Things took a turn for the worse

[Sonny216]

It's so exasperating to write.

Just wish I were dead.

Then I wouldn't be suffering. I would miss my dog.

I'm rejected and unwanted..even by my own mother (who is an Abuser ..toxic as they come - but she hides her cruelty from others.

I had a job interview yesterday, didny get it.

I've been severely depressed and imobilized with feelings of inadequacy, no self worth, no esteem.

Well, I get home and after I told her I didn't get it, she turns to me all serious and says

" Can I ask you something?"

(I thought it was something along the lines of trying to make me feel better about not getting it etc)

*I said What?

"Can you help your brother move tomorrow, he has no one. (My brother owns a 2 story house, in a rich city of CT, has a "gf" of over 10 years and she's got a son living with them who's in his twenties - my brother is the GOLDEN BOY.

We grew up with him beating me up, choking me at one point. NEVER has come to my aid in Any form..not even to chat with me. When I lived in FL (all by myself, he would come to see a friend, vacation with his gf..and never would come see me.

EXCEPT for the time when he got in trouble with the Law and was fearful of going to jail, he would come and see me for 2 days, but leave and said he was going to see a friend - which I bet why he was in FL anyway.

But when he needed me, I was there for him. When he was out of work, and needed someone as a customer to his new career..I was there. I could go on.

Anyway, told my mother WHy DOESNT HE ASK *ME*? He didn't ask me. Am I not to be ASKED ??? Everybody else is but not ME?

Today she left a screaming message demanding I help him, threatening me.

I couldn't resist, I called her back and told her HOW DARE YOU etc. and hung up.

I'm out of work. She thinks she's got me right where she wants me Helpless and dependant...so she could treat me like shit and demand of me like I was some slave.

I fear I'm all alone in the world right now.

It's after 6pm and I'm usually in the door at 4pm

I don't want to go in there. I'm park a few blocks away with my dog in the backseat.

Been praying...got nowhere to go. I fear I'm going to be a beggar on the street, more worried about somebody taking my dog away.

Been wishing I was dead..so I leave this planet. I'm not welcomed here, rejected countless times in work and social life..and this sick twisted ' family'

Just wish I had a job and a place to live, so I can live....just LIVE.

Wake up and read the paper if I wanted, play with the dog...go for a walk. Talk to a neighbor.

My mother, I've been suspecting, VILLIFIES me to the family and extended family behind my back.

She's a Narcissist or Borderline...she's incapable of loving me, or SEEING me for that matter.

Wish I had a mom

[Pacobusta1970]

WOW!😳🙏🏻you are a very brave woman God bless you for that.

Please don’t think about ending your life, there is no reason for a human being to even think about it

Your life will change keep knocking doors eventually one will open and you will find a job.

Although we are not your relatives we do care for you in this forum and we want you to get better and you will get better!

I think you must find your own place this situation with your mother is getting you out of control and and is not healthy for you.

Try to spend your days doing something positive such as, reading a good book pr going for a walk with your best friend “ your dog”or go on YouTube and listen to some self motivation videos they will make you feel a lot better..trust me they will be very productive in your life.

I hope i was able to make you feel better.remember we care for you you are part of this big family and we look after each other.

God bless.

[KrierandRosie in reply to Pacobusta1970]

My mother was just like yours. My brother, the same thing. You sound young. I am old. But you must go on on your own. It hurts when your own mother doesn't care. Contact me.

[Sonny216 in reply to KrierandRosie]

Hi, thanks for replying. No, I'm old. Certainly not young..which makes it more difficult.

Wish I had friends. That might be due to (undiagnosed) Autism Spectrum Disorder

[Jacquelinechristina in reply to Sonny216]

Hi l just saw your specific reply ,we. Who use this blog are kind of friends in that we in some way or another feel for you .see if you have a group like we have in UK run by mind you'll be welcome ,do u like fancy a class doing something like yoga or swimming ,or aqua swim or walking lfind physical excercise not crazy physical just totering along is good and l as a person finds it difficult to becwith people it okay ,just a idea keep posting

[KrierandRosie in reply to Sonny216]

It is hard to have friends nowadays. Most people want something and are not really friends. I turn 65 in February. I have suffered my whole life. One day at a time. Where do you live?

