Why do I feel like I'm the only one in my family to confront our issues?

[optimismrus]

Today I have to confront my 42 yr old daughter because she is not responsible. She leans on all of us to clean up the messes she and her husband make. She has four young sons and I love them all dearly. But I'm getting too old to deal with the drama. I hate having to harden my heart, but I have to be the adult. It's like I'm raising a teenager again. This latest goof is that she bought a car without asking for anyone's help or advice. It broke down at our house (she lives 1-1/2 hr. away in the mountains). My husband gave her his car to get home with the kids and we had the work done to fix the car at our expense of course. She hasn't registered the car and there's no insurance. I try to let her make her own choices but now I'm being pulled in more and more and I have to back off. I feel like a fool because the reciprocity is not there. Thanks for listening to my vent.

[Hidden]

I understand your vent.

[optimismrus in reply to Hidden]

Thanks

[ziggypiggy]

Only so much we can do. It's hard. At age 42 no more can be said that will change any behavior. Just love on your grandchildren and your own kids as much as you can.

[optimismrus in reply to ziggypiggy]

Your right of course. Thanks

[Hidden]

You have to let her make the mistakes, but you also have to make her clean up her own messes. Tough love is hard especially when there are innocent children involved. But her and her husband will never learn responsibility if they are not made accountable for their own selves. you are not helping, you are making it worse. My parents did that with my brother and now they're gone and he doesn't know how to take care. At 52 he is a mess because of their "help"

[optimismrus in reply to Hidden]

Your right. Thanks

[Midori]

Personally, I would write her a letter telling her she needs to act like an adult as you are too old to hold her hand and clean up her messes.

She and her hubby are taking advantage of your good nature an using their children as leverage. Nip it in the bud.

Also tell her that car getting fixed is the last thing you will do for her until she shapes up.

Cheers, Midori

[optimismrus in reply to Midori]

You're right. Thanks Midori

[Midori in reply to optimismrus]

Give your hubby a sharp nudge too if he is still enabling her!

Cheers. Midori

[Xene in reply to Midori]

I totally agree with you but and there’s always a but in life. Some grandparents have to tread a very fine line for fear of being cut off from their grandchildren if their advice is not well received, sad but true.

[Midori in reply to Xene]

True, but calling a bluff doesn't hurt, and if they are bringing their children up in chaos, it is also giving them a bad example.

Depends where you are of course, but it might be worth talking to Social Services (in Britain), or CPS in America.

[bethelbee]

I agree that they need to take accountability for their own actions and need to learn from their mistakes. My suggestion is to take a step back and not always be their lifeline. There won't always be someone there to bail them out.

[optimismrus in reply to bethelbee]

You're right. Thanks

[bethelbee in reply to optimismrus]

You're welcome

[012703060610]

Interestingly I am the baby of the family and I am the one that has to confront others. My parents enabled my addict sister by raising her kids. My other sister only visits if and when convenient....she is married with no kids and lives pretty well. I had to be the one to commit my niece to a psych ward after she tried to end all visiting us. This was in front of my little kids and it was super difficult. I have come to accept that this is my role in the family, to call out the crap. I've left my addict sister in the dust. I tried to maintain my relationship with my niece (her daughter) but she too went off the rails a soon as she finished college. She is still quite unwell but has said that I ruined her life when I committed her.....except she had just been in a psych unit after an actual attempt that was very close. I don't deal well with folks in my family being hypocrites. You are doing all you can to try to help, but being a similar age, I can't imagine asking my parents for anything. As others have said, do the best you can without enabling. I liked the idea of a letter as well. It is tough to be THAT person in the family, but there is usually always one. Hang in there. I totally relate to your issues!

[optimismrus in reply to 012703060610]

Thank you!