Full of Fear

[hunter4ransom]

Change is hard especially if the outcome is unknown. I keep trying to predict worst case scenarios to my current stresses and problem solve them all now. It isn’t healthy or realistic and I know this but my freaked out brain doesn’t and won’t shut off. It as if I’m walking this fine line and desperately trying to keep balance. I’m so afraid of not being able to fix every problem I’m facing.

Things that never used to bother me like taking my son to his neurologist, getting a bill notice, helping my daughter with college aps, returning to work after summer break, taking on a 2nd job..... are all HUGE triggers for me and send me into a tailspin of panic. I’ve had anxiety and depression before, but never like this.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. My body is starving, but I’m so nauseous all the time I can barely eat. I don’t get paid until tomorrow and I’m out of gas, out of food, have bills stacked up, and have to take my son to see his neurologist this morning. I worry endlessly about him and his future with his sleep disorder. This also triggers the fact his insurance ends on his 19th bday in February and I have no clue what to do as I can’t afford to put him on mine and I feel I’m fighting a losing battle with getting him on disability.

Things cannot stay the same or it will kill me, but change is so very frightening for me. So much has changed for the negative in the past year. I feel so far removed from the happy stable girl I was last summer. I want her back and this sickly person who I have become gone.

Thank you all for making this a safe place for me to speak of and face my fears. If I didn’t have here to come to on my really bad mornings, I would just bottle it up and become more sick.

I must put my fears aside, slap on a happy face, and get ready to take my son to his appointment. Oh, I also hear back today if I got 2nd job or not. I’m nervous either way.

I’m a mess 😩

—Eileen

[Strongheartforever]

You sound so strong and capable, despite all the pressures you face. You’ll get through this. Your kids will soon be up and out and things will ease up and you’ll be able to devote more time to taking care of yourself. That feeling of being “sickly” and beat down, I can relate to. Appreciate you coming forth here with your truth. It frees you a bit and it frees others to know they can put those ugly fears out into the atmosphere somehow. Hope you can feel embraced and find hope today. You are a great mother and an inspiring human.

[hunter4ransom in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thank you Strongheart. That means a lot to me coming from you as I see you as a very strong and wise woman who totally understands and relates to me. ❤️

[Strongheartforever in reply to hunter4ransom]

❤️ Appreciate that

[KristinK67]

I understand and am going through almost the same things you're going through...I just want to say that I care and will keep you in my prayers. I'm praying for peace for both of our hearts.

[hunter4ransom in reply to KristinK67]

Thank you Kristin. We will battle through this together. I also just found out I didn’t get the 2nd job so of course anxiety is having a hay day in my head telling me I can’t afford to provide for my kids without compensating for my loss of child support. I just keep telling myself that change is hard and it will take time to adjust to my new normal.

[KristinK67 in reply to hunter4ransom]

Change is hard and growth is hard! I keep trying to remind myself that this is just temporary. Reaching out is always good, but it's difficult to explain to those who haven't experienced it like we have. Let's hold on together. (((Hugs)))

[Fearoffear]

Hi Hunter! I'm having a horrible day too. Last week was my son's yearly check up and he lost 23 pounds in a year and is 80 pounds at 19. My son is wheelchair bound and has a metal rod infused in his spine (my other posts explain). I get so nervous when I take any of my kids to the doctor's even though their doctors are great. Well now I have to buy some extra food to up his calorie intake to try to bulk him up and it's the end of the month. So my kids are stuffed like pigs and I'm so hungry and crackers are a tease. Lol but Wednesday will be here soon enough and I can do a little replenish. My husband just left his second job so money is tight. I put a smile on my face every day to fake it to make it but I feel truly sick inside everyday waiting for the next drama. Oh and now me and the hubby are constantly fighting since he left his job. I feel for you and being a special needs mom. We are a strong breed don't be fooled, not everyone can do what we do. Please sit down take a moment for yourself. Read do something you enjoy even if it is only for a half hour. We don't burn out like everyone else we do it three times harder. Be easy, gentle hugs!!

[hunter4ransom in reply to Fearoffear]

Thank you Fear. I so often wish some of us could meet in person and give each other a hug and just let each other know we aren’t alone and will survive this moment. I don’t feel like being alone today and I am. My boyfriend works out of town, my daughter is at a friends house, and I leave in 30m to take my sleeping son to his neurologist. I just want to go back to bed sleep but I can’t. Today is a bad day, but I’m hopeful it will improve as I push through it.

[Fearoffear in reply to hunter4ransom]

Anytime you need to talk message me or tell me to go in that chat room. Hopefully you can get sleeping beauty up for his appointment. Lol Just breathe....let me know how you got along with everything today. I just tell myself when I'm out and not sure I look happy enough I say to myself, "Smile you're on candid camera"! Then I chuckle like an idiot and it keeps me going for a little longer. Anyway have a good day, you woke and made a start to your day and sometimes that's all it takes.

[hunter4ransom in reply to Fearoffear]

He couldn’t wake up, its part of this this stupid disorder. I can’t dress and move him because he is 6ft and weighs 180. This was only our 2nd visit with his adult neurologist who is going to help with the whole disability process. She is super hard to get in and see and we waited a month for this appointment. I’m a shaking puddle of tears waiting for the doctor office to call back with advice. I hate this so much. I just want to be at peace and I feel my life is utter chaos at the moment.

[Fearoffear]

It will be ok and as sad as it sounds this will make a better case for his disability. In time it will work out we as mother's just want it to be a quick resolve as our patience is tried constantly. I understand I can't even take my kids to the doctor's by myself as I can barely lift myself and they are totally dependent on others. My husband, who is not their bio dad, has to go and help me and if he doesn't get up (he has a sleep disorder too) I have to reschedule which makes us fight. My life is drama and when it isn't I'm waiting for the other shoe....until you hear from the doctor, relax and realize there is nothing you can do right now to change this situation that happened. One step at a time, I know I like to run too.....

[Strongest123]

Hello I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Did you have any traumatic experiences before this all started? Maybe their was a major life changing event that might’ve triggered all theses emotions. Are you seeing a therapist? Might be a good idea to start seeing one, and maybe starting on some meds. I do believe that breathing exercises and meditation will definitely help in the meantime. I would also stay away from any news current events due to their negativity. Samson