Struggling to Cope

[Cloverrr]

trigger warning for sexual abuse and childhood abuse

This weekend I came to the revelation that my mother potentially sexually abused me when I was young. I was talking with some friends who deal with trauma in children so had to learn about signs and symptoms and whatnot and they were alarmed with the things I was saying. I know she was emotionally and verbally abusive and very neglectful as I got older but I’m just now at thirty years old realizing she potentially sexually abused me too.

I talked with my sisters because one (I’ll call her J) has young children and my mom is… obsessed with one of J’s kids and is completely disinterested in the other kid in a way that weirds me and my sisters out but we aren’t sure why. When talking with my other sister (I’ll call her B) she said that my parents sat her down for a conversation a few years ago about something that happened when she was six. When B was six, she would be alone with our grandma for long periods of time and she started becoming aggressive. My parents took B to the doctor and they found evidence of poisoning and abuse. And my parents didn’t do anything about it except have me, an eight year old, be responsible for a six and four year old instead of our grandma watching us anymore. Which lead to the neglect where I was taking care of my sisters because my parents were never home.

This was also around the time when I remember the sexual abuse happening, too.

The thing is, I feel like I shouldn’t be terrified to talk to my mother now. I’ve been working with my therapist about my mom and trying to go low contact for my mental health but it’s been hard. Except I planned a trip to visit J and my mom that my mom is paying for next month before I found all this out. And now I’m terrified of talking or being around my mom anymore. I’m thirty years old. I feel a little silly about being so terrified of her.

I’m definitely going to talk to my therapist but my next appointment is next week and because of things with work I can’t go this week unless I can see if I can get in Friday. But I’m really, really struggling to use my coping skills I’ve been learning. I’m not in any danger to myself but my anxiety is through the roof and it’s hard to concentrate. If anyone has any suggestions, that would be great. I have to drive for 16 hours for work over two days and I don’t want to be a mess for that. The best way to distract my anxious thoughts is to deal with written words and numbers so I can’t think of what’s making me anxious. But I can’t do that while driving.

Thanks.

[Artistfriend]

Its totally normal to be feeling what youre feeling, it sounds like alot to process. It dosent matter how old you are all this takes time to sort out, i would consider postponing the visit with your mom. You have to take care of yourself first

[Cloverrr in reply to Artistfriend]

With how anxious I am just at the thought of having to talk to my mom about needing to change a flight anyway I’m considering canceling the trip. I mostly am going to see my sister and nephews but after I told J my concerns she said she understood if I canceled and didn’t come. It’s just the only time I’ll have to visit my sister because of work. I’d stay with my sister but like. My mom is manipulative and will try to make me feel bad for not staying with her, and me and J both know that.

[Artistfriend in reply to Cloverrr]

Its sounds like youre tending to your feelings and seeing what feels right for you

[012703060610]

Trauma has a very sneaky way of creeping in. It was a few years ago that I had a dream that seemed so real, turns out it was. I was abused by a neighbor boy a few years older. I was locked in a closet and then sexually abused. I had completely repressed this memory. I knew it was all wrong but at that age I felt to blame so I never said a word. A few years later I had a bus driver that was stalking me. He drew naked pictures of me. I don't even know how he was getting pictures of me, I think it was local paper clipping of me playing sports. On a weekend rafting trip, his book of these drawings was on the driver's seat. Some kids stole it and it created a crazy scene. People were wanting to fight him. I felt shame again like I did something wrong. I have had too many run ins with abuse that I honestly I repress as much as possible. I do EMDR and we had to stop as I am currently living in a trauma. I can't handle dealing with the past while living in the present. I do see a PTSD counselor which has worked wonders from traditional CBT. My therapist is really the only person that seems to be able to get me to snap out of it.

As for you, I can completely relate to the anxiety. I honestly don't know if going is the right thing for you. I am glad you will run it past your therapist. To me, feeling safe is key. When you leave your safe places and go on the road, things can get hard. If you make the trip, do you have anywhere else you can go other than your Mom's house? I like to have a "safety" plan when I know I am headed into a rough patch or to a tough situation. I am so sorry for all you have been through. Thank you for sharing, it is brave. We are all here for you.

[Cloverrr in reply to 012703060610]

I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s awful. And thank you for sharing too.

My sister said I could stay with her for part of the time but with how my mom is we both agreed that if I do come I would need to stay with my mom for part of the trip which I’m also anxious about. I was able to get an appointment with my therapist for Friday so I can talk to her then at least.

[silentdreamer20]

Wow! I'm deeply sorry for everything you've gone through, and the revelation you have come to. That is heartbreaking. Going low contact with a loved one is difficult, but sometimes it is honestly for the best. Sometimes, no matter what others think or feel about it, we have to put our mental health above others. And in this situation, that is what you have to do. What happened with your mother is something you have to deal with in your own time. You can't rush it or push it. Healing takes time, and it goes by your time. If you want to visit your sister and not see your mother, maybe now is not the time to visit if your mom will be there. And you shouldn't feel bad about that. Seeing as your sisters know that your mother isn't exactly a saint, you sister should understand. And your sister should put some distance between her children and your mother. This is a really sad situation, but it is reality. And for the safety of those children, it's a reality you all have to face. Sooner, rather than later. As for your anxiety. You can listen to soothing music on your drive, or podcasts. One thing I have learned in my experience with toxic family members in my life, as well as sexual trauma is that I can't continue to let them control me. The people, and the experiences were literally controlling and destroying my life, and who I was. I had completely lost myself in all of it. Don't miss your therapy appointments if you can help it. They are 100% priority. You wouldn't miss a Dr. appointment, right? Therapy is the same thing, it's an important Dr's appointment. I know this is consuming you right now, but try to remember, you are not that experience. You are important. You worth a life of your own. You are more than what you went through. And your mother does not control you. Your mother does not have control over you in any way. Not your mind. Not your body. Not your emotions. Not your actions. You are worthy. You are so much more than this anxiety and hate and confusion and fear. I know it's all confusing and you're mixed with so many emotions. I'm so sorry. I really hope that you can work through and that you don't give up on working through them. I am probably no help at all. But I mean every word I say. You are worth the fight to overcome this... To find yourself again. ❤️