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

Sorry for the long reply but I relate so much to you: Unfortunately I have a mother not unlike yours. She thinks the sun rises and Shines on my brother and sister and I am garbage. In my case I think it's because I look the most like my father but I'm not sure. In any event the problem is hers. The only difference is that I don't have to live with her. But understand that's temporary. Even though they are related to you they're just people. People are flawed and if that's the way they treat their family seriously you should feel sorry for them. You're the good person in this scenario. To feel like you want to end your life based on the opinion of two people that are sadly flawed is incorrect. You can love them for who they are for now, work on ggetting different place, and know that as a kind person you are what matters. You have a dog that loves you and that's what really matters ☺ focusing on my dog who is pure love can get me through so much. You matter and we are all here for you.

[Hidden in reply to kinikia95]

Wow, read my reply to Sonny216. I understand you so well...!

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer in reply to Hidden]

Message me

[KrierandRosie in reply to Hidden]

Dogs saved my life. I knew in kindergarten my mother didn't care much for me. I demanded a dog. I have two dogs now and don't want to be without them for very long.

[Sonny216 in reply to kinikia95]

Thank you Kinikia

[Hidden]

I have a first hand knowledge of a narcissistic mother and a toxic and venomous x mother in law. We are three sisters in the family and my mother has four grandchildren. Well, as far as she is concerned, she only has one daughter and this sister's child. The rest of us are only there to be used and manipulated. As far as the x mother in law is concerned, who is approaching 100 years filled with selfishness, toxicity and poison in her black heart, she made sure to chase me out of my marriage by not allowing her son to go on a honeymoon with me, faking a sickness, by lying and playing the martyr, by having intimate conversations with him behind locked doors without including me, by taking me aside to repeat that her son will never love me because he still loves an x girlfriend, by showing me the x girfriend's framed portrait to make me jealous...when I became pregnant, she convinced her son that it was not a good time for him to be a father and that she would not be there for me if I ever needed any help. I was young and all alone. So, I had the abortion and I left them both to their sick entanglement. He is almost 70 and he still lives in the family home with her...what a waste of his life. I met someone and had a wonderful baby boy and tried to take care of my life away from all this toxicity. I never regretted it. My mother is also still alive, we live in the same town,but for me she is dead. It's like she doesn't exist. Hope this makes you feel better to know that you are not alone.

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer in reply to Hidden]

Yikes!!!!! That's horrible. Im so sorry.

[KrierandRosie in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for sharing your rough story. You are to be commended for getting a better life for yourself! This proves to all of us good things will come out way in time. Patience is hard but worth the wait!

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

You will never be rejected here! You sound like a caring loving person that gets taken advantage of and treated poorly. I can never understand how a mother can act that way to her child. I tell my son I love him every single day! You deserve that! Don’t let other people’s opinions of you define you. Especially when they are not a good person to start with. No offense intended. I’m just going by what you said. I wish you could find another place to stay. Have you tried getting assistance from social services? The department of rehabilitation can also help you in your job search. I’m very caring and sensitive so I know how it feels to be taken advantage of and abused. My husband is an alcoholic and his mood changes with the wind. Tonight it was very ugly. I’m glad you did stand up for yourself. I never can. It’s your choice whether you want to help someone. Sometimes I do things to just keep the peace but then I feel horrible. I hope you can find a good job and a new place to live very soon. It definitely does sound like you are in a toxic situation. I might be the queen of toxic. I’m sure many others have it worse than me but it sure does feel horrible. I’m so sorry you are having to go through that. You deserve so much more than you are giving your self credit for. Please don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. My dog is my best friend. Dogs know you better than humans and they are an excellent judge of character! Yours loves you! Listen to your dog not those toxic humans. I wish you well.

[Sonny216 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Thank you.

[Windy101]

Oh, my heart goes out to you! I can understand completely why you don't want to help your brother. It's not selfishness; it's a matter of dignity and self-respect.

Yes, your mother sounds pretty toxic and the sooner you can get away from her, the better. I don't know what the answer is, but please don't give up hope. Even if you don't believe in a higher power, try to send out just a tiny bit of positive energy into the world that there is a solution and that you will survive.

I'm so glad you have your dog to love and whose unconditional love you can receive. You are a worthwhile person who deserves a good life. I wish you all the best.

[Sonny216]

Thank you Windy. I have another option for employment; will look into it first thing Monday morning.

Yes, it is my faith in God that keeps me going

[Jacquelinechristina]

Hi l read your blog and lm not going to say l know how you feel as we see life in different ways andl respect that l can say l was like you and l had to take my family out of my life some one said to me ones friends are ones family ,do you have a friend ?.Lt may seem facile but my dog took me out of that period l had a hopelessness.There are meds to help ,go try see your doc and see if meds help if yes for a while ,and they do take a bit of time to work keep posting ,your not alone