My bf and I have dated for 3 months. We have had quite few disagreements/arguments but not really fights. I have relationship anxiety and it has been affecting my every relationship. But I’m also a type A and head strong person with high expectations. Just some background.
Yesterday he called me around 11 am and we talked as we do in the mornings. I told Him I wasn’t feeling well. I might leave work and go home but will see how it goes. Then I didn’t hear from him all day. Around 8 pm I texted him asking jokingly if he was alive. Then he called. And I said that was the longest I didn’t hear from him. He said he just got home and was busy at work. He has his own business. I said I expected him to text and at least ask if I needed soup or medicine or if he could bring anything. He lives 45 mins away but to me it shouldnt be an issue. He said here I was again finding negatives. He said If I was laid up at home he’d come over but I was at work. Well he didn’t know if I went home or not. Anyways he said this was too much arguing over a short period of time dating for him and he needs to think.
Was I wrong to be upset at him? I wanted him to show care. Yes I have abandonment anxiety and I told him about it but I don’t think he realizes how badly it affects me. He says I have very high expectations and I want him to be perfect and I always bring negatives even when things are good.
Made me think, am I not even meant to be in a normal healthy relationship with anyone. Is it me? But I also think he could have said sorry or turned it into a joke. He said I always want him to do everything and expect him to smooth Things all the time. Will I ever be happy in a relationship?
Do you ever feel like this? What’s your perspective as an outsider? I am curious if it looks one way or the other from outside.
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Stardust2022
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Thank you for your response. I Always appreciate honesty instead of somebody saying something nice to make that a person feel better. I still think it is not unreasonable to want your partner to show care at least once within eight hours. We go eat lunch we go to the bathroom it takes one second to ask how are you doing. But that’s just me.
As an outsider looking in, I think it was a mistake to 1) reach out to him 1st at 8:00pm and 2) joke or be sarcastic about his lack of in attentiveness. I think you should have waited to see when he would check in on you without prodding. Instead of molding the perfect guy, allow a guy space to show he cares. If he doesn’t naturally show he cares without prodding, he’s not right for you, especially when you have already communicated in the past that that is an important need that you have. As to the “joking” way you text him, it wasnt a joke to him. It was an irritant which happened because he felt pushed and no one really likes pushy sarcasm. Thats my 2¢. As to your question as to whether you will ever be happy in a relationship, I think its a definite yes, as long as you can let go of the firm grip you have and allow a man space.
Thank you for your candid feedback. I see your point. But if I waited longer and if he did not ask me how I was doing or ask if I needed anything, I would have been as upset as back at 8 PM. I know I need to learn how to control my reactions and respond versus react. I just want I guess maybe unreasonable amount of affection and care. But don’t you think maybe to another person I wouldn’t have come across as unreasonable? Or maybe he’d be less sensitive to my “complaints”? I was Married for 10 years and somehow I did have lots of happy years so I know I’m not just completely crazy with unreasonable expectations.
I understand if you waited longer (past 8:00) you would have been more upset. You have every right to be upset and there is nothing wrong with that, its normal, however I know it’s painful. If you give him enough space, you will know if this man is worth your time and heart. That is my point, its a matter of patience rather than trying to control him. If he can’t accommodate you and your needs then you get to decide if you want to keep him. If he doesn’t want to accommodate you as you need, he gets to decide if he wants to stay in the relationship. No one forces, controls or manipulates. You are in control Stardust. You really are.
And now he needs time to think. He said all these arguments are too much for him and he doesn’t want to be the peacemaker all the time. I get it. But why did this not happen with some of the people I dated? It happened in most relationships but not every one I was arguing. Maybe it is about compatibility. And maybe I AM too much for him and my anxiety is too much to deal with.
Maybe it depends on the person. I think I demanded a lot more attention from my husband early in our relationship and I would say it annoyed him a little. Now I get annoyed if he rings me too often! The tables have turned,
I think you may be very right. Maybe he and I are just not a good match. We have differing views on some things and that causes arguments. But he also doesn’t let go when we argue. I need to learn to let go to. But isn’t it a lot about chemistry too? It has to match. Of course everyone is different and It would be awful if we all were the same but Maybe it’s about finding a partner who’s a lot more aligned with you and/or who’s more easygoing when I’m more intense.
Thanks for sharing. Since you have been dating only 3 months those expectations seem to be overwhelming him. If you guys are meant to be together things will smooth out. For now try to enjoy the moments together and try not to be so high on your expectations. I know from experience expectations can ruin a relationship if they become too much. I am sorry you struggle with anxiety. Do go to counseling or have seen a doctor for your anxiety? A bf cannot fill the role of a therapist. Here is an article (bit.ly/34I99bu) you might find helpful with anxiety and relationships. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs and God Bless
Thank you for your response. I don’t know for sure but I think it’s both - my high expectations coupled with abandonment anxiety (plus uncertainty about this particular person - whether we are a good fit or not) and his personality. If he is hard headed like me who doesn’t smooth things, it won’t work. Because I’m like that and I told him that from the very beginning. I was very honest about who I am. I need to work on my reactions. I need to respond rather than react but I also know it’s very freaking hard to change. I’m self aware but it is challenging to change. But I guess none Can predict all that unless you really date and get to know someone…I always want to avoid heartache but I think is just inevitable.
You have received some great feedback. Three months is quite early in a relationship. Try not to jump too fast and seek out some support to help work through some of your feelings before committing to a long term relationship. The last thing you want to do is sabotage a relationship early on. Invest the time in yourself - keep dating, but avoid setting too many expectations. Enjoy getting to know him and sharing meaningful time together. We don't know what the future holds, so live for right now. Blessings!
I did. I appreciate everyone’s feedback. As an update, I haven’t heard back from him in 3 days now since he told me he had to think where he wanted to continue or not. To me it’s over. I don’t need Anyone to think that long whether they want to date me or not. He was the right person for that particular time I guess but it’s over and it’s ok.
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