I feel broken & don't know what to do.

Hello,

I am a female turning 58 on 01/22/19.

I have had anxiety & depression since childhood [alcoholic father, mentally ill mother, bullied in school K - 12 grades, shy & introverted, nightmares, bedwetter until age 12 when my dad quit drinking, parents fought every single day up until my dad died in 1997 at the age of 79.

That is just some background information on me. I'm new here.

I wasn't diagnosed with depression & put on antidepressants until 1992.

Anxiety & social anxiety diagnosis came later, around 2004 (when my sister-in-law, whom I was close to, was murdered by her ex-fiancee) & my mother developed dementia & had to move into assisted living.

Anyways, these days I am barely hanging on. Our family is going through a very difficult time right now. It is so bad, that my medications are not controlling my depression & anxiety.

I don't want to go to bed at night, or get up during the day.

I am a couch potato. I move from my bed to the couch.

I color in Adult Coloring books (mainly Mandalas) to get me through each day.

I see a therapist every week and a psychiatrist every month. I take my medications religiously.

I feel broken, and like I cannot summon the energy or motivation to help myself.

I literally don't know what to do!

I will not go into the hospital, because we had to admit our daughter & they misdiagnosed her & gave her Abilify (pills & injection) and now she has Tardive Dyskinesia & Tardive Akasthsia!!! And, her daughter (our granddaughter) was taken away. Her father has full custody of her & he will not let us see her.

Our daughter & granddaughter had been living with us for 2 1/2 years. We went 7 1/2 months without seeing her or talking to her. She is our sunshine! She is 4 years old. We are living in a nightmare!

I am sorry for the long post.

[Rockmeamadeus]

That is so terrible about your granddaughter. I can’t believe how selfish some people can be! You have suffered a lot. Do you feel like your therapist is helpful, or like you need a change? Just asking because I liked mine but wasn’t really tackling everything and changed therapists and focus on PTSD and grief, which impacts the anxiety and depression. The Grief Recovery process is something that has helped me with childhood trauma, bullying, and some of those twisted events that come from living in a house of addiction. I know it’s not easy at all, and wow, you are going through/have gone through so much. So sorry about everything. You don’t deserve all of this.

[Hidden in reply to Rockmeamadeus]

Thank you.

A big part of me feels like I am grieving.

There is a huge void in my life where my granddaughter used to be, and nothing else can fill that void.

If my daughter can't get some custody, then we won't see our 4 year old granddaughter until she is 18 years old because of her vindictive father!!!!

And, in the eyes of the court,our daughter now has the stigma of mental illness. I wish that the judge could hear my granddaughter tell her Momma & her supervisor how she feels anxious and picks her gums until they bleed and bites her nails and how she doesn't like her dad and wants to be back with her Momma & us! Hopefully, it will all be recorded by my daughters supervisor & given to the judge!

Her dad makes her use mouthwash on her sore bleeding gums and puts that bad tasting "No Bite" nail solution on her nails!

It is literally driving me insane because there is nothing I can do!

[fauxartist]

there is a group called ACOA.....there are meetings everywhere and you can look them up online. There is also an adult workbook that is a coloring book too dealing with issues of emotional abandonment and growing up with an alcoholic parent or family member and it's effects on childeren and others in the home. It helped me a lot in the beginning of trying to get in touch with my stuff.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Faux, thank you for this info, I’ve just looked up the group, that’s, could be real helpful to me..thanks x

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

It helped me a lot....don't get freaked out by the 12 step thing....it's only a structure not a mandate..... and it's more of working on the damaged inner child. And learning to cope and live with what was or was not done to us as kids......and young adults. I like it because it addresses the problems and then learning how to live in the solutions.

Best wishes to you....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I’ve sent them an email to find out a bit more

And make contact..thank you, appreciate it ! 🌺🌺

[Euterpe68]

Hello,

I was in the same place and slowly getting back to me. I ‘hit the wall’ in November. I was getting ready to go to work (which was like drudgery and have had a hard time holding a job for past 5 years) and I just broke down. I thought to myself, “ I cannot fake my way through one more day”. I live with a person who I believe to be a narcissist. I have been in a relationship with him for going on 8 years. I went from a vibrant, healthy, happy person, to someone I didn’t recognize anymore. I had tried meds, but side effects not great and didn’t help much. I had been researching alternative therapies, because I was so desperate. I stumbled upon ketamine and had been researching it for a while, along with other psychotropics. I found a clinic in Charlotte, NC that does the therapy. I have to tell you, these people CARE! My doctors were so empathetic along with the staff. I was terrified of the treatment because of some of the experiences I’d read, but I was desperate and thought, “ It will kill me or heal me “. At that stage I thought it was a win-win, either way, because I felt I just could not go on living a joyless life. I had my first 6 treatments and 4 more weekly treatments and I am actually feeling like ‘me’ again! I am not back 100% to my former self, but I am bathing more ( I know gross, but I didn’t care about that which is not me), I have more interest in doing things, I have begun to work out a little, and don’t have those intrusive thoughts that we’re not healthy. I do need to change my environment, as I live in a toxic environment related to the narcissist. I feel like I am getting my ‘fight’ back. Not in a mean way, but a self-protection way. Before, I could see no way out of the pain. I had no hope. I now have hope and I am blessed to have found COPE of Charlotte, NC and all the wonderful staff there. They are very thorough. It’s not an in/out, here’s a pill, and good luck thing. My psychiatrist dug deep. I don’t know that I have ever had a psychiatrist dig so deep into my psyche. Some treatments were tougher than others, but the staff there are compassionate, empathetic, and knowledgeable. I have not had a doctor, any doctor, take so much time and be so caring. That’s the whole team’s approach. I know about not wanting to get out of bed, face the world, and feel that life is drudgery. I hope that you will check out/research this therapy as it has help me come out of ‘the dark place’. I am a work in progress, but I SEE progress. The treatments I have received through COPE of Charlotte, NC have been a ‘lifeboat’, for a person drowning in depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I hope this helps and I think doing some research about ketamine therapy is worth a try. I WOULD be careful about where you go. I know COPE is not just another ketamine clinic. They are at the top of the list in psychiatry and are, IMO, revolutionizing the way depression, PTSD,anxiety and other mental illness will be treated and hopefully it will be the first line of treatment, rather than a last resort. God bless you and there really is hope!🙏❤️

[Hidden in reply to Euterpe68]

My daughter had me read up on ketamine. It sounds scary to me.

