What parents do to their children?

[Kaashi_Reads]

1. Reduced self esteem- Parents can get so frustrated with their own work that they tend to vent it out on people who are powerless and unable to hit back. And parents know exactly the things that may hurt the child deeply. My mom used to say- if I don't help her with chores or anything that she wants me to do then I am useless and born without a purpose.

2. Generational trauma- Parents who are broken themselves tend to react to situations in such a way that it always becomes about them. My mother wasn't supported by her father in her education. During COVID , I went for online sociology class where my mom was to sit beside me to give me " insights" for group discussion and force me to talk about it with the class. I once refused to do so ,and she commented how I was unthankful for the opportunity I was given , that she was so deeply involved in my studies which she expected from her father but didn't recieve.

3. Forcing opinions- My mother has never liked my partner even though he is a great one, for the 4 years we have been together, my mother has always called my partner as childish and unreasonable. Just because he cries when he gets emotional. He doesn't fit into my mom's view of a man. Even though I have never asked for her view.

4. Blaming- Apparently I was the cause of constraints between my parents marriage , for delay in diagnosis of my brother's cancer, for the bad life of my mom as per my mother.

5. Children ❌ trophy✅- After my mom's failed career , I was the only thing she could consider accomplishment for a long time. Because I was better at certain things in comparison to my cousins and that made my mom feel proud. But she wanted me to be best and in school she forced me to join music band which is one of the worst things I could do at school since the teacher was superstrict and I already lived like military at home.

6. Emotionally Unavailable - If I cry , I am weak and take things literally to heart, if my mom cries then someone has either hurt her or she is not feeling well and is in pain. I stopped talking to her about my feelings. And later after years , I finally opened up to my partner.

7. Illogical argument - I once told her that she expects too much from me and that she should focus on her own life. She argued that she should have thrown me away when I was born so that she could focus on herself and not waste 18 years of her youth on me.

Last year I was so near to breaking all bonds with that one person who had broken me but since my brother was diagnosed with cancer , I couldn't do that and had to shift with them for my brother's care.

I already lost one sister to another disease.And history shouldn't repeat. So my anger and frustration against my mom took backside. But I continue to harbour rough feelings for her.

[Dolphin14]

Hi

Your list is long and I can relate to a lot of it.

My best piece of advice is now that you are an adult it's your choice to make some changes.

You don't have to sit back and accept all this. You can take some control and start to set boundaries.

Is some of this cultural? I'm not familial at all with where you live.

With your brother being sick I wouldn't push to hard right now. Your family is in such a highly emotional state. There are some things you could tackle now.

Remind me, are you in therapy?

🐬

[Kaashi_Reads in reply to Dolphin14]

I did see a psychologist, it didn't help . She wanted me to speak clearly to my family. I did but it didn't work they branded me as selfish and weak. That was the reason I reduced contact but then with my brother, I had to talk to them again. They actually tried to manipulate my brother into thinking I was "abandoning him". And with the chemo going on he is already distressed, he doesn't need more emotional drama.

That is why I can only respond after my brother's treatment is done which will stretch 3 more months.

And now I am going to be out of employment in a month. My work from home tenure is ending, so I am going jobless soon . But I am going to use this time on my brother and my parents are going to financially support me for that. That's the deal.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Kaashi_Reads]

It's all very difficult, isn't it?

I agree your brother comes first and if you have to bite your tongue you are doing it for him.

I'm sorry about your job ending. Are you going to be a care taker?

[fauxartist]

Not all people make good parents....my mother never should have had children....we were all supposed to be representative of making her look good...forget that we are born individuals with our own path in life. I hear ya....believe me I do.

[cashew78]

What you're describing is a type of abuse. When someone consistently tears down or belittles their child, there something wrong with the parent. Number 2 on your list is the painful truth I have to keep learning and relearning in order to understand my situation. A book that I found helpful (which illustrates well the points you make) is "Adult children of emotionally Immature parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Good luck.