missing old me

[CLB1125]

I’m sitting here listening to the guys baling straw. If you have ever heard a baler, it makes a distinctive sound. It takes me back to my youth. The endless summers in the blazing heat, piling bale after bale on the wagon. The wagon lurching with the sound of the baler. I was fit and strong. I could keep up with any man. Now I look at myself old and weak. Sick from everything under the sun. My body is broken, my mind scattered. I miss me. I can never be that person again. I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing to accomplish. I am nothing….

[Agora1]

CLB1125, you were fortunate to have an experience of a lifetime working on a farm.

After the years you put in, it's time to move on to a different venture in life. Life would

be pretty dull if all we did was one thing and then gave up because of age, sickness or

whatever.

I have Fibro so I know the feeling of pain but never do I give in to it. Fibro may change

our life but doesn't take away our choices to find other endeavors to try. This isn't the

end but just the beginning in starting something new that you can do. Something you

can look back on with pride and self esteem that you still have it.

Never give up, that's when we get old. Keep the hands and mind busy and you will

feel rejuvenated and alive. xx

[CLB1125 in reply to Agora1]

I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing

[Usernameunique]

I grew up in the countryside also. I miss those times. But as we get older we sometimes forget about how hot it was back then or how we wished we were out with our friends. Nothing is ever easy or perfect unless it’s a memory. I wish that I was younger too. I am trying to find ways to thank my body for what it still does. I wish I could help you do that for yourself. Finding little things to still like is hard sometimes but the key along with a good amount of humour.

[PeaceNeed]

I know how you feel. Ive become a throw away person by society. Im older and my body starting to break down.Anxiety eating me alive. I was strong when I was younger between my illness and mental health system I was ruined.

[MindfulMoment]

You have purpose in your life. You just don’t realize it. I don’t even know you but yesterday, because of you my kids got to have a mommy with them all day. Your words got me up,out of bed, dressed and I shook through the entire day with them. I had anxiety all day, but your words “sounds like your kids need their mommy however they can have you” stuck with me all day. And it ended up being a day I’m so glad I didn’t miss. Don’t sell yourself short.

[CLB1125]

thank you, you humble me. I’m glad you had a good day with your kids. Don’t waste a minute before you know it they are grown and gone. Or like my 6’4 son who pats me on the head and says sure you will when I say I’m going to kick his butt! 😂

[MindfulMoment]

you are so right. We have one son who is already grown, married and has moved 7 hours away with his wife. I’d give anything and everything to do it all over again. 2 teenagers and a little one in the home still. Sometimes I miss when life seemed more simple. I was a really good mom when the older ones were little. I have a lot of guilt that the younger one doesn’t get to know that mommy. Today we’re gonna breakdown and rebuild our chicken coop and get things ready for cold weather on the farm. I don’t feel like doing it. My body hurts, I’m tired, I’m overwhelmed… but I’m letting your words echo in my head. Broken me is better than no me at all. I think until you said that I thought I was protecting them by hiding away in my room. It never occurred to me they’d rather have me like that than not at all. I just feel so… guilty. I have been doing so well, I felt like I was past it. But the panic attacks reminded me just how fragile I am once again. But I’m gonna get out there and pull my boots up and put in some hard work, if nothing else I’ll be too tired by tonight to be anxious lol.

[CLB1125 in reply to MindfulMoment]

The young ones don’t know any other mom so don’t feel guilty. They don’t miss what they never had. I know guilt, I feel guilty every time my husband comes in from his chores and empties the dishwasher for me. I know all about chicken coops and hard work. If my husband didn’t keep pushing me I wouldn’t get my chickens ready for winter either. Today they’re calling for high 80s and next week 50s. So today they get cool water to play in. How cold does it get in winter there? We can see -30F, -40F windchills in January .

[Trainchaser]

I miss the old younger version of me. I think that is normal. Going forward I have to become better at setting goals to be happy with the current version of myself . Do you have any type of goals you could set for yourself so that you are positive looking forward instead of negative?

[CLB1125 in reply to Trainchaser]

I can’t find anything to build a new goal. I don’t have any living grandchildren to spoil, no useful hobbies. I have chickens but that’s just a chore. I have nothing.

[Summer95 in reply to CLB1125]

Can you get involved with your community some how? Food banks? Church? I’m sure that would help to get out and feel like you have a purpose. ❤️

[CLB1125 in reply to Summer95]

I don’t like being around people. I have a serious problem with loss of words so when I do talk to people I stutter. It’s embarrassing. But thanks for the ideas.

[Summer95 in reply to CLB1125]

I have the same problem and have social anxiety so I understand. A dog might help you ❤️

[CLB1125 in reply to Summer95]

I have a big ole dog. He’s been a good friend.