I have thought about TMS, but there are a lot of differing opinions on that.

There is also ECT, but that scares me, too. My increased depression & anxiety is due to our current situation, so depending on the outcome of that, my depression & anxiety will either lift, or get really, really bad.

All that my husband and I can do is be supportive of our daughter & find her a good lawyer. But, with the metal illness stigma, it will be difficult. I pray a lot!

[Euterpe68]

I was scared too. I have severe anxiety/panic attacks ( MUCH better since ketamine treatments) so it was VERY hard for me to go through with it. I am so happy I did. I prayed and pray a lot myself. I would even pray before every treatment. Yes, there has been the stigma with mental health, but I think we are breaking that down. As my psychiatrist said, “ It’s no different than a diabetic who needs insulin or a cancer patient who needs chemo”. It really is the same. A part of your body is diseased or broken. Just because it’s from the neck up, should not make a difference, but to some unfortunately, it does. To those who cannot see depression/anxiety from that perspective and judge in some way, I would encourage you to stay away from them as they will only rob you of hope. We all need hope, compassion, and empathy. Certainly lacking in our society today. I don’t know when ‘Love thy neighbor’ got lost, but it has for some, but not all. Don’t be hard on yourself. Do what you can and find any shred of joy you can. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. For example, I watch Andy Griffith to get some laughter and joy. It may sound simple or boring to some, but when you can’t get out of bed, leave your house, or take a shower, finding something to bring you joy will help alleviate depression. I understand your fears about ketamine, but the doctors/staff where I was treated was a completely different approach to psychiatric treatment. Again, I went to COPE in Charlotte, NC. I don’t think they are like any other ketamine clinics. They are very thorough, knowledgeable, and VERY picky about each and every detail, from evaluation to dosing, along with support and kindness. I pray you find your way through this. I pray all who are suffering like this will find hope. 🙏❤️

[froggymom88]

I wish I could come over to you right now and give you a great big hug. I don't know how you have endured all this pain. Maybe add listening to calming music, looking at peaceful pictures and watching encouraging movies to your coloring therapy. I don't have any great advice for you, but I know when I was at the lowest point in my life, I turned to prayer, and lots of it. I helped me to a better place. I promise you that I will be praying for you and your family each morning along with my own. If you can check out some of these beautiful stories of inspiration( bit.ly/2yx0uqe ), it might give you some comfort. God bless you and keep you in the palm of his hand.

[art62grammie]

I am an artist. I couldn't even draw a stick person until I was older. I always wanted to draw. At 47 I taught myself. It is very therapeutic. I am 56 and have suffered 40 years of Anorexia because of my childhood. I don't know if you have read any of my posts. I have a loving mother. She is 82 and alive. My dad died at 66. It has been almost 14 years now that he has been gone. I watched my whole family be abused by that monster. That monster was my dad. He was not on drugs or alcohol. He came from a violent family. That is no excuse. My repressed memories of 50 years just came forward 2 years ago. I know them all since my recovery. I was once broken. Like a glass. I had pieced the glass back together piece by piece. I am solid and unbreakable now. I stand tall and strong. I have defeated my Anorexia and my past. I will recover every day to stay that way. My memories were the cause of my illness at 14. I had a loving mother and 3 siblings. We all suffered at the hands of dad. We all were raped by him. I have seen the loaded gun to my mother head for forty years. I have seen butcher knives to her throat. I will not let dad destroy me anymore. I recovered and no one can take that from me ever. I know there is the pain. I know there is healing. I lived in a depression state for all those years. I am free at 56. Once I recovered from Anorexia I was free. I lived in a prison within for so many years. I walked through that gate just recently. The feel of freedom for the first time in my life. I will never return to the prison again. You can win. Depression is horrible. I know too well. Freedom is great.

[Suneday_46]

I am sorry you feel so unmotivated. Try to get up and take a walk outside. LI would suggest googling encouraging and helpful poems online. Have you ever tried journaling daily? This may even help you release some deep feelings that you otherwise may be holding in. I will pray you feel better and know that Jesus loves you!

[Tara52]

I am so sorry to hear how much pain you are in. Your life sounds so similar to how mine was growing up. Although I suffered from depression /anxiety since I was 19. Antidepressants never helped me.I was in and out of hospitals lost of my life. My existence from 2010-2018 was pretty much from existing from on the couch to the bed also.☹So miserable! After my boyfriend commited suicide in 2017 it was the catalyst for me to seek out God for my only help in a very serious way!(meds and various therapies never helped me personally. I even had electric shock treatments in 2010).😳So now I have been studying,meditating, praying and cultivating my relationship with our Creator/ /Allah/Jehovah/ Source/Chi/Higher Power/Divine Mimd/Heavenly Father or whatever you feel comfortable calling God. I have been leaning on Him alone had have been gaining strength, comfort, healing and peace more each day. 🙏💗🤗