perseveration ?

[litethatnevergoesout]

I have a traumatic brain injury and from that I have this condition. The damaged brain for some reason likes to lock onto negativity or negative stuff, negative memories. then it takes that and runs it on repeat endlessly. It’s awful. Without any triggers. So I have a depressing bit and I’m fed that depression over and over in layers. I’m separated from my wife and children I haven’t seen them for 16 months. I miss them endlessly everyday. I’ve been crying most of the day everyday for nearly a year and a half. True. so there’s the thought and the emotion or associated feeling forever. I’m exhausted I’m depressed beyond description with anxiety that would give a monster a heart attack. and I continue to miss my family and feel bad for missing them and feel bad everything is difficult and I’m paralyzed. and I miss my family.

[litethatnevergoesout]

I have continuous perseveration i will obsess over a thought until i can no longer function normally.

[Jennblank7734]

So sorry you're struggling. It's nice to meet you. I'm always available of you feel the need to talk to someone. I lost my sons. Covid hit and closed the courts. I just couldn't stay in Chicago. On and on. I know some about the hurt you're going through. It broke me. I'll never be the same.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Jennblank7734]

Thank you that’s so kind. I’m sorry about your loss. It’s very traumatic. I’ll remember you when I need someone, I’m sure I will.

It broke you. yes I feel myself breaking.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I've never been through anything harder or more heartbreaking. My ex beat the shit out of me, called the police and said I attacked him while he was in bed. He went to jail for 24 hours. When he got out he got a restraining order on me. They didn't care about the truth. 4 officers came in and escorted me out of the house with nothing but my clothes I had on and my purse n keys. I finally got a good family judge who saw the case for what it was. They were almost back with me but covid hit and shut the courts down. It was such a slow process. No one cared about the pain the whole situation was causing, also a lot of damage. My younger one, 9 at the time, was super close to me. I know he waited for me. They contacted me and I heard some of the lies they were being told. Things like I didn't care and wasn't attending court. This was 2017. The last time I was with them. I can text my older son, now 17. He talks to me like his dad did. His dad's philosophy on women is we are all born whores. He was always very free in spewing his hatred of women to my boys. I can't say anything or he will just stop replying to my texts. The younger one won't talk to me.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Jennblank7734]

that is terrible to hear. I’m sorry about all of the abuse you’ve endured. Winston Churchill said when going through hell keep going. Don’t give up, the younger one will talk to you. heartbreaking what you’ve been through.

[Mijmijkey74 in reply to Jennblank7734]

So since 2017 what have you actually physically done to get your boys back. OK court's closed down for a short while, but not in 2017/2018, and they were open again in 2022 and now in 2023. I'm afraid your son speaking as he does about females/women like that is him messed up, and lost to you as a son, him only wanting to spew his hatred, hurt and upset at you. Let him, he needs to get all that and the resentment out of his system. Let him rant, you don't have to listen or read it, but you can keep lines of communication open. Does he live with his dad still, or alone/or partner/friend/grandparent? Doesn't sound from what you have typed in your comment/post that he lives with you. Have you asked him if he wants to? Would like to?

[Agora1]

Welcome to a caring supportive community new friend.

I'm happy you are here with us. I will admit that I knew nothing about

the word Perseveration in Anxiety. However, I am here to help and

educate myself.. My "go to" has always been YouTube and I'd like to

suggest a video that I just watched in order to help understand what

you are feeling and going through.

The name of the video is "Perseveration-Persistent-Repetition after

Brain Injury" I'm assuming you have a therapist working with you

regarding this issue.

I am truly sorry in what you are going through right now regarding your

personal life issue. I Care. Let us know how we may help you feel less

alone and understood. My best to you. xx

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Agora1]

welcome to a caring supportive community new friend. I’m happy you’re here with us… that sounds absolutely amazing thank you very much.

Perseveration was new to me when my new therapist brought it to my attention. she let me know about it when we first met, not during a session, like she needed to tell me something nobody was ever mentioning.

Thank you for your go to research and the link to the YouTube entry.

Thank you for the reply and well, seriously thank you for caring.

[Agora1 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Always, xx

[Midori]

Can I suggest something?

We each have a rational, thinking brain, and an instinctive hindbrain, which deals with the everyday emergencies, Flight, Freeze and Fight! The hindbrain takes over when the adrenaline rush happens during an emergency.

It seems to me and from a retired nurse's point of view, that your hindbrain is currently in control, and could , with some work be brought back under control. It's not easy, but I have done it.

I was in an extremely, abusive marriage for 15 years. Eventually, and for the sake of bringing up my children to be rounded adults. I ran with them to a refuge who sent us to a different part of the country, where we would be safe from him, (Pre-internet and Cell phones).

Long story very short, when he found out we weren't going back to him unless he got psychiatric treatment, he first tried to get access to the children, which I refused, and then suicided. It wasn't the end, by a long chalk. His family started on me, accused me of murdering him, (I was more than 60 miles away with no transport!), then eventually disowned us. (No loss, except to my kids.)

Then there was all the stuff about identifying him, Autopsy, Inquest and trying to deal with banks and other things. Took more than 6 months, and by then I was frazzled, no job, scrabbling for money, and fighting for access to my home. I was a mess for ten years, until I realised my hindbrain was in control; It was telling me I was no good as a nurse, a mother or anything else, and made me jumpier than a cat in a cactus patch! Drugs to get me up each day, more to make me sleep at night, no good.

So, one day when I was being plagued by the voice telling be I was a waste of oxygen, I got good and angry, because I suddenly realised it was my late husband's voice and his denigrations, So I cussed at the voice, and told it that I wasn't going to listen any more, and that it should learn something about travel and reproduction (but not in that order!) It left for about a week, and then I had to do it again.This time it was a longer gap. Each time it came back I cussed it out again and eventually it realised it was no longer in control, and I have now been free of it for over 20 years. OK, I still get the odd wobble, but on the whole I'm now sorted. It might work for you if you try It. I know with a traumatic brain injury it may be harder, but it could be worth a try. Not a quick fix, but It may work for you.

Cheers,Midori

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Midori]

Midori, thank you very much for such an open and thoughtful reply. how traumatic the experiences you’ve been through Im amazed at your courage and strength. I appreciate the suggestion I will look into trying to get that to work out for me. I would love to feel like I was truly in control. That’s an inspiring story thank you again for sharing.

[Midori]

It takes time, but It can be done.

Cheers, Midori

[Mijmijkey74]

Glad you posted this, same happens to me, though according to neurology my mri's show no visible (to them) brain damage/tbi. Though perhaps this isn't only caused by tbi/brain injury/brain damage, but also caused by significant depression/trauma in life which damages the brain in different but similar ways to actual physical injury to the head and brain. It's so horrendous having negativity on unstoppable incessant repeat damaging us further all the time. It truly is exhausting. I'm in a awful place in my mind due to negative thoughts/negativity that rarely relents, but which I try so hard to ignore/block out, but it is relentless and overwhelming. I just thought it was me alone this happens to. Hope you are ok and got my pm I sent earlier today or maybe last night. My memory on stuff like times/dates is bad. x

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Mijmijkey74]

Yes it sounds as though you struggle with the same condition. it’s heinous.

[Mijmijkey74 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

It is. I'm lost, empty and feeling and having suicidal thoughts on top of what is discussed above. Mind is blitzed, completely blitzed. Nothing keeping me alive otherthan to stop people slating me when I'm dead and being unable to correct their misinformed twisted lying assumptions, spiteful backstabbing minds and mouths.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Mijmijkey74]

I’m sorry mijmijkey

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Mijmijkey74]

I did receive your PM, I hope your health is improving.