy and do it for your children. They are number one in your life and file for divorce. Your husband is number one to blame, as womyn we tend to toss the blame to the other womyn but nooo we need to blame the man who did the deed. I’m really sorry but no words can help heal you. Do not feel obligated to stay with him. Heck nooo!! You are worth a billion more than the other women. No one can say a thing if you decide to leave the state. I would, because she would no longer be family and any judge would grant me my children and the authority to move them away from such toxic environment.

get over it!!!!...seriously?...I'd be calling a lawyer and clean his clock...sorry, not a very therapeutic answer , but WTF?...furthermore....your sister!!!....yeah, I'd cry too honey. The future you thought you were going to have is gone, and it's heart breaking, but you need to be sensible about this, you did no wrong, get back in your house...

But your best bet is to not talk to him about getting in touch with a lawyer,...legal aid would be my suggestion. You may pay a minimal assessment fee and they will help you.

Furthermore, I would move back into the house and ask HIM to leave. Then serve him with an injunction notice to vacate under the fact of infidelity is a major reason for divorce and he fits the criteria.

OMG That's the lowest of the low. My ex husband I believe slept with my sister while we were married. I have no proof but my gut tells me it happen I came home one time unexpentently she was there with a lame excuse. I never said anything. It's been years. But in your case there's going to be a baby to remind you of what happened. moving out was a good thing to give yourself perspective. Don't talk to him. Men Always want us to get over IT. Seek counciling cause this can eat you Alive. Get him to go later with You. Remember it's Not the child's fault. Good Luck

So sorry! It's so sad and painful when others actions effect us. How did you find out? Did he tell you? Did your sister tell you. Are they still together? I wouldn't move out of the house. You deserve what you helped build there. Perhaps he can sleep in a different room and see how long it takes you to "get over it". Has he said he still wants you? Take time to cry. Love yourself and know you are great. Do the things that make you happy while you go through this and get it figured out for yourself.

I know this post is 3 months old, but I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. The betrayal, I can't imagine how you move on. I hope you talking to a professional and you have the support of your children. I know it's not much, but I hope you are finding peace. If not now, then eventually.

Take care-

Oh my goodness, that is truly a heartbreaking thing to happen, I think you need to cut the ties, please take your power back, and love yourself enough to walk away, it all sounds pretty awful, sending you positive vibes, here anytime xxx please take care x

Hi sorry to hear about your situation. Can I ask how long has it been since this happened ?

First, good for you for walking out the door. Second, please, please, get a lawyer. As someone who has just gone through a painful divorce, I wish I had hired an attorney for the actual proceedings. My children are younger (teenagers), but I got taken advantage of because I could not hire an attorney and trusted that things were ok. We were together over 20 years, so I get how painful this is, your whole life has been entangled with his. Please go see a therapist and hire that attorney. Remember - your husband and sister's actions are theirs. You owe them NOTHING. Show your children that this is not how people in a marriage should treat eachother so they will never allow anyone to treat them this way, your example is so important for them right now. Good luck. Stay strong.

So sorry ZBSB - your life has been turned upside down. Your husband wants the best of both worlds to play happy families. You have options. The first one is to sell the family home and divide the assets. Move to another home where you can live with your family.

You can separate amicably, and live apart. The other is to have a divorce which will tear the family in half and you will have no contact with your ex husband or your sister and your nephew/niece. The final choice is to divide the house, so you can lead separate lives under the same roof. You could make a flat for them.

it all depends on your emotional health and finances as how far you can accept that this was a love affair, and is over, or it is an ongoing relationship. May be your sister does not want to marry your husband ? May be she wants to be a single mother?

I don't think you can ever forgive your sister if it was with consent if it was not with consent then you could not forgive your husband. You have to think of your children even if they are over 20 years old. May be you have other family too who can support you during this time. In the Uk the husband has to support the children until they are 16 and provide a roof over their heads, but you will have to look on line for the laws concerning division of assets, for the break up of your marriage. It is heart breaking to have brought up your family looked after the home, when your sister and husband are trying to unseat you from your family home.

So sorry ZBSB. This is a betrayal to you. Real men don't cheat. Move forward with your head high knowing that this is a blessing in disguise. You will be blessed with someone who will adore you to pieces watch. Take some time for yourself to be ready for that. Remember though, don't blame yourself for any of this. Be good to yourself at this time. A billion prayers are on the way. 🙏🏼

You may also like...