I hate myself. The only thing I don't hate are my eyes. I hate everything else about my self.
I never do anything and I never have the motivation/desire to do anything.
I'm overweight. I'm physically weak. I have lots of stretchmarks. In the fatty spots with stretchmarks, when I kinda like massage (I don't know how else to describe it) it feels like there's small pellets. It's slightly concerning.
I hate how I look. I hate how I dress (but I like it at the same time). I usually think I'm kinda ugly. My nose is large and I have a cleft chin (aka a butt chin). I have almost no make-up skills, and don't want to waste time and money on something that unimportant.
Part of me wants to dress better. Part of me wants to wear skirts or dresses almost everyday, but my thighs are so large that they chafe so I have to wear leggings, tights, or pantyhose. Part of me wants to wear dark gothic clothes and look like a hot emo. Cool black dresses and skirts.
I go back and forth and I'll have my mom buy things for me and in the moment I absolutely love it and want to wear it all the time. But I get it then I don't wear it. I wear almost the same 5 shirts under the same sweatshirt everyday to school. I always go back and forth on what kind of style I want and I just end up regretting any purchase I make (with my mom's money).
When someone describes my looks they only ever say cute. I don't wanna be cute. I want to be drop dead gorgeous and hot or atleast pretty and attractive. Or even just being so cute that I'm pretty and it makes people want to do dramatic, cliché movie/book things.
I have a boyfriend and he says I'm Cute ad attractive, but (and this may sound bad, but it doesn't help you only get my bias perspective) he doesn't think I'm hot, gorgeous, or the basic type of beautiful. He thinks I'm mentally beautiful, but I want him to lool at me and think "Damn!" But I'll only ever get "awwww she's so adorable".
I feel mentally weak. I shouldn't be upset. Technically my life is pretty great, but there are days when I don't even want to live. I currently think I'm a waste of oxygen.
I just feel lonely. I'm not though. I have some good friends. But I'm angry at one of them and don't know how to fix it (something like this has kinda happened before but the circumstances were completely different and I came to loath that person's presence and was glad when they moved). I still feel alone. Especially while sitting on my couch at 11:15pm complaining about my problems on the internet because I have no human being to comfortably talk to.
I don't know what to do anymore. I hate. I hate me.
Why am I like this?
I just want it to stop. But I don't know how.